B-day Epic Fail

[Pen]

The b-day celebration for DH was horrible.

DIL was obviously unhappy about "having to" spend time w/us, DS was embarrassed and vacillated between trying to be nice to us and joining DIL in dismissing us, DIL zinged me with "DS gets so stressed out just thinking about being around you!" and then lied about me ("Your mother wouldn't even talk to me!") I had tried several times but got one word responses.

Epic fail, after I spent a lot of money on tix they supposedly wanted & a dinner they seemed to enjoy (even though the restaurant was one they criticised but wouldn't suggest an alternative to.) DH was very uncomfortable but kept quiet. He didn't even receive a card from them, let alone a gift. I was still up at 3:00 am sitting alone outside after we got home, drinking warm milk & honey while alternating between rage & tears. I'm humiliated, angry, ashamed, hurt, and very, very tired.

Lesson learned (again.) DIL's FOO is the only one they need. Heart broken. Estrangement likely.

[Doe]

(((((Pen))))))

You have gone above and beyond.  Enough is enough. 
My heart goes out to you.

[constantmargaret]

You tried Pen. It's them.

It would have been more humane for them to just say no thank you to the invitation if they didn't really want to go than to accept then show up resentful and make everyone uncomfortable and miserable. They probably think they didn't need to bring a gift because their very presence was gift enough. Yeah, thanks kids, but don't do us any more favors....

I'm so sorry it went down like that. For you and your DH both.  Sadly, estrangement sounds preferable. hug.

[luise.volta]

Beloved Pen, my take is that the lesson called "Having It Be The Way It Is" will be learned when it is and not a nanosecond sooner. As long as we want it to be different than the way it is or effort and struggle to try to accept the way it is or dream it won't always be the way it is or think we can say, do or act in some way that will fix the way it is...we're stuck. We set ourselves up because it isn't in us to give up.

I also think the lesson under the lesson may be different for each of us. For me, it was that DS was going to stick by DIL. While I admired him for that, I held the position that there was a compromise out there someplace. There had to be. I simply couldn't fathom that DS and I didn't get to vote. That DIL, alone, determined the outcome and that compromise wasn't a factor. It took me years to get that she didn't care what it cost him. I couldn't imagine how she could profess to love him and perpetuate such a totally unnecessary and lethal holocaust. At the same time, it was impossible for me to see that I was doing the same thing. That's where I stayed stuck. What I finally got was that DIL had won the "war" before I knew there was one and that the only option that had ever been available to me was to keep my precious memories, give my expectations a decent buried and let go. That's how my love for him eventually manifested and part of me died in the process. Sending love...

[Pen]

Thanks for your responses, everyone.

Luise, that's right where I am - I'm done thinking that something I can do, say or change about myself will fix this. I know that's not the case. My heart breaks for DH & DDD who also love this man but who do not deserve this treatment any more than I do. Last night I visualized myself giving DS the ultimate gift - freedom from obligation and ties to his FOO. I pictured myself letting go of a bird & watching it fly away. It does irk me that DIL may view this as "winning." I'll work on letting that go as well.

It will be even more difficult now to listen to my friends talk of family get-togethers or wonderful visits with their AC. My next task is to work on jealousy (I've never quite conquered that one.) Oh man, am I sad. Big hole in heart.

[pam1]

I'm so sorry Pen.  I would plan something fabulous for you and DH to celebrate, both of you deserve it.

BTW, who did DIL say that too? 

[luise.volta]

I have never looked up the definition of jealousy. My guess is it's the same thing. Wanting to have what others have is probably not wanting it to be how it is. It's probably another name for the whole victim, injustice, poor me continuum. You are doing fine, Pen. You're doing better than fine. You've given it your all...plus...and you've been honest. There's no way over or under or around it...only through.

[Pen]

Pam, DIL told me about DS's alleged stress due to FOO - or "FOO-stress," lol. She told DS about my refusing to talk to her (which was not true.) He told me in an attempt to straighten out a seating arrangement misunderstanding. He really looked sad about being in the middle - I think that's actually where his stress lies.

Luise, you're right - the only way is through, ironically like giving birth.

[Didi.lost]

Dear Pen

So Sorry you are going through this terrible time. 
That's some DIL.  Wish things could be different and better for you.
Sounds like it is what it is alright.

Big ((HUGS)) and love to you.  We are with you when you need us.

[NewMama]

Pen, sorry things went that way. You, your DH and DDD deserve better.

When you posted what DIL said about DS being stressed out, that he was in the middle was the first thing that popped into my head. She seems too self absorbed to get that she's contributing to that big time.

I know previously you've mentioned that you felt that speaking up would lead to a bigger estrangement. I was wondering if you'd considered speaking up now - not in a confrontational or angry sort of way, but more of an assertive "we don't deserve to be treated like that." You've gone above and beyond trying to be accommodating, so to me it would just set a boundary. Despite you trying to be the mature adult here, their behaviour is still leading you down the road to estrangement.

[Elise]

Dear Pen,

My heart just sank reading your words and picturing you sitting outside in the dark afterwards. Louise's words are so true yet so hard to digest.  I was hoping things went differently. Keeping you in my thoughts through your dark nights of the soul. Many hugs to you.

[Monroe]

Pen - first, my complete sympathies.  You have given them enough rope.  I think they have hung themselves. 

So many MILs here (self included) bend over backwards to avoid putting DS in the middle.  We recognize that the marital relationship is primary, but we do not understand why some DILs don't even want us to get second place -- rather they seek to totally destroy the relationship their husband has with his FOO.  Cut from the herd.

Of course, DILs can't accomplish this without their husbands going along with it.   If the husbands/DS's stand up to their wives/DILs, those DILs would not have the power to destroy the relationship with the DS's parents 

This is my great disappointment with your son.  DIL may be self-centered, immature, you-name-it. . . . However, your DS should stand up to her and not allow his parents to be treated as you have been.  Your DS is GOING ALONG WITH THIS.   Shame on him.  Not so much shame on the DIL -- she's been a lost cause for a long time.  You know better than to expect any courtesy or decent behavior from her.  But your expectations for your son have understandably been higher.  You raised him to know and behave better than he is doing.  He needs to man up and not allow his admirable devotion to his wife to destroy his relationship with his FOO. 

You've tried lowering expectations/ accepting second, third, fourth-class status / being understanding, patient, open, forgiving, etc.  Need I go on?  Maybe you have enabled him to treat you poorly, out of your fear of losing him if you stand up to him. 

I know that in general, the consensus on this board is to not discuss issues with the adult sons.  To accept behaviors one doesn't like - to lower expectations until there is no disappointment.   And, most of the time, I have to agree with the wisdom of that position.   

Not saying what you should do, but I feel that if I were in your position, I would do one of two things - -

1.  Have a session with DS.  DH and I would have him come over, alone, and we would talk with him about how HIS behavior disappoints and hurts us.  We would leave DIL out of it.  We would simply focus on the things HE does that disappoint and hurt us and his siblings.  Not that we want to be possessive or intrusive or that we don't recognize the priority of his marriage, just that one can be devoted to his wife and still be a loving (hey, I'd settle for polite at this point) adult son at the same time.   Those roles are not mutually exclusive.  I can be smart and a red-head at the same time.  I can be freckled and sleepy at the same time.  I can be a good wife and a loving daughter at the same time.  These things are NOT mutually exclusive.  He can be a good husband and a loving son AT THE SAME TIME.   I am an adult, my son is an adult, I expect adult behavior out of him.  THis would not be a conversation about my DILs faults - it would be about my son's responsibility to have respect for us, to do his part to maintain the family bonds, and to stand up for his FOO. 

OR . . . .

2.  I would take the monkey off my back and put it completely on DS' back.  I wouldn't call.  I wouldn't write.  I wouldn't text.  I would quit taking all the responsibility for the relationship.  I would quit settling for crumbs.  I would let him eventually realize that he misses us - that he needs to take responsibility for and put effort into maintaining the relationship. 

Pen, it seems that you have taken the middle ground for so long that it is only hurting you.  I hate to see you hurt. 

Best wishes. 

[jdtm]

Pen - you're birthday celebration reminds me of a Christmas celebration almost a decade ago.  Our (now ex) DIL treated us in a similar fashion and our DS also blamed us and did not stand up for us.  We were accused of things we did not say, did not do, ere did not even think.  Knowing what I know now - it would have been better if we backed off, way off and let nature take its course - similarly to what Monroe said

"2.  I would take the monkey off my back and put it completely on DS' back.  I wouldn't call.  I wouldn't write.  I wouldn't text.  I would quit taking all the responsibility for the relationship.  I would quit settling for crumbs.  I would let him eventually realize that he misses us - that he needs to take responsibility for and put effort into maintaining the relationship.

Eventually, our son had to face the truth about his wife; after all, we were not in the picture any more (someone else had to take the blame).  I don't know what the "straw was which broke the camel's back", but it took less than one year.  She actually left our son and her two children.  I think this quote of yours describes what happened with us and eventually, he made a stand.

He really looked sad about being in the middle - I think that's actually where his stress lies.

It has now been several years; the hurt is still faint but gradually fading away. 

It was not fair and we did not deserve the cruelty we endured.  Neither do you ...  so sorry ....

[Pen]

Your support and advice are already helping me feel less impotent and alone. Thank you, all of you.

As much as I ache for a session face-to-face w/just DS, I think staying away is the best course for me. First of all, I doubt we could get him here alone. Second, things would get too emotional on my end right now. I'm finally feeling like I need a break after years of being terrified of losing contact, so it's a good time to take one. Usually a break wouldn't have much impact since we don't see him very often, but with the holidays approaching he'll take notice if we don't call or text to plan something.

I just remembered that a month or so ago DS enthusiastically offered to drive an elderly friend of ours (close, like family) around his town to visit some of the older man's boyhood haunts next month. When I brought it up again yesterday, DS looked like a deer in the headlights. DIL was very dismissive and gave DS "the look." So now this is impacting not only our immediate family, but our extended family as well. Yup, I'm done.

[luise.volta]

My take...you're on the road to healing. Sending more love...