B-day Epic Fail

[Pen]

Thanks, guys. I know it isn't the end of the world. My anger & pain will subside, the sadness may take awhile.

DS used to visit alone, and occasionally we'd see him in his town alone. Not so much now...he promises to come over, but never shows. He invited me to stop by once but DIL got home early & he weirded out so I left. We don't have GC yet, thank goodness. I've been preparing to be the left-out GM anyway, already got that memo.

[Scoop]

You know what Pen, if this is a lost cause, then you have nothing left to lose.  That can be pretty freeing.

So call up DS and tell him that you're disappointed that he didn't even have a CARD for his Dad's birthday.  What's he going to do?  Not call you?  Be unpleasant at a family dinner?  Huh?  Feel free to tell him that too! 

Can you imagine?  "I'm not afraid of you.  You're acting like a brat and as your mother, I will ALWAYS call you on it. What are you going to do?  Call us LESS than never?  Ha!"

Sorry they're being stinky Pen, you deserve better.

[herbalescapes]

Pen, if you feel like it'd be best to detatch, do it.  Don't hang on because you don't want to let DIL 'win".  Maybe she "wins" by you continuing to make the effort.  Maybe she's not trying to "win" anything.  I believe my own ILs cut their noses to spite their faces because they assumed I was trying to take over family holidays and other gatherings.  They were fighting a battle I wasn't in and they lost anyway.  Don't let that happen to you. 

Good luck. 

[Pooh]

I love you too Pen!

Monroe, I'm listening.  I'm moving the GC things to another thread as to not hijack Pens.

[Keys Girl]

Pen, I applaud you efforts to try to foster a relationship that is based on having a family that is courteous and loving towards each other. 

Maybe that day will come, but in the meantime, I hope you will grieve the loss of hopes and expectations and eventually put them to rest in an envelope that won't be opened for a while and extend the love and affection that you obviously have to people who will reciprocate and appreciate it.  I agree with Scoop, you deserve better.

KG

[Pen]

Thanks for all the love, support & advice. With you all sitting on my shoulder today I managed to get through it smiling and feeling OK. I made an app't to see a counselor in a couple of weeks, and had a great phone session with a fabulous woman who I am declaring an honorary WWU member. Too bad I had to miss my exercise class after work - forgot to put my workout shorts in my gym bag. I can fake not having a sports bra, but one really needs pants.

These situations can rob us of our deepest, most precious selves if we're not careful. I'm going to be working on getting centered again and focusing on who I have always been and still want to be, not the weird Mom/MIL that has been constructed by people who don't care about me. It's going to be very hard work...but I'm up for it.

[Monroe]

Too bad I had to miss my exercise class after work - forgot to put my workout shorts in my gym bag. I can fake not having a sports bra, but one really needs pants.

Says who???

[Didi.lost]

These situations can rob us of our deepest, most precious selves if we're not careful. I'm going to be working on getting centered again and focusing on who I have always been and still want to be, not the weird Mom/MIL that has been constructed by people who don't care about me. It's going to be very hard work...but I'm up for it.

Oh Pen thank you

You just inspired me to follow you exactly
I'm think I'm up for it too.
Thanks

[luise.volta]

Sending barrels and buckets of love...

[PatiencePlease]

Sorry I'm late to this thread.  I would do the following:

1.  Plan a second celebration with just you and your DH -- something FUN!!  Doesn't have to be extravagent, but there should be a slice in time that honors your DH's birthday.  You need something to overshadow that toxicity.  You both deserve that.

2.  "Go dark" on your son -- detach.   Any conversation you follow up with him will simply slow down the healing process from this last episode. 

3.  Hold no expectations for the future.   Perhaps there will be a time when DS will pull up his big boy panties and simply communicate to his wife that he needs his parents in his life.  He can visit alone. 

Please go easy on yourself, Pen.  Let time begin to heal this latest hurt.

[Doe]

2.  "Go dark" on your son -- detach.   .

Love that phrase - 'go dark'

[Pen]

PP, good post. Thank you 

Re: "going dark" -

Not sure how this is going to work, even though I am more than keen to suspend contact. We've got some unusual circumstances that complicate things. DD is disabled & can't get around on her own. She can try to have phone contact w/her brother, but doesn't have email or texting & can't drive anywhere to visit. When I detach, she has to detach as well, and she doesn't understand. I haven't told her about any of this; I don't want to sully her good feelings about DS/DIL. She loves them & thinks they love her too. It's not my place to burst her bubble.

I'm waiting until it comes up to see how I want to handle the DDD/DS issue. Here come the holidays & DDD will wonder why we're not able to see them even briefly like we usually have done. We can't run away for a couple of reasons I won't go into here, so a travel excuse is out...darn it, my head is starting to spin again. I really want to sort this out!

It's becoming clear that my stress over this is not going to end just because I'm not in contact w/DS. I'm looking for a silver lining, not finding it yet...but it's there somewhere, isn't it?

[elsieshaye]

I think your idea to let it be and not try to explain it to DDD until she asks is a good one.  You can't prevent her from being disappointed, Pen.  Of course she's going to be.  But the truth is that he's going to blow her off as well.  You don't have to go into long explanations, just say that a visit didn't work out this Christmas - maybe next year.  And then just continue to redirect and get on with your life and hers. 

[Pen]

And on that very wise note, I'm going to close this thread. Thank you all for your help, I am forever grateful for this site and for all the WW who have posted their love, concern, advice and support on this topic