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Glitch in my progress

Started by Pen, October 01, 2012, 09:51:44 AM

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Pen

Two steps forward, one step back -

DS just told me I was too wimpy & insecure. I'd called to ask for input on an upcoming family celebration, hoping that as adults we could discuss possibilities and come to a consensus that worked for all. He & DIL want me to plan it; if it's something they don't want to do, they won't. So, I guess I get one shot to get it right...if I blow it, we lose out (small family, not much of a celebration w/o everyone there.)

I thought I was being thoughtful and accomodating - they see it differently. The writing is on the wall, but I don't want to accept it today. It's obvious that we're not worthy & they aren't interested in us, but we've not been officially cut off since DS still feels obligated to pretend we're a family. Darn...just when I thought I was making good progress :(   
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

Oh Pen, Big Hugs.  That had to hurt.  I'm so sorry.  I can't believe he said that.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

NewMama

Oh my, I'm sorry he said something so hurtful. Hugs to you.

Doe

Pen - one can't see clearly when one's head is up one's um.. um.. well you know.  And I do feel that your son is in that position.  Pity.

luise.volta

Progress for me always comes in increments. You are doing great. Perfection isn't part of it. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Smilesback@u

Pen, not wimpy and insecure - smart, considerate, thoughtful, caring, resourceful, communicative, respectful sounds more like it to me.  I believe that most people who want to help plan a get together need to consider what everyone else might want to see happen.  Such a cop-out to not help with the planning and then get to sit back and judge whether it is worth doing or not?  I would call FOUL on this one and not plan a stitch without input.  Not a stitch!  Hang in there!  sending you another point of view, hugs too  :)   

Pooh

Oh Pen, how awful for him to make you feel that way.  Head up chick-a-dee.  He does not define you!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Tiskit

October 01, 2012, 02:41:59 PM #7 Last Edit: October 01, 2012, 03:11:18 PM by luise.volta
Here are my off-the-wall thoughts.  I have to say kudos to your DM for trying to keep the family together.  She probably thought last Thanksgiving was progress and decided, "well let's try it again."  Although not surprised, it continually amazes me what AC can do and say.  "Wimpy and insecure", seriously!?  I would discuss this matter with your DM and let her know while you love her for what she is trying to do, let her know that your relationship with your DS is still quite chilly.  I personally have a hard time involving another party (your DM) in the situation, but then I am just bull-headed enough to go to Thanksgiving prove to the other party I am not wimpy and insecure.  Be so super nice, engaging and always smiling...it will probably upset him. Don't walk around with head down. 

constantmargaret

So your options are 1. ask what everyone wants to do and you're an insecure wimp. or 2. plan it all yourself and get it wrong and have them say, no thanks, that's not something we want to do.  or 3. buy a crystal ball and hope you can read his mind and figure out what would be not too hot, not too cold, but juuuuust right.

Could it be that he doesn't want a part in planning because he's already planning to decline? Know what I mean?  How do you decline an event you helped plan? His involvement would leave him no exit strategy.

Ugh. Makes one feel like bashing one's head. (me bashing his....that is)

That, or option 4, call and cancel all plans due to lack of interest. Have dinner without them and be thankful you don't have to wait on them and possibly get that all wrong too. I can hear it a year from now..... The turkey was dry. The gravy was lumpy. And she used pre-made pie crust!

Sorry you are dealing with such craziness.




Monroe

Quote from: constantmargaret on October 01, 2012, 04:07:55 PM

Ugh. Makes one feel like bashing one's head. (me bashing his....that is)


ConstantMargaret - - I think I love you  :D

Probably everyone else here does too!  :-* :-* :-*

elsieshaye

If you're in charge of planning without inputs, (and I agree that he's setting things up so he'll be able to decline more easily), I'd plan a fabulous cruise or a trip away with your hubby, and give yourself a bit of peace.  If you are going to get criticized no matter what you do, might as well do what might give you some joy, KWIM?  Sorry, Pen.  I know this is not how you want things.  Like Luise said, it's not a matter of perfection.  And, sometimes, it's just going to hurt.  (((Pen)))
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Pen

Thanks, everyone. I was beginning to feel like I fell down the rabbit hole, lol.

To be more specific, the event is a bday celebration for DH (DS's dad) who DS loves & appreciates; due to distances & time involved, logistics become an issue and our choices are limited, so I did the best I could putting together an activity & buying tix for something I thought everyone (especially DH) would like. However, I still needed to find an appropriate place for dinner in a town quite a distance from me that I'm not very familiar with but DS & DIL are...after my first suggestion was met with a "meh" from DS, I asked for his help. That's when I got all wimpy and insecure, according to DS.

I had invited both DS & DIL at the same time w/ identical texts to both, as I always do. DS answered positively almost immediately but I never heard from DIL... DS later responded that both of them would be there.

Yes, it hurts. I wish DH & I could take off alone, but DDD loves to celebrate our birthdays. It would break her heart to exclude DS & DIL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Scoop

I saw this in a totally different way.

To me, your DS was showing you what his life is really like.  It seems to me that in order to survive life with his DW and her family, you have to be TOUGH.  That common courtesy is considered "wimpy".  And honestly, it explains why you haven't gotten as much 'face time' with them.  You've been courteous and DS's IL's have been forceful.

I think in this case, you can certainly put some force behind a second request... i.e. "DS, since common courtesy didn't work with you, let's try "forceful and confident" ... YOU and DIL know this town better than I do, so pick a restaurant for us to go to, to celebrate Dad's birthday.  I don't want to spend more than $28 per plate.  I expect an answer by the end of today.  Thanks.  Mom."


Pen

Scoop, you're right. DS's MIL rules the roost; she demands, others follow. His FIL controls via money. Neither DH or I operate this way, nor do we have the kind of money that can control anyone.

When I told DS to pick a restaurant, he chose the "meh" restaurant I first suggested ("The first one's fine, I don't want to discuss this anymore") - which tells me he really doesn't want to put any effort into this. DS loves his dad; he appreciates everything his dad has done to give him a great start in adult life, so I don't understand his apathy regarding this birthday.

DH deserves the best birthday ever. He doesn't deserve being treated as a painful obligation. I wish I'd planned differently.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

PatiencePlease

Don't give DS's callous words any headspace.  Fill your head with ways to celebrate DH's birthday. 

So very sorry you had to hear such hurtful words...... :(