My daughter complains about her husband . Hates me if I say anything

[AnnaB]

My daughter cannot stand her controlling husband but if I stick up for her, only to her, then she turns him further against me.

[PatiencePlease]

Step away from the dance.  If he's controlling, you're giving him a reason to pull her away from her. 

It sounds like your daughter just needs to vent.  Listen to her and don't criticize her husband.  If it becomes too frustrating to listen to her complain about him again and again, simply say to her "What are you going to do about it?"  If she says she's not going to do anything about it, then shrug your shoulders and change the subject.

As a parent it's hard not to get sucked into their drama.   Good luck!

[NewMama]

Don't get involved at all, no matter how hard it is. If she starts talking about it, you can acknowledge that she said something and change the subject. If she persists, there's nothing wrong with telling her that her marital issues are between her and her husband and that you'd like to be left out of it.

You're getting thrown under the bus for doing what comes naturally - defending your daughter. Don't let the two of them make them you a scapegoat for their problems. She's probably running to him saying that you agreed with her, which causes more issues between you and him.

Best of luck.

[Doe]

Yep, I agree.  Mama told me when I was young never to take sides in a relationship because they usually get back together then blame you.  It's just 'listen and nod' if you're doing to listen at all.

[elsieshaye]

Getting involved the way you have been allows her (and him) to focus on you as the scapegoat, instead of putting their focus on their own relationship where it belongs.  So, really, not getting involved is a more loving act sometimes than actively taking her side.  It gently forces her to switch her focus, and deprives her of an actively participating scapegoat for her own problems.

[AnnaB]

Thanks everyone, when I do not listen to her, she complains she does not have a loving mother. She complains that she only came to me for motherly advice...and berates me for that too. She is suicidaly, will not return my invitations for dinner, shopping, lunches. Says the only reason she is alive is because of the dogs, and her husband leaned on me to help him too, yet he does really awful mind games with her and she is financially dependent on him. They turn on me on a dime.You k now the expression, D----d if you do, D----D if you don't. All they do is fight. Now I am in the crosshairs and out of their lives for one reason or another. At this point, I am out of her life and if she wants me back she will have to reach out to me, instead of me grovelling to go back to her. I have decided if she wants me in her life and she DOES come back, It will be on my terms. She will no longer yell at me, talk to me about her marital problems ( I am not a counsellor) and I will refuse to see her husband. I can handle that.But those will be my terms. I do not care if she does not like it.

[Doe]

I don't know if I'm proud of this but I had a coworker that talked about killing herself for months. Very upsetting to everyone.  One day, I suggested that she do it and get it over with since she talked about it and was just upsetting everyone.  That really shut her up and she actually got more cheerful.  Not recommending that but it did stop her from crying wolf abou killing herself.

[jdtm]

She complains that she only came to me for motherly advice...and berates me for that too.

Your statement reminds me of a friend of mine who has only one daughter.  Her reply is "I love you and trust you enought to know that you will be able to handle what life offers".  She does not try to solve her daughter's problems nor does she take the blame.  As Dr. Phil says - when you choose the behaviour, you choose the consequence.  Many of our young people today have trouble with that concept.

Good for you for deciding your terms and setting your boundaries.  After all, we're talking about adults here and not children.

[AnnaB]

Haha  that made me smile, we are talking about adults here not children....good one 
and true. I had a hard life, my mom's advice to me when I was getting beaten up was "take a walk around the block dear."...I created my own business and ran it taking care of 5 people, took good care of my three kids and yes, it is time they became adults too at ages 35,39 and 42.

I just feel better knowing I WILL se the boundaries I NEED if and when she ever comes back. I can no longer go the cottage she and her husband built on the very expensive land I gave them because they always find something wrong with us. He promised that we would always be welcome, well, they make up lies now about us and it is not worth the aggravation of going back.

Thank you for the reminder that in fact, yes, they ARE adults. I was, I had a hard life, and I had to fix it by myself.I do feel more free and not like my chest is tightening up just with the thought of not seeing them anymore, but I do love her, but coming back has to be on my terms now, or forget it.

[AnnaB]

Actually reading a reply up above, I never took sides, I tried to help the SIL as much as the DD, but they both turned  on me so that is a lesson in and of itself, just stay out of it and if my DD is suicidal, I cannot help. She shuts me out and terrorizes him. In turn they abuse each other. Nothing I can do any more, it is a relief to pull away.

[luise.volta]

My take: Stay out of it. Don't listen to her complaints...they are about her not you. She's playing you against yourself. The more you focus on this, A - the more it will expand and consume you. When you focus elsewhere, it will contract and no longer be a big part of your life. Take a moment and go back and read your posts...see what you are making your life about. Your daughter isn't doing that...you are. Start writing about the rest of your life and see what happens. You are more than a victim locked in an entanglement...you are a person worth saving. Sending love...

[AnnaB]

Funny you should say that Luise....my best girlfriend and my hubby said the same thing to me, that she always throws it back on to me. Probably because I accept it! It is my own fault, and I feel happy and free to think that yes, I can stop this and I will. I have good friends who love me, my cat who adores me , a wonderful supportive sweet loving husband, and a wonderful career, I am self employed and a good boss!

Thank you for your added insight, I wish I could repay you in some way.I think, for the first time since she left home at 27..she is now 39, I will finally let the  butterfly go off and not try to be the wind beneath  her wings.

[AnnaB]

Elsie, kind of like what you said too....when I am involved in their very unhappy lives, ( they are handsome and beautiful and intelligent and he makes a good income, she does not work, no kids) then they focus on me, the best thing is for them to ONLY focus on themselves, and maybe they will be able to save their marriage. She is a good person, just horribly lacks self esteem for so many reasons. She is a beautiful woman, a great artist, thinks so low of herself. She takes it out on me. Now, without me in their lives, they  can only look at themselves. Thanks Elsie and everyone else. I am better. What a gift this site has been.

[luise.volta]

[Keys Girl]

Don't listen to her.  Tell her that as a loving mother you think she deserves to be speaking to someone trained in marriage counselling, not a well meaning amateur.  Three is a crowd.....and there is a good one here at WWU!