Trying to stop doing the same old dancesteps

[PatiencePlease]

I continue to struggle with my relationship with my outofstate son.  He's depressed alot.  He's always broke.  He's always surrounded in drama.  All because of his own doing.

For years, we have tried to get him help.  He did go to counseling briefly once or twice two years ago.  I am simply torn up about it.  As a mother, I understand the need to push them out of the nest so they grow their own wings. (my daughter did just fine)  But on the other hand, I worry sick about him knowing I can't change a thing.

Forgive me, but I dread when the phone rings and it's him.  I immediately think "What is it now?"  I don't want to pick it up.

Today he called.  Lamented about his lack of money.  I didn't bite the bait.  Just questioned him about his paycheck amount which he claims to be low which I don't understand.  He then stated he's thinking about getting rid of his health insurance so he has more cash.  At that point I told him I didn't want to hear or know about these decisions.  I don't agree with them and I find them upsetting.  I then said goodbye and hung up.

So the escalation continued via text.  And it didn't end on a good note (does it ever?) - he ended it by saying "this is where I'm leaving the conversation, have a great day."

I did not offer to loan him any money. We loaned him a lot in last couple of months because he had been in a car accident. 

I'm tapped out about this.  I'm worried.  And I'm disappointed in myself for feeling both of those things. I still have not managed detachment from him yet -- he's 24 and on his own!!  This relationship is not a healthy one and it has lingered on for too long like this.

Sorry this reads like another pity party.  I'm just done.  Thanks for letting me vent.

[Rabbit22]

I, too, have struggled with issues regarding a DS – slightly younger – and can related to your feelings of helplessness and frustration.  I don't know if THAT ever gets any easier; perhaps with time.  What may help in dealing with your son, or any child, is you, as the authority figure/parent, not stepping in to "rescue" him but empowering him...so when he tells you about dropping your insurance to save $, you simply have to say something along the lines of, "You are an intelligent adult, I know you will ask the right questions and do the necessary research to find out if that decision is the wise one  and you will make the right choice for you."  (if you want to engage him, you can always add, "You know family members are always good avenues for feedback").  Stay strong.

[PatiencePlease]

Thank you Rabbit.  Unfortunately, I can't honestly say to him that I trust he'll make the right decision because he doesn't make rational decisions.  He rushes too fast, reacts and then laments that he did the wrong thing.  From day one when he moved out family members offered him advice but he never seeks it out.  He has the capacity to be an intelligent adult, but he chooes to be careless instead.

[luise.volta]

I think I would respond..."Oh, good! You have a great day, too. :-)"

We can't stop caring. Stepping back never offers that option and we wouldn't want to go there, anyhow. We do stop using the word "loan" when we know it is no such thing. We stop enabling when we finally realize it is not loving. It's counterproductive and damaging. Sending love...

[jdtm]

I did not offer to loan him any money.

Judge Judy says that money given to close family is considered a gift; if you get repayment, then consider yourself lucky and surprised.  I believe Luise said the same thing - using different but wiser words.  Oh - and have a great day!

[luise.volta]

I was referring to your remark: "We loaned him a lot in last couple of months..." It didn't sound like it was anything you expected to have returned. If I was incorrect in my interpretation...please accept my apology.

[PatiencePlease]

No Luise, we are not expecting to be repaid, although we're not calling it a gift either.  We figure we'll have to tally up the number owed and subtract it from whatever inheritance he'll get.  lol  No apology needed.

I've been lamenting my issues with him for several years now in one form or another.  I'm just tired and tapped out, knowing I could safely vent here.  So thanks for your thoughts and your ever-listening ears.  It means more than you could know.

[luise.volta]

Thanks. I love it that we have created a safe space here. Everyone contributes to it. 

[Doe]

Hey PP-

Maybe when he says things like his insurance plans you could just acknowledge him and move off the topic.   Instead of advice or solutions, just let him know you heard him and move on.

A g'mother told me once that the way she handled her AC was to say "Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?"  I had to train myself to shut up if the answer is "just listen".   I also have found that the less I give advice, the less invested I feel in the outcome.  If I don't give advice to AC then I don't have to be upset when they don't take it.

[luise.volta]

With my eldest son, if I said, "Good morning"...he said, "I didn't ask for your unsolicited advice!" LOL!

[Doe]

 

[Begonia]

I have certainly seen lots of news stories about AC who are in their 20s and are not at all able to hold things together.  Frequently they move back home which causes a whole other set of problems. I know some parents who have AC who are 30 and the parents still pay for lots of stuff, including insurance, etc.  Like you say, where does it end then?  I remember when both my kids were struggling to stand up on their own,,,,gads it was so hard to imagine they were doing without, etc.  My son told me he was homeless and hung up the phone.  Oh I was a wreck, drove around looking for him asking around, frantic. Then I found out he was living with a friend in another town, probably eating pizza and drinking beer while I was getting grey hair!!!   What I learned from that is that both my AC can be very dramatic but they don't tell me all of the story.  Sending strength to you, it sounds like you have had a great deal of patience already.  Keep posting, this is a good support network.