Author Topic: Re: Spinning our wheels - Split Topic  (Read 1444 times)

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Offline Footloose

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Re: Spinning our wheels - Split Topic
« on: September 19, 2012, 06:36:45 AM »
It seems that my DS has created a bit of a trend in my FOO.  Cutting ff is the trend of the year with my FOO.  Domino effect?!  Looks like it! Relationships between my sisters and brother towards my mom have suffered.  We had a tough childhood to a mother who has serious emotional/ anger issues and Major Depression.  My sisters keep bringing up the past and have a lot of resentment towards her.  I lost mine a long time ago and accept her for who she is, warts and all.

I treat my mom with respect and include her in my life as much as my patience will allow and so far she has been doing great! I simply and politely turn the conversation away from her negative remarks that often include what she doesn't have from her other children or in her life.  I acknowledge her hurt and disappointment and then move on with happier subjects.  She seems to follow this lead well.  I will end a visit or a call if she gets loud and ugly.  i politely say, "you are hurting my ears and I cannot stand the negativity.  Call me tomorrow or when you are feeling better and we can chat."  This is the new normal for us and it is so much better!  i actually include her more now than ever because she can let go and have a bit of fun.

At my suggestion, over 10 yrs ago, we started a Mommy Fund.  My mom spends like crazy due to her entitlement issues.  She has had multi bankruptcies but will still accept the high interest "gotcha" credit that she can beg to get.  The fund is for her extra living expenses, funeral traxel and for her funeral.  She does not know the fund exists and we must keep it that way else she'll bleed it dry.   

Our latest blow was over mom's need for dentures.  2/4 of the contributors were very angry about the cost of $2500 for a full 2 yrs and temp/ perm dentures. They wanted her to get the teeth pulled and then we could decide together what to do.  They have nothing to do w/ my mom and I am the one who must help her get to appts and other stuff.  The dental place is over an hour away and she got a package deal to get it all done in the 1st visit.  She was in pain and if temp dentures are not placed right away, the gums can atrophy.  I was not able to discuss with one sis and had to leave a message with the info.  She was furious that we did not get her permission b4 the procedure.   

So they have now cut off future contributions and it has caused quite a stink.  One sis, sent me a nasty-gram text that said ........and congratulations, you have managed to cut yet another person out of your life.  WOW!  talk about hitting a gal while she is down with DS issues!

I am learning each day and each day becomes a lot easier for me.  I have given myself permission to not be the peacemaker.  it is well beyond my reach to fix this broken family.   i must focus on my and my husband first.  These adults can take the rest on themselves.  i am done trying.  i will not be attending sister functions over the holidays and that is fine by me.  I will surround myself with good people, to include perfect strangers and enjoy my life.     

I try and get along and make peace for everyone and it ends up hurting me in the long run.  I have stopped being the peacemaker too.  As far as the fund is concerned, it will be nobody's 401K retirement plan!  I have access to the account as well as one of my sisters and her husband.  We plan on spending every penny on mom before she leaves us.  We keep detailed receipts and accounting in case one of the sibs wants to try a law suit.

It's just another disappointment where my family does not do the right thing.  We agreed we would take turns for driving mom to appts so that it would not be on just one's shoulder but the others cannot be bothered.  I am out of the driver coordinator role too.  I told my mom to let me know what is needed.  If I can take time away, i will just do it.  If not, she will have to get another to help.

So the Holidays are up in the air for now and that is just fine by me.  We are so busy now with combining households and getting under one roof, that I will think about holiday plans in Oct.  If I have any energy left, I'll have something small at the house and invite friends.  We will begin a new tradition just for us and exclude the rest! 

No more spinning!
« Last Edit: September 20, 2012, 08:15:15 AM by pam1 »

Offline Monroe

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Re: Re: Spinning our wheels
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2012, 09:37:58 AM »

I treat my mom with respect and include her in my life as much as my patience will allow   .  .  .  .

At my suggestion, over 10 yrs ago, we started a Mommy Fund.  My mom spends like crazy due to her entitlement issues.  She has had multi bankruptcies but will still accept the high interest "gotcha" credit that she can beg to get.  The fund is for her extra living expenses, funeral traxel and for her funeral.  She does not know the fund exists and we must keep it that way else she'll bleed it dry.   

Our latest blow was over mom's need for dentures.  2/4 of the contributors were very angry about the cost of $2500 for a full 2 yrs and temp/ perm dentures. They wanted her to get the teeth pulled and then we could decide together what to do.  They have nothing to do w/ my mom and I am the one who must help her get to appts and other stuff.  The dental place is over an hour away and she got a package deal to get it all done in the 1st visit.  She was in pain and if temp dentures are not placed right away, the gums can atrophy.  I was not able to discuss with one sis and had to leave a message with the info.  She was furious that we did not get her permission b4 the procedure.  . . . 

So they have now cut off future contributions and it has caused quite a stink.  One sis, sent me a nasty-gram text that said ........and congratulations, you have managed to cut yet another person out of your life.  WOW!  talk about hitting a gal while she is down with DS issues! . . . .

I have given myself permission to not be the peacemaker.  .  .  .  .  i am done trying. .  .  .    I will surround myself with good people, to include perfect strangers and enjoy my life.     

I try and get along and make peace for everyone and it ends up hurting me in the long run.  I have stopped being the peacemaker too.  . . . . .  We agreed we would take turns for driving mom to appts so that it would not be on just one's shoulder but the others cannot be bothered.  I am out of the driver coordinator role too.  I told my mom to let me know what is needed.  If I can take time away, i will just do it.  If not, she will have to get another to help.  .  .   .   .

No more spinning!

Footloose - my sympathies.  You turn yourself inside out caring for a mom who refuses to be responsible.  I can understand your siblings' frustrations, as your mom seems to be a bottomless pit of neediness, but I am sorry you seem to bear the full burden. 

Surely your son knows of this burden you bear -- and he tells you (on another thread) - that after spending $10,000 on his wedding and more $$$ on baby items, that "you need to step it up" in terms of helping him and his family more?   Good for you for saying NO to him.  HE is the one that sired four children.  Not you.  He and his wife need to take care of them, and not expect routine support from anyone else - especially not someone who is bearing a heavy burden of elder care.   

I daresay you need to provide for your own retirement, as it does not seem you will get support from this son, nor will there be any inheritance from your mother.  I know you are not looking for that, but do make sure that you don't spend so much $$$ on others that you jeopardize your own security in your golden years - which can't be THAT many years away. 


Offline Footloose

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Re: Re: Spinning our wheels
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2012, 09:56:27 AM »
Thanks Monroe! My golden years are far off but I am very well prepared as I just turned 49.  The homes r paid off and we have zero debt thanks to responsible spending.  I never minded spending on others as I am a giver and have it to give. Not rich or anything close but def know how to spend and save well. Yes mom is a bottomless pit, LOL! Thanks for your well wishes! I need it!

Hugs

Offline Monroe

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Re: Re: Spinning our wheels
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2012, 07:55:47 PM »

It's just another disappointment where my family does not do the right thing.  We agreed we would take turns for driving mom to appts so that it would not be on just one's shoulder but the others cannot be bothered.  I am out of the driver coordinator role too.  I told my mom to let me know what is needed.  If I can take time away, i will just do it.  If not, she will have to get another to help.

No more spinning!

Footloose - I have been pondering this comment of yours - - I know this is not an elder care site - but I too have been the driver coordinator for my mother who no longer drives.   No problems with the other siblings - they help when they can, but careers and not being in the same city make it impossible for them to do much in this regard.  And getting her to Dr. appointments, etc., is important.  There's no scorekeeping with me and the siblings - that's not the point.   But I find that since I am the "always available"  "failsafe"  "Monroe will do it" person she turns to for errands, chores, etc., that I get taken for granted.  Not by my siblings, but by HER.  Bad moods are taken out on me.  Conversation is near-constant complaints.  First I tried sympathy, then I tried to ignore the negativity, but it gets to me.  I try to gently chide her, and she resents "being lectured" as she calls it.  (Well, if she wasn't always complaining and being negative, there would be nothing for me to lecture her about.)  So I'm ready to quit being the driver coordinator.  My mental health won't take it any more.  I get stressed from having to deal with her negativity, then I come home and have to try very hard not to take it out on my poor husband, who doesn't deserve it.  How did you succeed in getting out of that role?   HELP . . . . . . .

Offline Footloose

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Re: Re: Spinning our wheels
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2012, 07:51:09 AM »
I try and help her understand needs vs wants but it is hard.  I remind her that there is always public transportation.  We live in the burbs so this is convenient and safe for her during the day to local events.  She has gotten friendly with others at her home that still drive.  She is very resourceful when she has to be:)   

I was open and honest with her about her negativity and told her that I could not be around it.  I let my actions prove it and she has learned I mean business.  She often tells me not to talk with her like a business associate or like a child.  I tell her that is the only tone I can take and be civil as she really can light my fuse. I put it right back on her behavior and attitude but refuse to let her get me to the burst point.  I must limit time with her as it seems anything over a 12 hr mark is dangerous to my sanity and freedom.  I often say that she could never live with me as i'd have o kill her and put us all out of our misery (jail vs freedom) .  She will then say," i should just croak  then no one will have to bother with me!"  i remind her that only the good die young, you will surely outlive us all!  Yup, I joke to make a point and clear tension.
 
She had mentioned to me several times that she knows what it is like to be cut off by her only living son (my twin).  I let it go until she said it again and I was at a low point.  She is the type that always has a bigger problem.  if i say something is troubling me, she will show how she has it worse.

I said, Mom, I understand how hard it is to be excluded and to be discarded.  When we are together, I want you to be glad I am still here for you and to count your blessings for all you do have.  I said while the result of estrangement is the same, we arrived here by different means.  I told her the truth about our view of the childhood in our dysfunctional family.  I told her that her son excludes her and her daughters cannot overcome the many abusive memories ( I call them the greatest hits) because she is still hard to be around.  I told her that the resentment was real and warranted as my bro, especially, was the target child and got beatings almost daily for acting out at school, etc.... He needed more than you gave him.  All he wanted was to matter.  For your to be present in his successes, show up to a game, attend his Navy SeaBees graduation, etc.....Protect him from his abusive older brother who always seemed to be the apple of your eye, even tho he was seriously broken and was a predator his whole life. Every visit is about booking the next and we are not even finished with what is going on today,  I take her to breakfast and before I can pay the check, she says something like, "your husband owes me a lobster dinner for helping you with laundry, etc....."  Anyway, I told her that if I had 6 kids in 12 years, I would have eaten at least one and that I forgave her a long time ago and the past is in the past but let's not pretend it was all roses? She will then start to cry and apologize by blaming it on my dad.....

Anyway, Monroe, I do think that this is about where we good moms are today.  Many of us came from not rosy pasts and wanted to do a better job.  We did but the pendulum swung so far in the opposite direction, we ended up doing too much and not setting any boundaries for ourselves!  I know this is true in my case.

I am going to get her today as I am off the rest of the week.  Movers are coming on Saturday to get the big stuff.  She asks to help all the time but I usually do not take her up on it as it can be more trouble than its worth.

P.s we will probably treat her to a fine dinner as thanks anyway.  I just hate it when she asks for stuff all the time. 

"Oh, take me on vacation, I'd love to go on another cruise, I want, I want, I want....."  I told her yes, I'd actually like to take my first cruise with my husband, alone.....She has already given me at least 5 ideas for Christmas gifts for her.      Grrrrrrrr!

Deep cleansing breath!  Just breathe!?  Hugs, sister! <3 

Offline pam1

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Re: Spinning our wheels - Split/New Topic
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2012, 08:16:33 AM »
Hi gals, I moved some posts over into their own thread to give everyone a chance to comment without derailing the previous thread.  Thanks!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Monroe

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Re: Spinning our wheels - Split Topic
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2012, 08:29:59 AM »
Footloose - thank so much for your sage advice.  I am printing out your post, and will keep it handy to guide me.  I actually had a wonderful childhood - so I am now dealing with a woman I never knew before.  The loving, patient, kind woman who raised me doesn't seem to be there now.  So I am sad and frustrated all at once. 

You, however, are a saint.  I do what I do, out of love for the kind, cheerful mom who raised me - even if I can't find her today.  You do it for a woman who was NOT there for you.  My hat is off to you.  Saint Footloose!

Pam - Sorry for hijacking the thread - I plead guilty.  It's just that what Footloose wrote so spoke to my elder care frustrations.     

Offline pam1

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Re: Spinning our wheels - Split Topic
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2012, 08:36:02 AM »
Hey Monroe, no need for sorry's.  That's what I'm here for :)  It gives both threads the space they deserve, no worries.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Footloose

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Re: Spinning our wheels - Split Topic
« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2012, 08:27:57 AM »
My bad, Pam:)  Thanks for keeping us on topic!  I feel for you and yu do not deserve any ill treatment from your mom or others.  U have a right to remove yourself from toxic situations.  Be open with your mom and refuse to take it.  Either you will be a part or she will learn to treat u better!  Hugs!  p.s.  not a saint for sure with my filthy language at times,  LOL!!  just doing the right thing in my own way but need prayers too cuz mostly a sinner by other people's standards.....just ask my sisters!  LOL!.