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Daughters one wild

Started by jlma, October 13, 2012, 04:16:45 PM

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jlma

I have 4 grown daughters all grown and my story is long and complicated so I am going to try and make it short. We were all close until the past 5 years and things have gone down hill fast. My oldest daughter age 36, was the first grandchild and niece in our family. She was very close to me as well as her aunt and grandmother. About 5 years ago she decided she wanted nothing else to do with my sister, her aunt. My sister had bought everything for her and her children and  spoiled  the whole family terribly. When she decided to cut ties with her aunt she also cut ties with her grandmother as well. My sister became terminally ill 3 years ago and up until her last breath she was begging to see the nieces and nephews but it feel on deaf ears. About 6 months after that she decided to cut me out of her and the childrens life as well. She has also managed to brain wash her younger sisters in to believing that we are horrible parents. I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams this happening. These girls were not abused and were spoiled beyond words. One of my middle daughters called the other night and called me filthy names and then told me to never contact her again after calling among other things  an evil selfish *****. There was nothing leading up to this bizarre behavior. The other middle daughter does not even speak to me and ignores all calls and text. The only daughter that talks to me is the baby and she has to do so without mentioning it to her sisters. I am so confused and hurt. I cannot even get them to tell me what I have done wrong. I have apologized over and over and I don't even know for what. My precious granddaughter became very ill last summer and almost died and no one even told me. We live in a small town and I heard it at the store. This hurts as I was very close to her children before she took them away and they are all preteens. She has a baby 2 that I have only seen once in the store. Help ! I think I am loosing my mind !

herbalescapes

One of the problems with apologizing for something without knowing what that something is, is that it is hard to be sincere.  I'd give up apologizing.  You're stuck, I know, but children even when they are adults have unreasonable expectations of their parents' omniscience.  Maybe your kids have some legitimate gripes and they think these gripes are obvious so they think you are just playing dumb.  Or maybe they are rescripting the past so they can avoid responsibility for their own decisions.  (It's Mom's fault I didn't get a college education; she should have forced me to get an annulment when I eloped with that biker I met at a bar and went on a two-year cross-country road trip instead of going to school). 

I hope things continue to go well with YD.  Maybe with time family hurts will heal.  If they ever do come forward with specific complaints, remember that just because these gripes sound ridiculous to you, they may be very serious to them.  Don't reject them too hastily.  (Post them here and see what others say).

Good luck. 

Pen

jlma, welcome. I'm sorry you're going through this but glad you found your way here. Please take a moment to read the pink highlighted material under the topic Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

jlma

Thanks ! Has anyone ever heard of one daughter brain washing the others ? I know this sounds crazy but it appears as if that is what has happened. The girls are like all extremely close, to close actually and it seems as if they have some strange pact to hate me. I cannot imagine what has happened. I was the Mom always at all school functions, carried them breakfast in bed every morning until they graduated school, made sure they went to college and gave them everything I could cars, country club, cellphones on and on cannot wrap around this.

constantmargaret

I have read of many families where the estrangement started with one child who recruited their siblings to join them in hating their parents. Not uncommon with modern children and lemmings.

Maybe the answer is in your post.  "Spoiled beyond words."

I didn't set out to spoil my children, I just wanted my children to have more than I had growing up. But by never teaching them reciprocity, I spoiled my kids, and I regret it. I didn't serve them breakfast in bed, but in other ways I unknowingly taught them that I was the giver, and they were the takers. Those were the roles. No wonder the first time I failed to grant their wish before they even thought to wish it I became a failure in their eyes. No wonder that when they became adults but didn't automatically stop taking and expecting they became failures in my eyes. In spite of my good intentions, I set up the dominoes to fall the disappointing way that they inevitably did.

If I had to do it over, I would teach my children to work, to give, and to help without expecting anything in return but thanks.  I don't have to do it over, thank the universe, so all I can do at this point is hope that some of what I did right rubs off too.

I agree you should stop apologizing and start living for yourself. If they come around, good. If they don't, you won't have wasted years wringing your hands wondering what you did. You know what you did and why you did it. You can't make anyone else see that.







Pen

Well, you never know. I take it on a kid-by-kid basis...what works to develop a sense of reciprocity and gratitude in one will create anger and resentment in another.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

constantmargaret

Point taken Pen, but I'd rather have a kid angry and resentful at me for making him do chores  than for serving him breakfast in bed.

Didi.lost

That's so true Pen, thst is my two kids exactly.  One is angry and mean, the other is respectful and thankful.  Go figure.

Can't please them all.

jlma

Thanks to all for your comments. I have realized that in order to give them a better life than I had I created a new problem. I lived only for my children and loved them with everything I had, this is so hard. I have been having nightmares where they are little again and are lost. I keep searching for them in my sleep. I guess this to shall pass and I pray that each day gets better. I am so glad I found this site it helps to talk. If you have not been in these shoes it is so difficult. I am dreading the holidays, I had always loved them and they were a wonderful time of year for our family. This year I guess it will be me and the husband while all of the children gather together.

AnnaB

Wow well said. I took care of my bi polar daughter when she had her  baby....took her breakfast in bed, she screamed at me and bolted from the house telling the father of her baby that I had abused her.

Doe

jlma-
I don't have any doubt that you'll be able to find other people who will appreciate your giving nature (breakfast in bed, indeed!) - once you can let go of these ingrates!   I know how fixated a mom can become on lost relationships with AC but you really sound like a giver who needs to find other people who will appreciate your efforts.

jlma

I am trying and each day does get easier. Especially the days where I happen to run into qone or the other. This happened the other day with next to the oldest. I saw her in town and wanted to tell her about an accident her brother had, she was with a friend from work, the other girl stayed very close as if I was going to attack my daughter. I have never laid a hand on my children and this made me feel like , what are they telling people ? This daughter is 28 and acted like an a##. I said " Hey I just wanted to tell you about your brother. She flipped her hair and said well tell me.After I told her she just turned and walked away. I was so insulted. Never will I try to even be civil again and in fact will try to avoid them at all cost. I am fast learning these are people I would not even associate with if they were my daughters. How sad for them. Now doesn't that sound horrible.

jlma

On a side note the nightmares continue of me looking for them as little girls. Any suggestions ?

Doe

I've read that B1 helps with stress and sleeping more soundly.  It works for me.

Pooh

Welcome jlma and no, nothing you said sounds horrible.  It unfortunately sounds like a reality that many of us have had to face.  You will face it, in fact from your statements, you already are.

On the nightmare/dream thing.  I have always been fascinated with dreams and I have read several books, studies, articles, etc. on them.  I kept having recurring nightmares about tornadoes.  The same dream would repeat itself over and over again for many months when I was in some of the worst periods of my life.  They were always similar, but different at times, but always centered around me running from tornadoes.  It was very weird and sent me on a quest to study them.  Anyway, it boils down to when you start coming to realizations and dealing with them, in your awake stage, the dreams will dwindle off and stop in your sleep subconscious.  As I began taking my life back and not dwelling on the issues, the dreams started subsiding.  Our brains are such complicated creatures and we carry our awake thoughts into our asleep thoughts.

When you start facing and dealing with the issues you are having and coming to peace with them, the dreams will stop or at least not invade your subconscious very often.  It's totally normal.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell