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Righteous anger

Started by Smilesback@u, September 20, 2012, 05:15:24 PM

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Smilesback@u

Hi everybody, I have been living in denial.  Yes, the land where I don't make the necessary changes in my behavior that are needed.  When I live in denial, I also make excuses for my sons' behaviors.  This is the proverbial drunkard's dream, where they do not even have to speak as I will defend them as I try to make it right in my head.  HA! With WWU, I have been recovering, starting to become stronger by facing my reality and although it has been difficult, I am out of denial now.  As a result, I am not feeling so sad, depressed, angry, hurt, rejected, and living out my issues of always trying to make it right when it is wrong for me (Of course, St Johns Wort has kicked in now too and helps :)  Do I sound crazy?  I was but not anymore!!!  So my head is on straight now.  I understand that being a 60 year old parent / GP does not mean that I have to accept poor behavior from any of my sons.  This month I have dealt with all 6 sons in what I would consider as a reasonable way to speak my truth, without judgment or blame, it is what it is (It used to be called Mommy's On The Warpath when they were little!) about how I want to be treated, basically.  Well, I just got off the phone with the sixth son, and having given him his comeuppance.  My truth is that when I am mistreated and I begin to point out that I do not want to be treated like an idiot, spoken to in a disrespectful way, or blamed for somebody else's problem,  I am met with their anger and finger pointing at ME, to not be so sensitive, to listen to myself getting mad over their unpaid bills, like What is MY problem?  So I was ready, oh baby, I was ready for that!  I said, with firmness and in no uncertain tone, that this will not be turned around on me, as if it is my problem.  No, my son is expected to figure out what he will do to be responsible and let me know.  This is about what HE will do to make it right.  So There!!!  (Needless to say, he hung up on me before I could finish saying *I am going to go now*).  I am so proud of myself, I stood up for myself, and put the responsibility back on the shoulders of my son.  Just like I have done with the other sons.  I gotta tell you --- it felt good, real good.  Now I am so tempted to call my sons back and make nice...but I will not let myself slip back into the land of denial.  They are going to face their feelings and figure them out.  In the mean time, they are expected to treat me with respect or just plain leave me alone until they can.  I refuse to make life easier for them anymore or make excuses for them.  They will be responsible for how they feel, think and live, and treat me with respect not matter what.  AND they will take the consequences when they do not do that.  Yes, righteous anger.  And you know what?  I just got a call from said son while he is at the bank making good on those checks he mailed.  Just let me say, I will not lose my self-respect again because if I allow myself to be treated poorly, I have no one to blame but myself.  I know they can choose to not talk to me again or see me again but that is out of my control.  If they choose to do that, then I believe They Are Living in Denial, and they will be sad, depressed, angry, hurt etc., until they make the necessary changes in their behavior (just like I  had to).  Hope they grow up - geesh!  I have had enough!!  >:(   I have not heard back from 2 other sons, but you know, it does look like there is hope, doesn't it? 

Pen

Smiles, IMO you might want to give it a bit of time before calling back to "make nice." Give them a chance to do the right thing on their own without feeling like you're trying to beat them to it, if that makes sense?

Do you suppose you're feeling stronger emotionally due to building your physical strength?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Smilesback@u

Yes, the gym is helping too.  You'd think I was taking Pink Glove Boxing, but I am not, just getting stronger and it is helping me on the inside.  It is tempting so tempting to run to them and make nice, but so far, my higher self is winning on this one.   ::)

Pooh

Quote from: Smilesback@u on September 20, 2012, 05:15:24 PM
No, my son is expected to figure out what he will do to be responsible and let me know. 

Smiles you did well and now they know where you stand.  That's all you can do is set your boundaries with them and stick to them.  That's the hardest part is once you figure out that you do matter, letting the rest go.  I did see this line (above) that you wrote and wanted to ask you, why does he have to let you know what he is doing to be responsible?  Am I confusing your DS's?  Is this one living with you, owing you money, etc.?  Sorry, I'm trying to get the DS's straight and remember.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Smilesback@u

Hi Pooh, yes, a good night's sleep and I have toned it down a bit.  It is hard to be real clear on who is who as I have 6 and trying to be anonymous here.  I don't have a son living with me btw, he is carcamping this summer.  Don't have any idea what his future is going to be when it turns cold, but willing to help him get settled again into an apartment.  I do have a son who we co-signed on car/home loans and he is finishing college this year.  He needed to defer on 4 payments and to get caught up he wrote checks on a closed account -- Again.  So I wanted him to handle it.  I was so grateful that he did immediately go to the bank and deposited the monies into our account.  He is mad, because I got mad.  I think I have a right to get mad.  I sent an email saying hope he can understand how I think and feel as it is different from him.  I might have been over the top with him? 

Scoop

Smiles!  That sounds awesome.  Did you read "The Dance of Anger"  because it sounds like you're reacting appropriately to your feelings of anger, not under- nor over- reacting.  Doesn't it feel GOOD?

Good for you!

Scoop

Doe

sb@u-
You got my day off to a good start!  You are such a sweet, wonderful soul and seeing you with boxing gloves on just makes me smile.     I love being able to watch your transformation!  Go for it!


Footloose

Smiles. YOU GO!  First step in your recovery completed!
I am a bit worried about the comment about "our" bank account"  Dump him off any of your finances and have him get his own acct.  If he cannot because of his bad check history, introduce him to money orders and check cashing places.  They were made for folks just like him.

...and NO you are not over the top and you should not call and back pedal or apologize.  i dunno how old these men are but I assrume they are way past legal age.  CUT the apron strings?!

You should be preparing for your retirement now.  You may never have them to provide for you so please be careful to take care of YOU.

Hugs dear sister and keep up the great start!  You deserve PEACE!

Smilesback@u

I really do think I am transforming and hope to live long and strong and have better relationships with sons.  I just read this online got inspired *the only things holding us back are our self-imposed limits or our beliefs about our own capabilities.*  I want to believe I do matter, (esp need to for my health). I need to explain that DS deposited what he owes directly into my personal account.  I just bought The Dance of Anger finally --thanks FL.  Yes, all sons are 25+ and they do not live on our apron strings.  We are there for them when they move through their transitions (i.e., college, jobs, unemployed, homeless) although not always offering money but mostly problem solving and moral support that they can figure this out.  We do have family get-togethers with 4 regularly who live within driving range.  The other 2 are out of state, with one married with 2 kids.  It is weird not seeing or doing as much with them and I miss them.  It is hard getting used to that -- probably for all of us. So glad you all are here -- and buffering my parenting choices with sound advice.  Love you for that!!!!