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Teenager daughter diagnosed with moods swings moving out against our wishes

Started by frustrated, September 19, 2012, 04:58:44 AM

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frustrated

Not sure what to do - 18 year old moving out of home, has just been diagnosed with mood swings and will not listen to anyone.

She has no money, and now no car because she would not put money towards it, now has no phone because she would not pay her bills and is now asking us for help to move out.

Don't know what to do

elsieshaye

Frustrated, I'm sorry you're going through this.  As scary as it may be, she's legally an adult for most decision-making purposes in most jurisdictions, and there's nothing you can do to prevent it.  You can, however, put some plans in place about where your boundaries are in terms of under what circumstances you'll help her with money, or let her move back in, etc., and what your expectations are for her behavior while in your home.  I had to ask my 18 year old son to move out because of drug use, and the worry is significant.  He has landed on his feet for the most part, but it's hard to watch.

Please forgive me if you've been a member for a while and I'm adding this part in error, but please take a look at our "Open Me First" section.  The posts there are helpful for getting to know how the community works.  (Not because there's anything wrong with your post - we ask all new posters to read and get familiar with that section.)
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Pooh

Welcome frustrated.  Sorry you had to find us, but glad you did.  We had the same thing happen with SD this past spring.  She wanted everyone to do what she wanted to do but when it came to us putting it back on her to make the effort, it was all "woe is me, no one will help me."  It was a hard decision to not help her, but one DH and I made together.  Our offers of help were not what she expected and she declined and moved out, two weeks before graduation.  Hardest thing we had to do was let her go.

I think with the history you gave of her not paying her bills, I would be hard pressed to give her any money to help unless you can give it as a "gift" and not expect it back.  I would also set some boundaries for yourself on what you will do when she comes back and wants another gift.  Make it clear up front, as Elsieshaye said of what you will or will not do.  "This is a one time gift.  You are expected to work, pay your own bills and not ask for more."
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

frustrated

Thank you for your replies.

I am sure this is all happening to make me stronger, but at the moment, I just can't see that.

I have tried to help my daughter by offering to help her, but she is becoming very demanding when she doesn't get the answers she wants.  She wants what she wants and does not want to compromise.

Yes, she needs to move out to learn, yes its not the way I planned, but I hope it turns out for her in a positive way.

I guess its good to know that there is someone out there listening.

Doe

Hi Frustrated-

Aren't mood swings sort of normal with teenagers?  I know that my son and I both had a variety of moods when we lived under the same roof.  Both my adults sons and I reached a point where  it was time to move out.  I have to say, that I sleep better with them out of the house.   If they were out late, I would worry.    Living on their own, they could be in all sorts of danger but I don't know about it so I just go to sleep.

Hang in there - it may not be how you planned but it may be how she's envisioned it for herself.  At some point, you can only watch what your children do and hope for the best!

Smilesback@u

dear frustrated, I went through similar crushing move-outs.  I cannot say mistakes with longlasting effects didn't happen.  It was not good, there are regrets, but you cannot change the past.  I am sure there is no one who looks back and says, *Boy, I sure am glad I didn't graduate from h.s.* What you can do is set limits on what you will do.  There are going to be resentments about your boundaries.  YOu may want to think about damage control by putting yourself in her shoes.  What does she have going for her?  What are the steps she should take to get where she obviously is going.  You could get very practical with her in an accepting way that this is something inevitable that she will do, either be prepared or go impulsively.   Someone with mood swings has a difficult time with planning ahead.  You can help her plan -- a budget to live is needed.  You are a very good resource for her now to think these things through as someone who cares very much about her.  What community resources are available to help her live independently?  She may not realize what she needs now, but you can imagine, and have those phone numbers written in a Go To book for her to take.  The library has internet for instance.    There are ToGo phones that are prepaid that  you may be willing to help her with until she gets settled.  Sometimes being on their side protects them from making very serious long lasting mistakes (getting pregnant, taking drugs, getting raped etc).  I would figure out what you are willing to spend on her decision to move out.  Is there a close family friend she can live with, who will offer positive guidance, a buffer between total rebellion and moving on?   Hope you can sort it out soon to help her.  It is awfully hard to not get caught up in no compromises.  good luck