Glad I Found You All

[Begonia]

JMM: I can sure feel your pain and I wish I had some magic wand to make this all easier for all of us, but life is not like that.  I sense this great pride in how you brought her up (BRAVO BRAVO APPLAUSE) and gave her the gift of a wonderful education. I think it's difficult for young people (never excusing bad behavior, mind you) but on one hand she is "barely making it," and an adult and on the other hand she is still tethered to mom and dad by the health insurance.  If it were me, I would start by stating a date when she has to be totally independent. No blame or shame, just "It's time now for you to be independent of us financially."  In the back of her mind might be this power over her that she is still being "taken care of" and she compensates for it by being independent in other ways (not calling, etc.). I hope you can stop being embarrassed, as this is just how independent AC sometimes are, and even the best parents in the world will have these stories, as you will read in all our posts.  Just my thoughts, always take what you want and disregard the rest like Luise tells us.  Sending hugs to you, keep posting.  We support you. 

BTW, my nieces are in similar situations and one niece behaves just like your DD, while the other is very attentive.  And the parents pay for this and that and always pick up the tab for all meals, take them shopping for new clothes, buy the airline tickets, car insurance, etc. My sis is embarrassed to say that she never gets cards, etc, but I know she doesn't.  I never say anything to my sis, but one of these days these lovely young women (26 and 30) will have to live on their own incomes.  period. That will be very difficult for them, sad to say.     

[luise.volta]

JMM - None of us would suggest that it was "unreasonable" to "expect" common courtesy. We all expected varying degrees of the same thing. We had no place to put being discarded. Most of our adult lives were focused on our progeny. "We've gotten though everything else, surely we can get through this," was our motto. Our dependent children were equally focused on us, we were the center of their world. When our job was completed and they headed out into the world, we naturally thought they would take us with them in their hearts. Some do. Others grow and expand in their own way, deliberately without us as part of the picture. It is often, to them, a necessary part of maturation, whether conscious or not. It doesn't matter, when that happens if the AC was an only child or not, or whether higher education was freely given or withheld. Our standards and benchmarks are not theirs and what wasn't necessarily easy to provide was more often than not taken for granted. There are those AC who want us out of their lives. When we resist that, and who among us welcomed it, we are the authors of the conflict, they aren't. We want respect but at the same time we don't respect the path they choose.

Usually, there is no place to be heard in our immediate environment and we do our best to pretend all is well. This is the place to safely bring heartbreak, rage, disillusion, hopelessness and an unbearable sense of injustice. After a while of being surrounded by the love of those who get it...have lived it...and survived it, it can be a place to let go of being right and heal. It is always a choice. It isn't a place where any of us have been able to change others. We are the ones who adapt. We find that we were whole before we became parents and we can be whole again. Simple but not easy.

I wrote you about my son's untimely death because my perspective has shifted. I wanted to share that. I wouldn't ask a thing of him or judge his behavior as unacceptable or chafe under the difficulties I had to face without him in my life, if only he could still be here, alive, enjoying his wonderful family and productive career. It would be fine with me if it was all about him and absolutely nothing in it was about me. Exclusion would such a blessing as opposed to extinction. It's just another way to look at it. Sending love...

[luise.volta]

P.S.: I just posted this elsewhere: It is today's TUT, Totally Unique Thought.

You can only be your best self, not someone else's. And however to the contrary it may seem, therein lies your happiness, being your best self while letting others find theirs.

[JustMeMother]

Thanks to everyone for their responses.  Pooh, I have thought that very same thing about what I would do if someone else treated me like my daughter does.  I would definitely not want to have anything to do with them.  I guess more than anything else after reading your responses and others on this site, realized I am not alone.  Before I had only focused on my friends and family who all seem to have loving, caring children who share their lives.  I won't give up hoping about my daughter that she will change.  However, I am determined to think more of myself and focus on the people who I know care about me.  Again, thanks to all who have offered their wisdom to me.   

[Didi.lost]

Hi JMM and welcome

Now you have it.  What you just said is when I realized all this was true.
I will never give up hope either for some kind of contact from my DD that I haven't seen for almost a year now.  All communication with her stopped 4 months ago.  I still weep and feel sad some days but have come a long way from the beginning of this estrangement.
I try to just stay around people who care about me and I enjoy not being verbal abused anymore.  The quiet is both relaxing and strange but I am getting used to it and am fine.  You will be too.  Stay strong and take care of yourself.  Cause the rest is out of our control anyway.

[pam1]

Welcome JustMeMother

[JustMeMother]

Again, thanks to everyone for your kindness to me.  I know I am going to have sad times still, but since reading WWU I can tell you I am determined to not let the hurt and worry concerning my daugher consume me like it has in the past.  You all are my heros, and I will be back often hopefully to share if I need to and to maybe help others if I can.  Hope everyone is enjoying a wonderful Fall. 

[luise.volta]

Wonderful! Are you ready to close your thread? It sounds like you feel complete for now. And please remember we are always here for you, as we know you are for us.

[JustMeMother]

Yes, you can close this thread, and thanks again everyone.