It never ends....only seems to get worse

[Miss Understood]

Hi all. Been a while since I posted. I have been silent and trying to just read and move on with my life...even without my DS in it.
Well...2 and a half years later...My bad situation went to worse to devastating to the unimaginable.
From the estrangement of my DS, DIL and GD to my ex and his family ostracizing me, to My entire family, extended family, parents, brother, sister, nieces, nephews, etc. FOR? I don't know. When secret gatherings started happening and lies about the family getting together with my DS, DIL and GD and my parents started to lie about not even having any communication with him and then me finding out on Facebook they are...I stood up for myself and said I didn't appreciate the lies. My parents do not like to be wrong about anything and I believe jumped on the bandwagon with DS and DIL to alienate me more. I did nothing to other family members and it appeared they drank the koolaide and stopped all communication with me...Including my nieces and nephews (however at holidays and birthdays, they cashed my gift checks with out any acknowledgement to me) My oldest daughter has been playing their game and going to the gettogethers and lying to me and out of fear of losing my other GD to which I do see often...I keep forgiving her and telling her I understand the pressure she is under. (I AM LYING....I AM HEARTBROKEN) But I shut up. A few months back my youngest daughter confronted my parents about how hurt she was they don't invite her and she was extremely close to her brother (My DS who is not only giving me the silent treatment he is my husband and his younger sister and step brothers) My parents went off on my youngest daughter and now she is totally excluded from the family too.
Why I am writing today: Recently I celebrated and landmark birthday and took my two DD's on a trip with me and the very next week my mother celebrated a birthday and the whole family excluding me and my youngest daughter was invited and pictured surfaced on FB. I confronted my oldest daughter who blatantly lied to me and said she wasn't there until one was posted with her and to top it off....I had the GD for the weekend who is old enough to blab and she told me the truth (3rd time I found out about these events from her) What does she think I am??? STUPID?
I feel I have no respect and out of fear of losing my other GD (because she knows how hurt I am over DS) I am held in a manipulative hold of reject, cruel behavior and now a group of all backbiting people who encourage my two children that this is tolerable and normal behavior to treat their own mother. My parents hatred and anger towards me has poisoned our family and I am so tired of this treatment. I want to voice to my ODD that I don't think this is acceptable treatment and if she continues to treat me this way, it is going to ruin our relationship. However....I am scared that she will immediately attack me by holding back my GD...just to gain control.
My YDD is so upset by this she is developing trust issues and has bottled up hurt and resentment that HAS affected the thought of ever getting past this with her siblings. I don't blame her, though I encourage her to be the better person....she is now angry at her sister. My DS's anger and my parents anger towards me (for unknown reasons) has really put deep wedges in this family.
I realize through therapy for over two years I cannot control this, their actions and have done everything I could to reach out and do my part to communicate and extend the olive branch....I cannot do anything else. I just have had enough...
The question: I don't know how to NOT be loving. I have always sent cards (stopped the presents after one for GD was never picked up at the P.O. and returned unclaimed) but cards, even to DIL....I get nothing....30 months now. Not even for my milestone birthday, not even when I had a stroke. My DS has a birthday next week. I am advised by friends and therapist to NOT send another anything anymore. However...I struggle with that because I have always said, "Just because someone else treats me inappropriately, it doesn't mean I have to do the same in return". I guess I just send because I send for me...that hopes that someday, even if I am gone...He will remember that his mom never did give up on him, even through his poor behavior.
I am interested in your thoughts.....There is NO right or wrong way to handle this situation....I just am curious on how you would handle this.

[Doe]

I am advised by friends and therapist to NOT send another anything anymore. However...I struggle with that because I have always said, "Just because someone else treats me inappropriately, it doesn't mean I have to do the same in return".

If sending the gifts/cards made you happy, then I'd say continue it.  If it doesn't, maybe it's time to try something else. 

[luise.volta]

Hi, MU, My take is it will take as long as it does for you to give yourself peace. It isn't going to come from them when it does. It took me a long, long, looooooooog time to get to where I saw that in ignoring my DS's requests (as well as some of the others involved) I was dishonoring him them. I was the pot calling the kettle black. Simple but, again, not easy to see and reverse. My "yeah buts" had a life of their own.

Beyond that, I'd caution you to be careful. Involving your GD in a dialogue about it, however "innocently", is letting her down as a role model. Triangulation is a form of manipulation. If she raises the subject...pass on it. Tell her you are working though it and it has nothing to do with your relationship with her. Then change the subject as many times as you need to. As far as FB goes, if it brings you anguish, it's also your job not to go there. Learning to be your own best-friend-forever takes some unlearning and relearning. No longer being at the effect of gossip and the behavior of others is the first step. Howeve...you are going to find that being your own BFF is the one source you have of unconditional love, once you connect with it.

Are you still driving that fabulous convertible? Sending love...

[Miss Understood]

Hi Luise...I am still driving my beautiful car! My happy mobile as I call it.
About the pot calling the kettle black thing...I get that.
I don't like being forced to NOT being a mom to my son and NOT sending a card for a holiday or birthday to him, DIL and GD. The rejection from not getting acknowledged does bother me...however, I do it because that is me and MY love is unconditional.
The mixed feelings of NOT sending one next week is because my small circle of support says to NOT send him anything else since he doesn't acknowledge me anyway. That to me sounds like stooping to his bad behavior...but then again...it could be giving him what he wants which is not contacting him,
I guess that is what he wants...I don't know....he isn't speaking to me
Anyway.... I was curious from other's how they handle this: When do they stop reaching out or stop sending a greeting card or do they continue even if they get no response.
WHAT matters??? Do I do what makes me feel better or do I do nothing and then feel worse? I don't know if it matters either way... I just think that Me, as the person that I am...I have a hard time NOT sending, just because I always have good intensions and I think to myself that if I just shut off... then it puts me into his category which I don't think is right. He is punishing me because he can't deal with controlling his feelings and facing an issue...If I don't send him a card, is it like I am punishing him for being a "bad son" for the moment? I don't think it is my right to punish anyone....Therefore, I am torn.

[constantmargaret]

I don't know what that point is for you, but for me it came when I was told in no uncertain terms for the second time to stop contacting him. He has a birthday coming up next week too. And I will not be sending anything because I am honoring his wishes to be left alone by me. 

I'm not withholding, punishing him, giving him the silent treatment or the cold shoulder, nor am I stooping to his level. I'm simply giving him what he asked for. He can consider that his birthday gift. Despite how it sounds, I am showing him respect. Until he tells me otherwise, I will continue to honor his wish. To do otherwise would make me feel bad. I am not one to force myself or unwanted attention and gifts on anyone, son or not.

I suspect that we don't get the same gratification from gift giving, so my words may not be what you want to hear. I would not get any pleasure from giving my son a gift right now while he is so hostile toward me. I have so many other people in my life I would rather give to. People who actually reciprocate my love.

[luise.volta]

Or you could be "punished" for sending a card. I hope you will elect to take back your power and let it all go.

[Miss Understood]

I actually made the decision to do nothing. Write a letter and put in a shoe box for my own giving and that's it. I thought hard today. He hasn't spoke to me, not one word. I can't read his mind and don't know what the problem is... However the way he is treating me is really not deserved and I feel that if I keep acknowledging him gives him permission that it is ok. It's not. There is so much more to this story.... It's just so sad because he is missing out on true loving people in his life because his pride and apparent lies. I have so much pain because I cannot resolve this.... No matter how much I tried. That is the truth, I really did try. I appreciate the thoughts. I let him know I love him... If he can't remember that... Not much I can do about it

[luise.volta]

Not being able to resolve it is a truth. It's a fact. It's reality. It's how it is. He set it up and he can resolve it any time he wants to, MU. And he knows you love him. He isn't going to change unless he decides to. The ball isn't in your court, dear one. All of your suffering and unwillingness to have it be how it is, isn't hurting him. He isn't doing it to you, you're doing it to yourself by not getting it and moving on. I'm in your corner but I don't find you there.

[Miss Understood]

I am getting there. I only have a few bad days now and then...It's mostly when the rest of my family tries to make a point that HE is in their life and I AM OUT of all of theirs. It's a little cruel game the play and yes...it hurts for a few days, I analyze and contemplate what is wrong with me that I am the OUTED one...then I come to my senses and see the truth. I just have always kept on doing the right thing by acknoweldging him and DIL, GD and even my family...No More. I am worth more and it really isn't o.k. to treat me so badly.
I am still working really hard. You would be proud of me Louise. I just felt the need for some reassurance today.

[Begonia]

Regarding your title: It never ends...only seems to get worse.  What part is getting worse?  I think that is how I felt for a long time because of the expectations I had about family.  It seemed to be worse because I was always stepping into the cage where the lions were.  For me that included FB postings, which I have said numerous times that I believe have been the undoing of so many relationships. 

It took me a long time to realize that just because my DS and DD were not contacting me, planning things with me, calling me, that they had it in for me or didn't love me.  I think most of it, in my case, has to do with my life being more 'empty' than DS, DD, & dear sis. My life is peaceful by design. Still, I used to feel left out and that used to really devastate me. My DS, DD and D sis are so frantically busy that they cannot even find time to tie their shoes.  I do believe that when they get done with their 10 hour days the last thing they want on their schedule is to chit chat with me.  I get it now, but it took a lot of lowering my expectations.

And I agree MU, that regardless of the situation, we deserve to be treated with respect.  But I used to think that meant that when I called they would return my call; when I texted they would answer; when I posted on FB they would comment.  I don't step into any of those lion cages anymore and the disengagement, although painful, has allowed me to live my days with a lot more peace.  Hope you can find your balance.  Posting here really helps for the centering and Luise always seems to know the right direction to point us.   

[luise.volta]

We're here, MU. We listen and we care and it's great news that you are creating more and more good days. You're in the diver's seat regarding how you feel and react. One thing that helped me...was the saying "What you think of me is none of my business." As long we make it our business, we're sitting ducks." Sending more love...

[Miss Understood]

To Begonia: My story is not the "I'm too busy" it is the DIL didn't like DS and me being close, they were married and baby out of high school, they had issues, I helped them $$ and with everything else...I took baby to park while babysitting...then got a cut off, no explanation. They joined forces with my toxic, lying parents who have a lot of hurt and scape goat me with their anger...just because it gave them power to hurt me in punishment. Lies started to circulate from my parents, my DS and DIL and then it spread to the family. I wish it was as simple as they were busy.
I just stood steady and apologized for any wrong doing and still...even out of the picture...I hear stories of craziness that are all made up just to keep everyone away from me. It's really sad...because when my YDD went to see her brother...he had his friends ambush her so he could escape. It devestated her...That is one of the main reasons that I said, "NO MORE!" She is an innocent sweet girl and was extremely close to DS. He is not the DS we knew. He is like a stranger. Miss the GD, but barely remember her anymore. When I get my other GC...I feel bad that DS's DD is missing out on so much. 
I finally gave the 2.5 years of gifts away....Cleaned house last weekend. It actually felt good.

[Miss Understood]

Thank you Luise   

[Pen]

(((Hugs))) to you, MU. I'm proud of you for letting go of all those gifts. Give of yourself to those who appreciate it.

[Miss Understood]

That was tough getting rid of the gifts. I kept thinking that maybe one day they would stop by and I would have something for GD....Who was I kidding???
I'm actually doing pretty good today. Making choices and sticking to them and not compromising my morals for someone elses bad behavior is where I need to stay.
Doesn't take the hurt away about missing them....however finally facing the truth that nothing I am going to do is going to change what My DS is doing until my DS wants to make that change.
I get it. Thanks for letting me come back in and vent for support. It really helped.