Am I getting this right? You don't want to spend time with me -- is that it?

[luise.volta]

My take, (today): Sitting here looking back at being a parent, grandparent and great grand parent...with a great granddaughter in college that might soon make me great...great grandparent...I see that Val and I are pretty much ignored even though he participated in their lives all the way though and I pretty much went my own way. By and large, they don't look back. They are engrossed in their own very active present and their plans for the future. I felt obligated toward my parents because it was the norm, I suppose. I'm not sure I had a sense of choice in the culture of the times. Remember, I was born in the 1920s and my parents in the 1800s! When my own nest was empty, I was admittedly more interested in my present and future than I was in the my past.

Personalities have a lot to do with it when we step out of the mold. My surviving son is 57 years old and when he completes a new Web design, he still sends it to me, proudly..."Look Mom, no hands!" It not an expectation of mine...I don't even know what he's working on, it's just how he is. He has recently moved back here from Hawaii but is an hour away. Yesterday, he called to let me know he was up here on business and wanted to have lunch with me before he headed back. We had fun. I didn't feel any obligation at play. (And he's not that good an actor.) There are so many angles to this.  I don't feel lacking or incomplete without him around...so he just doesn't get that message. I think all of us are still growing up and any sense of lack is better served by looking within instead of outside of ourselves.

[Pen]

No... I think that for the most part, the young do not particularly want to spend time with the old.  They find us boring, stuffy, holding on to silly outdated stupid ideas and nothing we have to say or add is really worth much consideration.   Remember being young?  Remember how it felt when our parents or grandparents made statements or had ideas we found to be "old fashioned".   We listened politely but it went in one ear and out the other.  We perhaps rolled our eyes behind their backs?  I admit to being a young know it  all.  I've learned however, in retrospect that my parents and grandparents were not as dumb as I thought them to be.  AND now that I am on the receiving end, it's not a nice place to be.  Karma bites.... and it will for them someday.

Luise, I agree that it depends on the personality of the young person. When I was young I loved hanging out with my Ps and GPs when the family got together. They were all smart, creative, well-informed, definitely not stuffy or old-fashioned. We had great discussions about everything from politics to gourmet food and everything in between. I learned a lot, loved hearing stories about the past & their opinions about current events. In fact, my 90 year old Dad is sharp as a tack & I still enjoy hearing his stories, book reviews and opinions.

My DS said fairly recently that DH & I were two of the smartest, most well-informed people he knew...so it's odd to be treated dismissively. In my case I do think DIL's dislike of us is a factor. Oh well, moving on!

[luise.volta]

And therein lies healing...knowing when to move on, P.

[pam1]

No... I think that for the most part, the young do not particularly want to spend time with the old.  They find us boring, stuffy, holding on to silly outdated stupid ideas and nothing we have to say or add is really worth much consideration.   Remember being young?  Remember how it felt when our parents or grandparents made statements or had ideas we found to be "old fashioned".   We listened politely but it went in one ear and out the other.  We perhaps rolled our eyes behind their backs?  I admit to being a young know it  all.  I've learned however, in retrospect that my parents and grandparents were not as dumb as I thought them to be.  AND now that I am on the receiving end, it's not a nice place to be.  Karma bites.... and it will for them someday.

Luise, I agree that it depends on the personality of the young person.

I agree, but I also think that it depends on the personalities of all involved, regardless of age.  Most people are drawn to pleasant experiences, but what one person finds pleasant another may not. Doesn't make anyone right or wrong, to me, it comes down to compatibility more than anything else.  JMHO

[luise.volta]

Yes, I can see that, Pam. Good point. Kirk and I have never had to try to see where the other was coming from. I don't think I notice that and appreciate it enough. We both probably take it for granted. He has told my his friends think he's weird when he says something about looking forward to seeing me. 

[Lillycache]

It all boils down to that old buggaboo we are always talking about.  Expectations.  We all would like to be close to our adult children and their spouses and have wonderful visits and fun talks and a laugh a minute... all warm and fuzzy sitting around a roaring fire..  Yeah.. right.    I agree.  It boils down to personalities and temprament.  Who knows how the young view us.   Do they still remember us as parents and perhaps disciplinarians?  Do they harbor resentment for being punished or grounded.  Do they hate us because we spanked them when they were 6, or didn't let them borrow the car when they were 16.... or told them to get back in the house and wash off that makeup?   See... their friends don't involve those memories.  At one point in their lives we held power over them. We were the bosses.  Does that make it harder for them to relate to us as peers and adults.  Does that make it harder for US to relate to them as peers and adults.

[luise.volta]

Ah, yes, L. Thanks. And can we have it be the way it is because that's the way it is? Sending love...

[foofoo]

OP, I get what you are saying, but I find it a little weird that you would expect your son to get a babysitter so that you and he could go out for dinner without your grandchildren.  I get the fact that you don't want to be a babysitter and that is entirely within your right.  But, expecting your son to hire a babysitter to hang out with his mother, probably crossed his boundaries cause just as you don't have an obligation to babysit.  You also are overstepping by telling him to arrange childcare for his kids cause you don't want to deal with them at dinner, which is basically what you are saying and honestly, it's a little offensive.

I can't imagine what I would think if my mom said, get a sitter for the kids cause we all want to go out dinner and we don't want to be burdened by your children and I say that despite the fact that my mom watches my kids a ton.  But, if we go out to dinner as a family, the kids come with us.  We don't leave them with a sitter and it doesn't matter where we go to dinner either.  The only time the kids don't go with us is if we are having couple time or hanging out with friends at a comedy club or somewhere else not child appropriate.  But, I don't go to places with my parents that I can't take my kids.

So, as much as you are focusing on the fact that they don't want to spend time with you.  I think you are missing the point that you are basically saying that you don't want to spend time with their children, which is equally offensive.  Now, I could be completely wrong and it could be that they just want a babysitter and don't like you, but my guess is that you were not very tactful in setting your boundaries.

[Smilesback@u]

Oh my, thanks everyone for sharing.  I simply do not want to babysit when the GD are sleeping.  Monroe got me.  Thanks everybody, I call it all good with this issue and believe I am done -- I appreciate your ideas, each and every one esp food for thought. 

[luise.volta]

Thanks, Smiles. I am locking this thread since you are feeling complete with it.

FF - I want to also caution that when we state our opinions as facts, to me it can come across as too harsh and very subjective. Many of us here are still too fragile to be approached that way. Since this is my Website, it's my job to maintain our comfort level as much as possible. Thanks for understanding.