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I'm stuck lately...

Started by NewMama, November 05, 2012, 10:15:13 AM

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pam1

Quote from: Pooh on November 08, 2012, 10:04:48 AM
That did make me think of a question though.  For those that leave his FOO to him as far as gift giving, do you do this across the board?  Like friends, his AC (if it's a blended family, etc.)

No.  In fact, I still give DH ideas for his FOO if I come across something that I think they would like.  If he already liked something for them and I'm out and see it, I will still buy it for him.  But it's on him ultimately to make sure they get it and bottom line, make sure he is still making an effort with his FOO since mine was not appreciated.  It is ultimately his responsibility in our marriage and there is no Pam will just take care of it all.  And then get sniped at for what I did do.  If they don't like it, DH deals with it.  It has taken a big burden off of me and him to do it this way, we both share the responsibility for taking care of our own FOO.  It is no different than another marital choice, such as who pays the bills or takes out the trash.

But, then again, neither of us think of gifts as others do.  I think it's a Love Language thing.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pooh

Ok, so you actually share the responsilibility, the same way we do.

I was more curious about those that might have a DH (like my Ex) that wouldn't have bought anything if you left it up to them.  I'm not asking because I think it's the "wife's" responsilibity to do if they don't.  I personally don't think anything is the wife or the husband's responsiblity...I think all things should be shared.

In my Ex's case, because we went over to his FOO at Christmas, I would have felt awful if I had to sit and watch them hand us gifts and we didn't have anything for them because his lazy butt didn't do it.  Him?  Wouldn't have bothered him one bit.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

And I am lucky that we do very minimal gift exchanging now that I am with 2nd DH.  It's down to kids and just ourselves...it's very nice :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

NewMama

Our list got huge at one point, when we first started living together and got married. It feels a little more under control now with separating it, and my GPs have since passed away. MIL will still get a gift for DH and a gift for me, but instead of getting a gift from me and a separate one from DH, she now gets two or three with "from DH, NewMama and DS". Last year we got a few gifts from her, which were household things that had no name specified on them so basically they were for both of us. DS's were the only ones marked. Shopping separately saves us the trouble of pestering each other for gift ideas for each other's FOO too.

NewMama

I just wanted to add, DH is good about shopping for special occasions, as much as he doesn't care for holidays. He managed his parents gifts for years before we lived together. He doesn't need me to do it (besides the wrapping) and he knows them better than I do in terms of what to get them.

I do know women that have husbands that would just simply not done any of it and not cared one bit.

Oh and DS's gifts take up 75% of the space under the tree now anyways, that's way more fun :)

Pooh

It is!  I'm trying to refrain from filling mine up this year with grandson gifts...I mean...how much can a three day old use?  :)  Who am I kidding....
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

Quote from: NewMama on November 08, 2012, 05:42:44 AM
Thanks everyone for the replies. Hearing from other helps me get some perspective.

DH threw me for a loop when he last minute cancelled Thanksgiving on MIL, and I knew she was going to take that out on me. And sure enough she did, telling DH it's ok and then complain to me that we were supposed to come visit and didn't. I used to push him to go when he did stuff like that, but stopped. I think next time he does it I'm going to have to tell him it's making my life miserable and to stop. Whether or not he believes his mother is acting that way remains to be seen.

The Christmas gift thing is interesting, I see different families doing it different ways. My brother has always done the shopping for our family, and SisIL does hers. DH and I used to each buy a gift for everyone, but when DS arrived we were perplexed as to where to put his name on gifts. We decided that instead of each of us buying a gift for someone else, we'd buy 2 or 3 three things and put from NewMama, DH and DS. So he does the gifts for his side now, and I do mine. I still end up with the longer list since my side is bigger, but DH seems way less stressed about Christmas now. He still doesn't get why my FOO buys him gifts, no matter how much I tell him that since he married me, they see him as 'one of us' now. And I see his family the same - they're my family now too, but he doesn't see things that way. He's also not a sentimental guy, and doesn't care for holidays. Part of the reason he doesn't get that bailing on his mom on holidays hurts her feelings.

I think bailing on someone, regardless of the reason or even it's a holiday isn't acceptable, unless there is an emergency.  So I understand your concern there.  I wonder if you can phrase it to him in terms of it being hurtful no matter what, irregardless of it being a holiday and no matter who he made the plans with.  And personally, I would just go anyways if I already confirmed my attendance and there wasn't a strained relationship with the in laws. 

Also, if it does come up with DH about you buying for your Mom but not MIL, then maybe it's a good time to discuss the differences between you too so he understands that it is not a diss to MIL, it is just something nice for your Mom.  It would be really difficult to go through the rest of your marriage buying the exact same things for your Mom and MIL.  Additionally, it sounds like you don't expect him to do for your FOO exactly what he does for his, so that might be another talking point. 

Pooh, DH has forgotten a few times.  I was embarrassed but had to learn to detach from it.  It was more painful to make sure DH and the ILs got what they all wanted (DH did seem to think once "I do" was said that I was automatically responsible for a lot of things to do with his FOO, unbeknowst to me.)  For some reason, whatever DH did before me was A-OK (he forgot then too or bought not so nice things) but once he married me, the ILs expected more.  But no matter what I did it was not enough.  So now they all have to deal with each other directly, they know they can't blame me anymore.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

NewMama

Sometimes he can't see past the short term pain (3 total hours in the car with DS and him getting off schedule) for the long term gain (maintaining a relationship with his mom, fostering one between DS and her). We've given each other final say in plans with each others FOO for family events. It doesn't bother me to get DS off schedule for the occasional family function, but it winds DH up. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do Thanksgiving, but when he tells his mom 'maybe we'll come up' she assumes we're coming. It's one big miscommunication - he thinks he's just thinking out loud and she thinks we have a plan.

When he does that she comes across as very understanding (to DH) - it's ok, you're busy, don't worry about it, etc, etc. That's usually when I get thrown under the bus without his realizing it. Especially when he says we had dinner with my mom instead - who in reality said she would plan her dinner around whatever MIL wanted to do. She's aware of the tension and was trying to make things easier. MIL thinks I'm making DH go with my FOO, because he won't tell her he just doesn't want to drive.

I wish she would let into him about it, because it's not a nice thing to do. I think next time this comes up I'm going to have to say something. She probably never will, and I'm not sure he'll be convinced that it hurts her feelings. She's big on putting up a happy front to DH. When I told him he's hurt her feelings before (she looked absolutely crushed when he told her that DS is quite bonded to my mom) , he just couldn't see it. I think it's way easier for her to take things out on me instead of him.

Pen

As a MIL I can totally understand your MIL's hurt feelings. If I had expressed understanding about my DS & DIL being too busy to have a previously planned dinner with me, only to hear they'd had dinner with DIL's DM instead, I'd be upset (and rightly so IMO) that I was essentially lied to and stood up. The wrong here isn't that DS told his mom about the dinner with DIL's DM, it's that she was dumped in favor of DIL's DM.

I was raised to honor the first invitation I accepted, not to dump the first one in order to attend a "better" one. It's kind of ingrained in me as being the polite and honorable thing to do, even if it's painful. And no one, MILs included, want to be lied to. I intensely dislike feeling as if my DS & DIL think I'm so stupid I'll fall for anything they say or that it's OK to not be straight with me.

A note about MIL emotions and annoying behaviors: I can't speak for all MILs, but I know in my situation my behavior around DS & DIL now is much different than it used to be. Being told by words and actions that one is "less than" can have an affect on one's behavior that isn't very attractive. I dislike the change in myself and am working to regain my previously fun, happy, loving nature. It's been difficult, with a few setbacks. Some compassion from DS & DIL would help  lot (but I'm not counting on it.)

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

NewMama

Pen, I wholeheartedly understand that it's difficult for my MIL. I just disagree with the way she's handling it, which mostly involves taking things out on me that I didn't do or had nothing to do with. I feel for her that being away from her only son and GS is hard. Especially when she hears about the things she'd like to be doing with DS that my mom is able to do - popping in for visits, babysitting etc. When this all started, I thought it was about me or something I'd done. Lately though, I'm beginning to see I'm mostly just getting scapegoated for the dumb things DH does. He loves his mom, but there's some big time taking for granted going on.

She's never ever cross with him, won't disagree with him, and won't call him on his bad behaviour when even I think she should. She poured everything she had into raising DH, and some of the conflict I've had with her is over blurring the line between mother/grandmother. She's very used to being the 'one and only mom' and now there's multiple other moms in DS's life - me, my mom, my stepmom. I never understood the whole conflict between MILs and DILs over the adult son's affections. I felt she's his mom, that's her place. I'm his wife and that's my place. I married him to have a partner, not mother someone else's grown child. I think that's why we never had conflict before DS arrived. Now she wants a mom place in DS's life - I've literally caught her repeatedly referring to herself as Mommy to DS. I chalked it up to a slip of the tongue the first few times. After about the 20th time? Not so much. She doesn't like me touching, picking up, playing with, comforting, sitting next to or feeding DS. I'm "allowed" to change his bum. Obviously, none of this goes over very well with me.

When DH does something stupid like cancel Thanksgiving, he doesn't tell her why, she'll just ask what we're up to, and he'll tell her we're having dinner with my mom. I offered to pack DS up for an overnight visit, or get him organized for a day visit, which ever DH preferred. My mom offered to plan her dinner around whatever MIL wanted to do. What MIL gets out of that is I'm forcing her son to have dinner with my own mother instead of her. So it gets taken out on me. My mother and I were both bending over backwards to accommodate her - but poor DH has a controlling wife in her eyes. It's way, way easier to believe I'm doing that than her own son is being so ridiculously inconsiderate and taking her for granted. I'm hoping that if I can get him to stop doing that, she'll back off me. I hope that in the future she'll learn to enjoy DS and his future sibling as their gma, instead of battling me over being their mother.

Pooh

I think that's what the majority of all of our problems are here.  Doesn't matter if its a MIL//DD/DIL/DS, etc. problem.  It's misplaced anger of responsibility (what I call it).  Meaning instead of taking up an issue with the person responsible for it, they want to make a scapegoat out of someone else and that's usually the person that is actually trying to make the relationship work.  Then when that person has finally had their fill of it and steps back, everything starts crumbling and it must be "that" person's fault instead of realizing how hard "that" person must of been working thus far.

And just an observation on my part, but it seems to me that the person who's responsibility it usually is, isn't jumping up with their hand in the air going, "Ok, I did it."  They are in as much denial as the blamer so it works for both of them, and they also put it back on the blamer (That's just how they are, don't worry about it, just ignore it, etc, out-of-sight-out-of-mind).



We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

NewMama

Quote from: Pooh on November 13, 2012, 09:29:10 AM
Then when that person has finally had their fill of it and steps back, everything starts crumbling and it must be "that" person's fault instead of realizing how hard "that" person must of been working thus far.

I think we've hit that stage. Even before all this started, I felt like we had to sort of make up for the fact that she would be the "away" GM.  And all those things I did, like reminding him to schedule visits or getting photos together for her, DH is the one who gets credit for it. He made the phone call about a visit. He handed her the photos. He gave her the bottle to feed DS. Since this started, I stepped back into what I feel is a more supportive role - if he says he wants to visit, I won't say no but I'm sure not offering myself to be treated like that anymore. We see them about as much as we did before DS was born, but not nearly as much during the first 6 months of his life.

I always thought they had this great mother-son relationship, and for the most part they do. DS's birth revealed a disconnect in their relationship that I never really noticed before. And I don't think they notice it either. DH brushed it off when I mentioned the jealousy thing to him, saying I was probably misreading things and he knows him mom better than I do. He was dumbfounded when I said she point blank admitted she was jealous. He really seems to forgot his mom is a human being with feelings and imperfections like the rest of us.