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tears for mothers day thanks dil......

Started by bettylou, May 07, 2010, 03:33:29 PM

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cremebrulee

Glitter and Postcript

Point well taken...You've certainly both given me some good advice to ponder...I never thought of it that way...while stating my other posts, I had my own experiences in mind...which was wrong...and I do see your point...your right...emotions got the better of me...

Many thanks to you both.


luise.volta

It's probably been gone for decades but there used to be a monthly feature in a woman's magazine called. "Can this Marriage Be Saved?" The first part was the wife's story and by the time I had read it, I hated her husband and wanted to rip his face off. Then I would read his take on the subject. What an eye opener! Same players; whole different universe! Then the psychologist would finish by suggesting what might work and I'd be dumbfounded. (Ripping anyone's face off was never suggested, by the way.)

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

Quote from: luise.volta on May 08, 2010, 09:25:50 PM
It's probably been gone for decades but there used to be a monthly feature in a woman's magazine called. "Can this Marriage Be Saved?" The first part was the wife's story and by the time I had read it, I hated her husband and wanted to rip his face off. Then I would read his take on the subject. What an eye opener! Same players; whole different universe! Then the psychologist would finish by suggesting what might work and I'd be dumbfounded. (Ripping anyone's face off was never suggested, by the way.)

LOL...

I've surely learned a lesson....people have to work it out for themselves...

doormat

I remember that column and I always felt the same way!!  I'd read one spouse's version, get mad on their behalf, then read the other side and be stumped.   

alohomora

I'm not really sure why you're blaming your DIL here. At all. She said 'hey let's get together' but your son was the one who should have tried to make those plans. And he was the one who didn't even want to call you - so it sounds to me like you have a son issue - not a DIL issue.

One sleep over does not a new relationship make. I don't see anything wrong with how they spent their mothers day, sone was honouring his wife, the mother of his children. He sent his own mother a card and chose to spend the day with his wife and her own mother. If it were my husband, I would think poorly if he didn't at least phone his own mother. He could have arranged to see you at another time as well, if the day of was not going to work. But at the same time you all don't have the closest relationship so its different.


RedRose

And, they could have spent the day with both Mothers...together...or at separate times.  It was a long day...


luise.volta

There you go again, Red Rose...cluttering it up with logic!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

MagicGram

Quote from: cremebrulee on May 08, 2010, 11:49:02 AM
Glitter
You and I are from two different cultures...while I can understand your feelings...we never saw it as how you described...

Back then, travel was next to nill...all you had was family and you knew when something bad was happening to someone in the family...you will I'm afraid, never be able to understand our culture, however, Luise would...I'm sure...not saying that her family was like mine, but families were so so so much closer...

It wasn't that we interferred, we just knew everyone's feelings and problems, joys and success, and we celebrated or tried to help others...it was during the time if someone's home or barn burnt, neighbors came from far and wide to rebuild it...

So, I can see kinda how you might misunderstand intentions here...and so would others....however, the culture I came from, you stand up for what you think and believe in, is right, including all family members and friends...while I'd tell them, I don't know what's going on, and I don't want to know, however, I know someone's hurting badly...and all involved needs to step up and communicate each other's feelings and settle this....I know when things were going on with my son and I, my son called one of my closest girlfriends...it  helped...she spoke honestly...and actually, it all worked out the way she  predicted it would...thank God....


I know, it's probably very difficult to understand this, and I cannot explain it the way I'd like to...we didn't have cars...everyone worked in the same town, you got a job, you worked that job all your life...it was a trade you learned...people were closer, much closer, the only way we traveled was by train to go to the "Big City"....I was raised in a small community, a farm town...the entire town would sit outside in the summer, and talk, and share dinner, stories, personal woes....we were a huge family so to speak...and we helped each other out....all neighbors watched out for everyone's kids...back then if a neighbor yelled at the kids...the parents didn't get offended, they'd probably yell at they're own kids to, when they heard about it.  Televisions were upcoming...I remember watching my first color TV when I was 7 years old...
just to give you an idea....

I don't think it's a culture thing or an generational thing, or a just two different innocent perceptions that innocently conflict.  Meddling and interference and mean spiritedness are as old as humanity, both the Old and New Testament warn sternly about it.  It causes horrible social disruption and there's a reason the Old Testament lists meddlers as evil as murderers.

It's an old, old problem.  It's wrong and always has been.  And it does get a lot of attention in religious texts because it causes so much evil.  It was called idleness and meddling back then and is known as manipulation and interfering now.  And it's not innocent.

Not to say that there are not innocent misunderstandings and cultural clashes.  But lying is lying and slander is slander and misrepresentation is lying and slander. 

Bettylou wrote this thread knowing that it was her own fault she was left out for Mother's Day and that she was left out for good cause.  And she falsely blamed her DIL for it, manipulating all of us, hoping to get undeserved pity and hoping we'd help her mistreat her DIL even from afar (even if her DIL never knew of it).  I'm glad she's resolved to change her ways, but this is an excellent example of how something that is not at all innocent can be dressed up to look exactly what it's not.

ESmom

Quote from: bettylou on May 07, 2010, 03:33:29 PM
Well after that great visit with grandson and the nice day with DIL and son when they picked him up I let my guard down and got hurt.  Dil asked me, what I was going to do for mother's day this year, I told her we had no plans after church and then she said we would all get togethor.  I never heard back from them.  Son sent me a card and I got it today and called to thank him.  I asked him if they would like to meet us after church or come with us to church like my son used to on special days.  He told me they could not that they would be spending the whole day her mother!  They were going to take her and gs out to a winery in the morning for brunch and then wine shopping and that after that they would do lunch there and then they had a day of shopping for art for dil and her mom.  Oh boy!  What a busy day no time to squeeze in even five minutes for me?  No he said, it will be a long day and then ofcourse putting gs to bed in the evening.  I was so shocked I thought I finally was good enough and I was going to be a grandma and mom again, but no he told me after he realized what a busy day he was going to have he decided to mail my card early to get it out of the way.  What a sweet boy I have I guess........I am so hurt, what is to look forward to now?  The day has not happened yet and it is already ruined for me.  I want to hide in bed all weekend!  More sadness and let down

Hi!
I'm new here.
Betty lou..when you got the card in the mail..it was a tip off he wasn't coming.
You have a son problem.
The DIL wouldn't have said "let's get together". No one lies like that.
Sounds like they decided together.
Which means you have a son problem.

cremebrulee

May 11, 2010, 07:50:37 AM #24 Last Edit: May 11, 2010, 07:57:45 AM by cremebrulee
QuoteMagicGram

I don't think it's a culture thing or an generational thing, or a just two different innocent perceptions that innocently conflict.  Meddling and interference and mean spiritedness are as old as humanity, both the Old and New Testament warn sternly about it.  It causes horrible social disruption and there's a reason the Old Testament lists meddlers as evil as murderers.

You may call it meddling, however, when you look at it from your perspective, it insults the woman who raised me...and my entire family....I was raised in a very close family...we knew everything about everyone in that family and most of our neighbors from information they offered to us...and we shared with them....my parents helped so many people out in they're lifetime, you could never count the amount of money they gave away to neighbors in need....they worked for nothing in the church cleaning....they wouldn't take any money, plus my foster dad made many things for many people, in his craft, and did many favors for people, and never charged them a cent...my mom was the person everyone came to....and she taught us, to not stand by and allow people who were in need to ignore...and that is why I made that statement, however, the two girls who pointed out to me, the what ifs...made sense....

And I still would say something to both people, if the spirit moved me to, given the right time and place and information...however, I would have to know more about the situation, and if both people were talking to me about this subject, and it was a case of misperceptions, yes, I would try very hard to help...and I wouldn't call it meddlilng and am by far, not mean spirited....

To each his own...I speak up for what I believe is right, and as I see it, so do you...however, I would suggest, you not judge a book by it's cover...there are people out there who in your mind, meddle, in my mind, are very helpful creatures...and since I've had the honor in my lifetime to meet up with those kind of people, I'd like to pay it forward, if I can...however, since those girls posted they're views...it made sense, so I would certainly be a lot more cautious before I spoke up...but, speak up I will...if I think I can help...that's just me...call me meddling, mean spirited, whatever...but it wouldn't be for those reasons, it would be, b/c I care. 

And as far as I'm concerned, the good Lord put us here to help each other, if not in person, in these forums...and when we comment on posts, aren't we all meddling just a little? Or is it truly b/c we all care about each other and just want to help each other?

All things happen for a reason...I've meddled a couple times in my life...and was so glad I did...once it was two girls fighting, in a ladies room...I grabbed them both...and broke it up...I'm not the kind of person who will sit back and watch...and I'll deal with the consequences later...maybe I'm wrong, maybe not...who knows, depends on the situation...but this is who my mother taught me to be...and she was loved by more people then you probably know...you should have seen the tons of birthday cards she got from people every year...it was absolutely amazing how many people loved her...because she meddled....




luise.volta

There are a lot of ways to butter a piece of bread, aren't there? I think we're all learning tolerance.

I am going over to the nursing home right now to visit my DH and after that is my twice-a-month CareGgiver's Support Group (that has really saved my bacon) but when I get back, I'll tell you about the community where I live. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

1Glitterati

Quote from: luise.volta on May 11, 2010, 12:40:19 PM
There are a lot of ways to butter a piece of bread, aren't there? I think we're all learning tolerance.

I am going over to the nursing home right now to visit my DH and after that is my twice-a-month CareGgiver's Support Group (that has really saved my bacon) but when I get back, I'll tell you about the community where I live. Sending love...

I wish every retirement community had one...it would do so much more good.

kitty53

Have you ever heard the saying "A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life."  That has been so true.  I have two sons that are married and we have stopped inviting them for holidays.  They are ALWAYS with their wives family.  It hurts, but I have decided to not let it ruin my life.  They are the ones who will figure out someday how much they missed out.

Pen

It does hurt. It's not fair. Some parents never experience that loss; for some reason their sons are able to balance it all and the DILs and their FOOs are willing to work towards that goal, too. Everyone is considerate of each others feelings and it seems to work out.

For those of us who aren't so lucky, we must figure out how to, as Kitty puts it, not let it ruin our lives. I need to get over my sense of justice; so what if moving on gives those who hurt us a free pass to continue their inconsiderate ways? I'm worth better treatment! Right now I'm on a day-by-day plan, and am making progress towards week-by-week. I'm doing much better than I was when I first came to this site!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Hope

Quote from: MagicGram on May 11, 2010, 07:26:05 AM
Bettylou wrote this thread knowing that it was her own fault she was left out for Mother's Day and that she was left out for good cause.  And she falsely blamed her DIL for it, manipulating all of us, hoping to get undeserved pity and hoping we'd help her mistreat her DIL even from afar (even if her DIL never knew of it).  I'm glad she's resolved to change her ways, but this is an excellent example of how something that is not at all innocent can be dressed up to look exactly what it's not.

Sorry, but I'm a little lost with MagicGram's post.  First of all, how was this Bettylou's fault?  I feel horrible for Bettylou that she was kicked under the bus on Mother's Day. Are you referring to her texting her son with her dd's phone?  If so, I realize that she used poor judgement in a weak moment, but it has nothing to do with her ds/dil excluding her after dil asked her to join them.  If I understand correctly, the text happened after she was excluded.  Also, her dil isn't effected in the least by anything Bettylou writes on this forum since she isn't aware of it. Bettylou is truly hurting and could use some understanding right now.
If I have my facts mixed up, please help me understand. 
Hugs, Hope