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Need help with the script - advice welcomed

Started by PatiencePlease, October 23, 2012, 12:28:37 PM

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PatiencePlease

In a few days we're going to be seeing our (out of state) adult son whom we have not seen in 6 months.  We're traveling and plan to spend a day with him.  I've had serious issues with him over the last few months.   He laments about no money - we caved in and gave him some to help him through his rough patch - but he's not any more financially savvy than he was before.  Also during this period there were times when he was downright nasty to me - for the most part he would apologize afterward and we begin again...

Do I bring up any of this when we see him?  I feel like it needs to be addressed, yet I don't want the only day of seeing him all these months to be a rehash of the same old same old.  Maybe the day should just be light and airy. 

I'm not sure which road I should take.   Directions appreciated.  :)

pam1

Since he did apologize, I would not bring it up.  The past is the past to me.  However, if he asks for money again, that's the time I would have the talk with him.

Have a fun trip :)
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

jdtm

QuoteDo I bring up any of this when we see him?

No, and pretend "this" did not happen.  As for the "money" issue, if it surfaces, it might be better if your husband deals with this point.  I'm wondering - were you involved in the lending/giving of funds to your son?  There does come a time when being an adult means taking care of oneself financially as well as physically, emotionally and socially.  That being said, some people feel money is a foreign language (ask Suse Orman) and your son might be one of these people.  However, it is not your job to teach him how to manage money (unless he asks, of course).  Some only learn the hard way ....

DivaGirlDIL

I wouldn't bring it up at all.  If he asks for money tell him no.  I cannot at 32 years old remember the last time I asked my parents for money.(before I was married and I have been married 8years)  And if I did it was a loan that I paid back.

PatiencePlease

Thank you ladies!!  Yes, we have given him money this past year.  He had a car accident which set him back, but he's also been irresponsible with his money. 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  He's starting a new job in the next week (he has been working full time for over a year) which he's really excited about and claims this new job will have better hours and give him the time to start cooking more meals (instead of getting fast food) and better manage his time and money.  How I want to believe him....  lol

Your opinions are valued.  Thanks so much  :)

luise.volta

My experience with my son, the last time, (two and a half decades ago), we were dealing with an issue and I brought up some related, unresolved data from the past, was that he listened carefully and included that information in our interaction. He then set a boundary  I have honored to this day. He told me that he would never tolerate my doing that again. Our problem was in the present and if I had things in the past that I connected with it, tough, he simply wasn't going to address any laundry list I might be interested in presenting.

He told me I had done it before. That I sometimes evaded conflict and stored grievances, or withdrew and held on to whatever wasn't resolved to my satisfaction. I hated the stand he took with me, mostly because he was right.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

PatiencePlease

Wow!  Luise, you raised a very wise son.  No surprise.

Thank you for your honest response.

As parents, we recognize vulnerability.  Sometimes it is our own.

WWUs' rock.   Seriously.

Doe

At a certain point, my dad didn't remember my old beefs with him so it was futile to bring them up. It was like pushing a rope - no resistance, no fight.  He was just glad to see me when I was around. That's making more and more sense to me the older I get.

Scoop

PP - part of the problem I have with my IL's is that they're always harping on something, they don't see us enough, DH doesn't call them enough, we're leaving too soon, we don't spend enough time with them.

My Mom is just happy to see us and spends any time we have together ENJOYING being with us.

I think this combines well with what Luise says.  Leave the past in the past (especially because he apologized) and enjoy your time with him.

As for your script, I believe you should also be ready for anything, practice it if you have to!

- I'm sorry, we don't have any money to give you, times are tough all the way around, we have to consider our retirement, or else we'll end up living with you!  Ha-ha.

- Please change your tone.  Or, I won't believe you when you eventually apologize, because part of an apology is the intention to NOT make the same mistakes again.

- I will NOT be spoken to in that way, we're leaving.  (But you have to follow through!)

+ We're so glad to see you!  We've missed you so much!
+ You're looking good.
+ Tell us about this new job, it sounds interesting.

Pooh

PP, I'm with the others.  Leave the past in the past and try to begin anew.  I'm also pessimistic enough to also add what the others have said, have a few choice lines ready if he starts back up with his past behavior to let him know your boundaries.

I have a curiosity question.  Did he invite you to visit or did you make the plans?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

PatiencePlease

We made the plans to visit. We have other family in the area we are seeing too.

We saw him tonight and plan to see him tomorrow too.  He's better than I've seen in a long time.  He was extremely nice and pleasant - he told us he hasn't been drinking and he stopped smoking two and a half weeks ago.

He's very excited about his new job - I can't remember the last time I've seen him this excited.  It's been a very long time.....

He told us how good it is to see us.   He did say he's been eating ramen noodles a lot. And he doesn't have cable in this (cheaper) apt he just moved into.  He says he doesn't miss TV much and he's picking up someone else's wifi in the building...  (Don't know if that's okay to do that.....)

And he has not asked for any money.  Nor have we offered any.

It has been good for me to physically see him face to face.  It does this mothers heart good.

I can't thank all of you enough for your opinions and advice.  Thanks!! It means more than you can know :)

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Begonia

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell