I don't even have words.

[DivaGirlDIL]

Tonight my mother asked me a favor.  It involved family and I told her no.  I thought it was not her place to butt in, and I wasn't about to join her.  She go mad threw in but he lost his dad.  I told her not to go there.  When that didn't work she dropped a bomb shell.  She had an appointment with her doctor to check for skin cancer.  I went off and told her bye.  How dare she use that.  Talked to my sister to vent.  Then she calls back don't tell your sister about my appointment.  I think it's back I, I feel like I did before(she wasn't lying).  I don't want your sister stressing.  Um so this is how you tell me.  I told her I didn't feel anything but anger for her.  How dare she inform me this way and use illness to get her way.  This isn't the first time either.  I can't see pass my anger right now.  That's not how you tell someone.

[luise.volta]

You aren't easily fooled or manipulated. But telling you and not telling you not to tell sure created havoc. Venting is healthy it seems to me. Maybe the lesson is to stand your ground, which you did well...but to not pass anything on? Any further thoughts? Sending love...

[Doe]

Is this life threatening?  In my opinion, if it is, that's a game changer.  Time to change all the rules and start learning how to say good bye.  It sounds like she won't be missed by you when she's gone, but she will be dead and gone at some point.  When a person tells me they might have cancer, it's time to put the gloves down and step away and give them some peace.  That's just my opinion.

[DivaGirlDIL]

Doe no it's not life threatening at least it wasn't last time.  She is my mother I love her and i would miss her.  I don't think she has a right to tell me in the manor she did.  You don't tell you child your cancer might beback to make her feel guilty.  You break it to her in a kind way.  Then she got mad at me for being angry with the way she told me.  Words that I wanted to say to I won't and are not allowed on here either.

[herbalescapes]

DG, I'm with ya.  It's mean to use personal illness - life threatening or not - to manipulate people.  Manipulation is manipulation.  Illness gets you a free pass in some areas, but it doesn't sound like your mother fits the bill to have her rudeness swept under the carpet.  You can't undo how she told you the news so you will have to decide how to deal with that.  I do think you should honor her request not to tell anyone else. It's her place to do that.

Good luck.

[constantmargaret]

DivaGirl, Is it possible that your mother is scared out of her mind? Skin cancer is life threatening. It didn't kill her last time, but that doesn't mean it can't come back and kill her this time.  Cancer survivors live in daily fear of their cancers returning and that kind of constant stress can make people act less than perfect. You didn't say what type she had, but a recurrence of a melanoma is not a good thing. I'll bet she's terrified. And in no condition to fight.

When a person tells me they might have cancer, it's time to put the gloves down and step away and give them some peace.  That's just my opinion.

Mine too. I hope she's ok.

[Doe]

I agree CM .  There aren't a set of rules for how someone with cancer (of any kind) should act. 

[DivaGirlDIL]

If she is scared fine but don't use it to control me.  You don't tell me that you might have your cancer back to get your way.  She is trying to butt into my cousins life.  I don't want to be in the middle of it.  She did this when my Uncle was dying she told me only when she wanted me to what she wanted.  He died a few weeks later.  My sister knew about his illness a whole lot sooner.  I deserve to be told as she will tell my sister with just as much compassion. I will not be controlled by her.  My FIl gets the same cancer he has never used it to make his son bend. 

[Pooh]

And in that lies your strength DivaGirl.  You know her well enough to know that she was using it as a tactic and not giving you news.  Even if she was scared, combined with the rest of the conversation it does sound like she was trying to get sympathy so you would do what she wanted.  I remember from your other posts this is not your first rodeo with her trying things like this.

Sorry she upset you.

[Doe]

I'm sorry she upset you too.

However.....I wonder if you grant this woman more power than she really has.  She sounds weak and flailing to me from what you write.  Who knows why she does what she does?  Her tactics are not coming from a position of strength, imo.  She sounds a little pitiful and confused.

[Lillycache]

I'm sorry she upset you too.

However.....I wonder if you grant this woman more power than she really has.  She sounds weak and flailing to me from what you write.  Who knows why she does what she does?  Her tactics are not coming from a position of strength, imo.  She sounds a little pitiful and confused.

That's what I was thinking.  Her tactics may be annoying or maddening, but she seems to me to be frightened and looking for validation of her importance and of being loved by her family.   Sometimes when we are young, it is very important to us to break free of parental control and we may become angry at any attempt to "control us"   However perhaps looking at her as just a frightened individual looking for comfort instead of a parental authority or a manipulator may ease your anger.

[Pen]

I agree. I'm thinking she's not certain that she'll get support from you. She doesn't sound as if she feels safe and secure. People can resort to annoying behavior under those circumstances.

[Lillycache]

And, it may not be easy for her to say that she is afraid, or she is worried that her family won't be there for her, or she isn't sure of your love for her, so instead she is trying to shock or guilt you into saying it or proving it to her.  It's not always easy for a parent to admit vulnerability to their child.

[pam1]

DivaGirl, I feel for you.  That has to be hard.  And it sounds like the relationship is a difficult one.  DH and I were recommended the book "Walking on Eggshells" for a family member with a mental illness but I'm not saying at all that your mother is mentally ill.  I just want to recommend the book because I thought (and others in the reviews) found it a great book to pick up some coping skills for difficult relationships in general.  It goes over this kind of stuff that you're experiencing and has some excellent ways for you too kind of redirect your own mind when it happens.  I can't recommend that book enough.

[luise.volta]

She may be up against the big one...that "safe and secure" comes from within, not without. Scary! We have to take responsibility for ourselves and stop blaming others! Sometimes it's a loving contribution not to accept the blame.