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What would ya'll do?

Started by dirtyglassgrl, May 06, 2010, 07:46:42 PM

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Postscript

Quote from: bettylou on May 07, 2010, 03:43:30 PM
Oh please put your self aside for one minute.  What is there to think about?  You married this man you married his family!  You need to stop worrying about yourself for a minute and do what your husband is asking you to do.  How would you like it if your husband wanted to treat your parents like dirt and "think about" letting you see them.  That is a terrible attitude, your husband must resent you so much for the treatment of his family!  Do you control all the people in his life or just the ones that brought him up?  They are parents and they want to be grandparents.  Ofcourse your kids do not want to see them, you have put it in their head weather you realized it or not that they are not good enough and that they do not deserve respect or love, be careful when you show your own young family how to cut people off and use children to hurt others.  Be careful my dear one day that boy will have a wife who may not be pleased with things you do and say and you will be on the other side of the coin!  It is mother's day and you are worried about how to stay in control of hubby and his family?  Please think about each question I posed to you, really reflect on what I am saying to you, and then try to answer each one.  I want to know how you justify your feelings and actions with regards your husbands parents.  How can you not feel sad that you say your child is so young they have no clue who their grandparents are?  How can you not feel sad about that?  Children deserve love, think that over on "your day".

Bettylou I think you may have missed that DGG's dh doesn't want the Stepmother involved either.  The dilemma here is an abusive stepmil who controls Fil.

Talk about your harsh prejudgments!

RedRose



DGG said stepmom doesn't want anything to do with the kids.
[/quote]

MAYBE, that has changed since they were cut off? Isn't it worth discussing and trying to be a family again?

Postscript

RR given that it's the StepMil who doesn't want them around, I'm thinking it would be up to her to take the right steps.  All DGG is saying is that she isn't prepared to pretend nothing ever happened or watch her kids and dh suffer at the hands of StepMil.

At this point DGG's dh is wanting to have a relationship with his father and for his father to have a relationship with his gc.  At first I think he has to approach his father, then his father needs to decide whether he is willing to forgo a relationship with his son and gc or to talk with his wife and try to work something out.

Depending on what happens from there, DGG has to decide how involved she wants to be.

1Glitterati

Quote from: RedRose on May 07, 2010, 07:13:20 PM


DGG said stepmom doesn't want anything to do with the kids.

MAYBE, that has changed since they were cut off? Isn't it worth discussing and trying to be a family again?
[/quote]

I am honestly not trying to be mean.  I don't get it.  If someone has treated your spouse and children just horribly in the past...why revisit the issue?  Ever?  Why would you go back for more abuse?  Abusers don't change.  They just find new victims.

RedRose

Quote from: Postscript on May 07, 2010, 07:19:02 PM
RR given that it's the StepMil who doesn't want them around, I'm thinking it would be up to her to take the right steps.  All DGG is saying is that she isn't prepared to pretend nothing ever happened or watch her kids and dh suffer at the hands of StepMil.

At this point DGG's dh is wanting to have a relationship with his father and for his father to have a relationship with his gc.  At first I think he has to approach his father, then his father needs to decide whether he is willing to forgo a relationship with his son and gc or to talk with his wife and try to work something out.

Depending on what happens from there, DGG has to decide how involved she wants to be.

Ok...Postscript...I agree with you.
Kind of what I wanted to say.

RedRose

Quote from: 1Glitterati on May 07, 2010, 07:21:53 PM
Quote from: RedRose on May 07, 2010, 07:13:20 PM


DGG said stepmom doesn't want anything to do with the kids.

MAYBE, that has changed since they were cut off? Isn't it worth discussing and trying to be a family again?

I am honestly not trying to be mean.  I don't get it.  If someone has treated your spouse and children just horribly in the past...why revisit the issue?  Ever?  Why would you go back for more abuse?  Abusers don't change.  They just find new victims.
[/quote]

Well, I am not an expert....but, I think abusers can be sorry for the things they have said or done...just like everyone else.

Postscript

The question is, will StepMil be prepared to alter the way she deals with DGG's family?

I know from being a step child, that being a stepmother isn't easy and there is always a certain inequality when dealing with ones own blood as opposed to stepchildren, no matter how long the relationship has been established.  I am interested in StepMils background.  When did she come into Dh's life and does she have any children/gc of her own? Forgive me for not remembering if it's already been posted.

I know my stepmother loves me and my children dearly and she's dead positive she treats us all equally, but it's not quite true.  It's plain to even her own ds that her dd is the light of her life and nothing any of the rest of us do will ever measure up.  My stepsister can do anything and be forgiven.  In the past few years she has put my stepmother and father through heck, taking drugs, divorce, became an unmarried welfare mother, had a child to another guy, deals in stolen goods and even sold meth from one of my parents rental properties, what makes it worse is that it is the property that was formerly our family home.  I have nothing to do with her, can't afford to as I work with the law and clearly she breaks it, moreover I hate seeing my parents used and abused so badly.  Yet my Stepmother rang me and clearly wanted me to attend stepsisters birthday.  I didn't go, I had to work.

1Glitterati

Quote from: RedRose on May 07, 2010, 07:33:39 PM
Quote from: 1Glitterati on May 07, 2010, 07:21:53 PM
Quote from: RedRose on May 07, 2010, 07:13:20 PM


DGG said stepmom doesn't want anything to do with the kids.

MAYBE, that has changed since they were cut off? Isn't it worth discussing and trying to be a family again?

I am honestly not trying to be mean.  I don't get it.  If someone has treated your spouse and children just horribly in the past...why revisit the issue?  Ever?  Why would you go back for more abuse?  Abusers don't change.  They just find new victims.

Well, I am not an expert....but, I think abusers can be sorry for the things they have said or done...just like everyone else.
[/quote]

I think they can be sorry, too.   Being sorry is nothing if there is no change in the behaviors.  And, the sad thing for people who are sorry is this...just because you're sorry doesn't mean people have to give you another chance.

I am just at a loss for those who keep going back for more hurt.  HOnestly, I don't get it.  For those who justify it by saying it's family so you have to...I really don't get that.  Family is supposed to treat you better--because they are family.  It isn't a license to be mean and expect people to take it.

RedRose

You are so right Glitter, it would be really hard to forgive the person that has abused...and if you did, you'd really be upset if it happened again.
It is probably easier not to even forgive in the first place.

But, some people, I suppose I am one of them...have a soft heart. I would give that person another chance...at least one more.

Postscript

This is a harsh generalization perhaps, but it has been my experience that the only thing abusers are ever sorry for, is getting caught.  By that I mean pushing their victims to the point of fighting back.

As a mother, I agree with Clover, it's all about protecting our children and frankly as far as kids go, I'd be loathe to give an abuser a second chance now.  I did with my mother, she was abusive to me as a child after her and my father split and before I went to live with my Dad.  I gave her a second chance with my kids, I was fooled into thinking she'd changed, I wouldn't allow her sole charge of my kids till ds was about 10, I watched during supervised visits and everything seemed good, I thought she'd mellowed and changed.  The minute my ds came to me saying she'd spanked him and that she shouted at him all the time, she went back to supervised only visitation and it's been that way ever since.

dirtyglassgrl

To all the people who have responded to me kindly, thank you it is much apreciated.  It is such a weird and dismal situation when part of the family is cut off from the rest, and it is hard to explain to people on the outside.  To answer those that asked, FIL does nothing with out the wife's approval which is fine she is his wife and their dy.namic is that she is head of household, hey if that is the way they like it that is fine, but it should not come at the cost of his relationship with his only son.  FIL and his wife do have a teenage daughter too, so we do not have any contact with her either she is dh's half sister, they are not close due to being so far apart in age and never living togethor.  FIL and his wife never raised my dh and they have no other grandchild at this time and probably will not for atleast ten years or more.  Hope that clears up any of the questions you all had.  In the past as far as the cut off goes it was all or nothing, either all of us work it out with all of them or no one has contact, so my tension and confusion comes from how to proceed with those rules enforced on us.  My dh would be happy to have nothing to do with Fil's wife, but sadly they are package and will not accept an olive branch unless it is for everyone.  I do not know that I can do this!  It is really really asking alot of me and my kids, to have her in our home or even meet for coffee. I hope that cleared up any confusion and can help you all to help me, because we need it at my house right now~ thank you

Postscript

DGG I understand where you are coming from, in this case the only reason you are even wavering is because your dh is so sad about the situation.

dirtyglassgrl

Bettylou, I do not like to engage people who seem to be angry about things that I doubt have very much to do with me but I will say a few things this time.  I am sorry you are struggling right now, while I am a DIL I am not your DIL, you should not take my situation and my words and relate any of it to your hurts.  This is about my family.  I have never had any cross words with any of ya'll on this site before and I do hope to keep it that way.  I accept that I am tense and nervous right now and after looking through your last post about mothers day I see that you are as well, so I did not take too much of what you said to heart, but please reread what you posted on this thread and think about who you are truely upset with, I do not think it is me and I won't take it personally.  I hope you feel better soon and if my posts make you feel worse then please just go ahead and skip them.  Thank you!

1Glitterati

Quote from: dirtyglassgrl on May 07, 2010, 08:30:42 PM
To all the people who have responded to me kindly, thank you it is much apreciated.  It is such a weird and dismal situation when part of the family is cut off from the rest, and it is hard to explain to people on the outside.  To answer those that asked, FIL does nothing with out the wife's approval which is fine she is his wife and their dy.namic is that she is head of household, hey if that is the way they like it that is fine, but it should not come at the cost of his relationship with his only son.  FIL and his wife do have a teenage daughter too, so we do not have any contact with her either she is dh's half sister, they are not close due to being so far apart in age and never living togethor.  FIL and his wife never raised my dh and they have no other grandchild at this time and probably will not for atleast ten years or more.  Hope that clears up any of the questions you all had.  In the past as far as the cut off goes it was all or nothing, either all of us work it out with all of them or no one has contact, so my tension and confusion comes from how to proceed with those rules enforced on us.  My dh would be happy to have nothing to do with Fil's wife, but sadly they are package and will not accept an olive branch unless it is for everyone.  I do not know that I can do this!  It is really really asking alot of me and my kids, to have her in our home or even meet for coffee. I hope that cleared up any confusion and can help you all to help me, because we need it at my house right now~ thank you


DGG...I get why your fil would cleave to his wife...and I get why you don't want to extend an olive branch to the woman.  If you can...good for you...and please be cautious.  I couldn't/wouldn't do it.

I get why your dh is hurt.  For the life of me...unless the kids are the proverbial bad seed, drug addicts, thieves, pedo's, etc...I cannot fathom picking someone over your kids.  And, yet...in my job I see it every day.

willingtohelp

For my husband and I, we asked ourselves what was better for the kids.  MIL and FIL are leaches.  The kids would be expected to provide praise and affection to fill some bottomless void that they have.  That's not my kid's job.  To be honest, my kid doesn't have a job and she's not an antidepressant.  And in our state, you need a prior relationship to sue for visitation.  So when we learned we were pregnant, we discussed if it was worth trying again and decided the risk of establishing a relationship was too great, that the information we've heard from other family members leads us to believe MIL and FIL are still emotional leaches, and that relationship would not be good for our daughter.

Likewise for your family, I'd say do this.  Look at what's best for the kids.  Do you have reason to believe that FIL and SMIL have changed?  Do you think the relationship will be harmful to your kids?  Once you've weighed these, then you can make a decision.  Perhaps you could start with DH visiting SMIL and FIL.  And from these interactions, I bet you'll get a good idea of whether or not you should try again.