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Question about DIL changing her name..

Started by isitme?, May 06, 2010, 06:31:43 AM

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luise.volta

I don't really care one way or the other.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

willingtohelp

I kept my maiden name.  My ILs know this.  They have never said anything to me, but they never address anything to me with the correct name or title.  But there have been plenty of other occasions where they have complained to me.  And at first I tried to accomodate, or to JADE.  Then I realized that it didn't matter what I did.  If they weren't getting their way, then they weren't happy and no amount of apologies or explanations or concessions were going to change it.  So I stopped.  And it's amazing what you learn to just tune out.  And I learned that "No, thank you" is a complete sentence. 


Postscript

Wow Clover that's kind of passive aggressive of them.  It seems you have a good solution that kind of aligns with my walk away theory. 

Scoop

Mominwaiting - No worries!

My initial comment was definitely on the cheeky side (you say immature, I say cheeky).  But rest assured that it was in consideration of how impossible it is to have a rational conversation with people who think nothing of yelling at another adult for 40 minutes.

Scoop

PS - maybe that's how it's conjugated:

*I* am cheeky
*You* are immature
*They* are jerks

isitme?

May 07, 2010, 06:40:52 AM #34 Last Edit: May 07, 2010, 06:59:15 AM by isitme?
Quote from: Postscript on May 06, 2010, 07:50:32 PM
Ok so these folk have a pretty warped view of communication :o

I honestly think all your husband can do it stop them cold and refuse to engage in explaining himself when they go off like this.  You teach people how to treat you.  Clearly these are unreasonable people and they won't consider any course but their own.  I don't engage unreasonable people, there comes a point where you realize that no matter what you say they are going to stick to their view. 

Yes, I think they do..  I've noticed a lot of "secondary" communication in this family... mom tells brother to call other brother and tell him that she is upset with DIL... Dad gets on phone to tell son that mom is mad - etc. etc.

I agree with the idea that you have to try not to engage with people who are unreasonable.  DH and I had a discussion last night and he said I should just defer all comments about it to him and let him handle it.  I think he wants to spare me from the unpleasantness.  However, I think HE is uncomfortable with the idea of shutting down the discussion with his parents when they bring it up (i.e. hanging up the phone, leaving the house if they bring it up, as someone suggested).  He feels they have a right to express their opinion and he should hear them out, even if he doesn't agree or go along with it.   While I agree that parents SHOULD be allowed to express their opinion (all family members should) and deserve to be heard, I do NOT agree that this holds across the board.  If someone cannot be respectful, or accept someone's different opinion, or becomes verbally abusive etc. etc..  I think that changes things.  It should also not be a topic that should be brought up again and again and again until the other person caves..

This is really a shame.  I was getting to the point where I was comfortable talking to the in-laws, but now I feel that same kind of dread about them that I used to.

Scoop

Aroo?  I think that his parents *have* expressed their opinion.  What is the purpose of them expressing it, again and again, in a rude, infantilizing way, other than to be bullies?

Seriously, get your DH to answer that.

I'm trying to think of any other situation where it's okay to express your continued disapproval of something another adult is doing, that isn't breaking a law or hurting anyone.


Pen

Uuhh...when my DIL criticizes, in various combinations, where I live, what I do, my financial status, who my friends are, what I wear, how I do my nails & hair, how I cook, how I raised my children, how I decorate my house, my housekeeping skills, what car I drive, our traditions, etc. every time we see her?

DILs can be brutal towards MILs at times - it hurts us too, you know. The only difference is, and I know I'm repeating myself here, we put up with it to see DS. DILs can pull the "cut-off card" and walk away without losing a child.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Scoop

Pen, we're talking about the same kind of people here.  The title doesn't matter when people are rotten.

I do get your point though, about DIL having the power.  It's true.  And it's not fair. 

I'm always preaching to change the way you look at things.  I'd like to show you an example.  My SisIL (married to my brother) is in the running with yours and Anna's DILs.  Luckily, my Mom (the heart of our family) is VERY easy going.  My Dad and myself, not so much.  So we have clashed with my SIL in the past, with my Mom and brother mediating.  Although, at one point my Mom did tell my Dad that if his behaviour caused SIL to cut them off, she was leaving him.  So my Dad and I tried to look at it a different way.  We made it a game.  Because we knew that SIL disliked us as much as we disliked her.  To us, being polite and eating her cruddy words, meant that she had no reason to cut us off, and would just force her to spend MORE time with US.  And yes, it was worth it to "take it" from her, because then we could inflict ourselves on her (and see my brother and niece and nephew).

And really, it doesn't matter what your DIL thinks of you.  From the way you've described her, I would take her disapproval as a compliment.  When an axe murderer tells you you're dysfunctional, you should do a little happy dance!

I really do feel badly for your situation Pen.
I think you need a "pat phrase" to pull out when DIL starts on you ....  "Well then, aren't you glad you ... don't have to live there? ... don't have to work there? ... don't have to look at my nails & hair every day? ...... aren't friends with my friends? ...... drive that kind of car? ... ect"  Without being rude or snotty - just stating the fact.  And then change the subject.  The best way is to ask a question, because then they have to talk, they can't just sit and *think* of more nasty things to say.

luise.volta

Here's how I spell Scoop..S-p-u-n-k!  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Is that Ms. Spunk or Mrs. ?  ;)

Scoop, thanks for your thoughts. The input we get here is so helpful. You'll be glad to know we've already decided to be sweet and kind, and you're right - there's not much one can say in response to good treatment :) I don't even feel like I'm being phony, because I really do admire my DIL; she's pretty amazing. Even though we feel hurt by her, we do accept her different values and personality. We wish she'd reciprocate, but she's not there yet :(

Here's a phrase a friend just taught me. I think she got it from a self-help book that was all the rage a couple of years ago: "Is that so.." It's going to replace my old phrase, "Good to know," which put a judgement I may or may not feel on the topic. "Is that so.." acknowledges their opinion without agreeing that it's true. And I will have some questions on hand for re-directing the conversation (as when we're dealing with students or disabled children.) Thanks again, Scoop and all!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

bettylou

It is up to the person, to each their own.  Me, I loved my maiden name and was not happy to see it go back then people did not keep their maiden names generally so it was unheard of where I lived to do so.  It is up to each woman, the man should let her do as she chooses and so should everyone else.  My dil did not take our last name and as angry as I do get with her I have to say I am glad that I am the only Mrs X and that she does not have our name. 

Postscript

Bettylou your post reminds me of after we got back from honeymoon...

We went to visit the ils and toward the end of the visit, Dh said Mrs X? (to me, it was novelty value back then) before I could answer my new standard phrase "yes Mr X?" My Mil said "Yes?"

Dh said, I was talking to my wife.

Mil simpered "oh hehe I'm used to being the Mrs X people are talking to"

Which is kind of weird because bils wife had been Mrs X also for over 2 years at the time.

luise.volta

Well, I have no concerns about what my son's wife's name is going to because they have been together for 15 years in a lifetime-committed-relationship and have never married! (That one was easy!)  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

isitme?

May 08, 2010, 06:35:02 AM #43 Last Edit: May 08, 2010, 06:41:49 AM by isitme?
"Is that so?"
"Really now"
"Good to know"

These are all great and I'm going to remember them all (maybe it's good to mix it up a little bit..)

Ladies:  thank you so much for helping me realize that I'm NOT being unreasonable about this name change and that it's not something abnormal or weird or unacceptable for me to do.  I didn't think I was - and neither did DH, but if his parents keep on pressuring me about it, it will help to remember the things all of you have said.

MIL left me a voicemail last night asking me to call her.  DH told me NOT to call and to wait until he had a chance to talk to her today and find out what was up.  Urgh.  It's quite possible that FIL has not yet passed on the news about my "bizarre" choice not to change my name and she was just calling to talk about wedding details.  But DH wants to limit my exposure to anything nasty his parents might say to me about it so he wants to scope things out first.  I appreciate his efforts to protect me (a BIG change from him throwing me to the wolves in the beginning because he didn't realize how bad things were..) but I wish we didn't have to cause this drama.  I feel like this is def. a situation where the MIL and FIL are making it hard to have a relationship - and I know many of you MILs are in a situation where it is your DIL that makes it hard....  how frustrating!

isitme?

Quote from: isitme? on May 08, 2010, 06:35:02 AM

MIL left me a voicemail last night asking me to call her.  DH told me NOT to call and to wait until he had a chance to talk to her today and find out what was up.  Urgh.  It's quite possible that FIL has not yet passed on the news about my "bizarre" choice not to change my name and she was just calling to talk about wedding details.  But DH wants to limit my exposure to anything nasty his parents might say to me about it so he wants to scope things out first.


Well!  MIL just called again and left a message and I know DH told me to wait till HE spoke to her before I called her back, but I just felt kind of rude ignoring her (and he's at work all day and I didn't want to spend the day worrying about it..in case she kept calling back)  so I just called her back....

AND!

we had a really nice long friendly chat about the wedding details and she congratulated me for the legal marriage and said welcome to the family.  Possibly FIL has not yet told her about not changing the name but I've decided that if they bring it up with me, I'll just say something about how I'm not trying to disrespect their family or reject them in any way but this is what we've decided. 

But this is what I've been thinking - and it's an idea I've gotten from some of the posts here.  I didn't listen to DH on this one.  I called and spoke to his mom before he talked to her.  I didn't wait for HIM to mediate, I did what I felt was right (largely in part from the things I've learned from you wise ladies here!).. and the results were good! 

I don't think this is something that will help any of you MILs with difficult DILs - because your son IS caught between the two and your DILs don't seem willing to put in any effort.  But I think this is an experience that is going to help me...