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I know it's MY problem.

Started by Lillycache, June 12, 2013, 08:23:39 AM

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Pooh

That is so true Lilly!  I'll never understand it either.  I do believe, in my case, it is simply a matter of my DIL was used to being the center of attention in her family.  Their lives rotated around her life.  Even her own brother takes a back seat to her wishes.  Her entire family, including GPs, uncles/aunts, etc. always gave her all the attention.  I think when it came to our family, no one is in the spotlight.  Everyone is treated equally and on those occasions where she wanted everyone to bend to her wishes constantly, everyone didn't.

So I think she comes by it honestly.  Her Mother/Family still treats her that way.  Who would you rather spend time with if you were brought up that way?  The family where you are just like everyone else, or the family where you are first fiddle?  I think OS is just collateral damage in the grand scheme of things.  Not that he couldn't stand up and change it, but he lives with her and has to not only deal with her wishes but the wishes of her Mother as well.  He's not going to rock the boat because as long as they're happy, his world is peaceful.

Again, just my personal situation.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

PoppyMillie

I think that Pooh has a good point. I think that if you have a similar 'place' in your husband's family as your own, it works out better.

I have often addressed the issue of why my MIL didn't like me. The reasons didn't make sense- 'she is too quiet', 'she doesn't talk much', etc. Really didn't make such sense when you compared it to the things that she did to me- stopped our wedding, tried to ran over my little dog, wished my mother dead when she got cancer etc).

In my family I am the 'quiet one'. I am usually the first to help out in the kitchen, with cleaning up etc, help handing out cups of tea/cake etc. I am not unfriendly, I am usually brightly smile and wave at people, but then go about my tasks. My sister on the other hand is the 'social butterfly'. She works the room chatting to everyone.  When I am with his family, it is expected that I socialize with everyone, be loud etc. It is just not me. I hate being the centre of attention. It can sometimes come accross as cold and distance. I think that if she had given me the chance to talk one-on-one with her, and didn't speak over me. She may have liked me after all, as we had many things in common. Thank god, I am no longer with her son.

luise.volta

P - Thanks for sharing that. We are all so different and when 'how we are' is negated...it's just plain prejudice. 'Different' is suspect because if we are not a carbon copy of our critics...they aren't validated. Sick stuff...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Beth 2011

Hi LC,

I have to comment on the subject because it all rings so true.  I had to come to terms with the fact that it was not because it was just me (personally) that if it was not me, it could have been another MIL of the man she married. We are his FOO and therefore we are the enemy.  Plain and simple, yet the hardest to accept.  If DS had intervened earlier maybe things would not have reached this point of no contact.  But I look back at her relationship w/her DM and there is really not one except what DS encouraged.  DIL is not close to her FOO either.  DS is obviously in agreement with everything she says.  The last time my DH spoke w/DS, DS sounded like a parrot.  He wanted to argue with DH until DH asked for some of the money he owes us.  Well, we won't have to worry about hearing him trying to argue anytime soon.  He blow that hot air back in her direction where it belongs.  LC, Karma is something else.  I have seen it too many times.  Be positive, and continue to be strong and think about that it may not be you at all.  It sounds like if it had not been you, it would have been someone else, it would have been the MIL of whom ever DIL married.   

Pooh

I agree.  My first MIL was horrible to me, but honestly, I don't think it was me personally either.  It would have been anyone that married her precious-to-good-for-anyone DS. :)

Good news....21 years later....he was just tooooo precious for me!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell