Question about DIL changing her name..

[isitme?]

I don't know if anyone else has any ideas, but you're going to have to nip this one in the bud, because it WILL go on for over a year, they won't be giving up without heroic measures.

Hmm... DOES anyone have any ideas?  DH's first words to me after this happened was "we need to come up with a game plan"  but I honestly don't know what to do besides stay strong, tell them DH and I have discussed this and made our decision.  DH wants me to let him deal with it so he can go through ALL the different reasons we both feel I shouldn't change my name.  He is free to do as he likes but I think this will accomplish absolutely zero. 

thoughts anyone?

[Scoop]

I think you have to "begin as you mean to go on", so you can't do the JADE-ing thing.  Do you know that one?  It stands for Justify-Argue-Defend-Explain.  You don't have to give them any reasons for your choice.  It's YOUR choice and the only person who has any input is DH, because he's your partner now.

As a first attempt, you and DH should kindly tell them that it has nothing to do with them, it's not a rejection of them, that this is the decision that you have come to and you would like to drop it now, please.

Then I think you're going to have to give them consequences, and if they bring it up, you/DH will hang up, or leave.  And you have to do it, every single time, even if there's food on a plate in front of you at a restaurant/family gathering.  You/DH should calmly say, "That is not open for discussion.  We'll be leaving now."

In fact, you should PLAN on it happening at least a few times.  So if you're going to a restaurant, have some cash to put on the table to pay for your meal, so that you don't delay your exit.  As you drive to their house / the family gathering renew your commitment to walking out if it gets brought up.  Have a code word, so that if MIL gets you alone and rags on you, you can find DH, say "blue armadilloes" and you'll both walk out, immediately.  Trust that it will get worse before it gets better.

And if it continues, then you'll have to visit them less and less.  I'm not talking cut off, I'm talking about taking a break between visits / calls.  DH can even tell them "I was very upset that you continue to bring up the fact that you want Isitme to change her name and I needed some time away from you." 

Good luck - I think you're going to need it.

[isitme?]

Thanks, scoop - sadly I think you  might be right about many things.

Yes the JADE thing was something I was thinking about and am trying to get DH to understand.  I think I might re-read my "Emotional Blackmail" book and pass it on to DH as well. 

[Marilyn]

Isitme, I know this sounds rude, but there is a huge similarity between how dogs learn and how people learn.  If you know anything about training dogs, you'll see it right away.

Just like a dog who learns that if he begs for food LONG enough, he'll get something "just to shut him up".  Your IL's have learned is that if they badger you for A WHOLE YEAR they should be able to get you to cave, because your SIL did.   Stay strong!

Also, when a new rule comes along, there's such thing as "extinction bursts", which means that just before giving up, they'll likely give one more big, HUGE push.  Stay strong!

Okay, I can be a bit of a trouble maker, so I would be SO tempted to get DH tell them that he is thinking of changing HIS name!  That would be so funny, especially if you both decided to change your names into some combination of your names (i.e. Smith/Wesson into With or Smesson).  The goal being to shock them into realizing that whenever you open negotiations and ask for "more", once the negotiations are open, you may end up with *LESS*.

I don't know if anyone else has any ideas, but you're going to have to nip this one in the bud, because it WILL go on for over a year, they won't be giving up without heroic measures.

Scoop,i might be looking at this the wrong way,but how i perceive the way you handle communication to resolve an issue is very immature.Being open and honest is the only way to have a healthy relationship.

To try and provoke a shock to teach them a lesson,is a very poor form of communication.
The purpose of this to me,is game playing,and a power play.......not communicating.
If you tell DH things like this,and how to handle it this way,this is changing his perspective of his parents.

This kind of mind set,is what cause's communication problems,creates distance and a lot of the problems we MIL"s have.

Sorry but this is my perception.

Does any one else,see it this way or is it just me?

[cremebrulee]

Hi Mominwaiting....yanno, years ago, my aunt said the same thing, she trained dogs, and was exceptional at it, however, when she referred training dogs to training people and kids, our entire family got upset with her,  however, I remember thinking about it, and thought it might be a good idea....

In this case, we must think about why are his parents acting like this, we know that people do things for not one reason but many, in this case, fist and foremost, to get they're way...but are they confrontational people looking to bring people down...to make them feel bad about themselves...

My aunt used to say, if you want a kid to listen, you never threaten with a punishment you can't go thru with, and you never go back on a punishment...and if you don't want them to do something once, you don't say no, and let them do it later...you have to continue with a consistent form of discipline, and that is what I did with my son.  By the time they're 5, they become who they're going to be for the rest of they're lives, so, it is very important to discipline early and I did...

Mominwaiting...my own maternal mother is very dysfunctional....she is confrontational and hates people...no one is any good...so, when I go to visit her, if she starts putting me down or yelling at me, I leave...I did this two or three times...I don't say a word, b/c if you start to try to reason with her....she turns it back on you and blames you, meaning you in general for the upset....and she then starts to argue worse, she gets to the point where she'd hit you...so, I thought about this and figured, ok, if she starts I'll just get up and leave...so I did this 3 times, and the 4th time I went to visit her, each time went longer before I went back, she behaved, b/c she knew if she didn't I'd leave...and it works...if she wants me there she didn't sound off....

I'm not saying yours wrong, however, we should also take into consideration that there are people who you cannot communicate with b/c they love to argue...it's all they know and these people may be the same way,no matter what you say, they'll come back with something which isn't logical and continue to argue, fight and yell....I don't know which way is best...in this case...but I do know my mother and she is a mess...it's the only way I can retain some kind of normalcy when I visit her...she is so bad, she has no friends...and I feel very sorry for her....? 

What do you think?

[Marilyn]

Creme that is very sad about your Mom,I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

When my OS and DIL got married,she kept her name,plus his.They explained why,i undestood had no problem with it,if thats what they wanted.If they wouldn't of explained,i could of made all kinds of assumptions.That could of cause doubts about DIL.I know another Mom,who has these doubts about her DIL,she was never given an explanation about it.It's getting a lot more common,and some people have still never heard of any one doing this.

[Marilyn]

Creme,i also understand some people you cant talk to,they just want to argue.There is no discussing any thing,they only see what they want.

[isitme?]

Mominwaiting, I understand your point about explaining things - it seems like you wanted to know their explanations and then when you heard them, you accepted them.  What if this is not the case?  what if your in-laws/parents refuse to consider any of your explanations - or don't even really listen to them in the first place and just keep talking over you, telling you that your are wrong/bad/not normal because you dont' do EXACTLY what they want you to do?  Should we allow it to escalate into a fight?  I'd like to avoid this.  I think the whole thing about avoiding JADE-ing (Justify, argue,defend, explain) is that you do this when dealing with UNREASONABLE people who won't listen to you or respect your opinion no matter what.  Then it just becomes a battle that no one can win.  You cannot reason with unreasonable people and unfortunatly it seems like many of us driven to this website (both MILs and DILs) are dealing with someone unreasonable...

[Marilyn]

isitme,oh believe me,do i know people like that!

Sorry,i guess i just didn't understand what Scoop was dealing with........it's a nightmare trying to talk.


Sorry scoop......

[Pen]

I'm at work and have limited time to read all the great replies, so if someone has already thought of this tactic, forgive me:

Why the *bleep* does your MIL have to know what name you'll be using? Is she likely to read professional papers or see checks or other legal docs that show your maiden name? Let her think you've seen the light and are marching in step, but keep your own name if you choose. I have no idea what name my DIL is using, since I never see anything official that has her name on it!

If DH must write a check to her from your joint account, you can always say,"Oh we didn't want to spend the money on new checks when we already had all these from before" or some vague lame excuse. If she's going to be unreasonable you're kind of forced to fudge the truth, but she's kind of asking for it.

Best wishes, again; try to focus on the joy and not the difficulties.

[isitme?]

good point pen.

Well, DH and I always knew this was going to be a point of contention.  But I guess he was hoping they wouldn't figure it out for a while...  but he called them last night after we were legally married and I guess that was the very first thing his father asked him "Did isitme change her name?"  and he couldn't think how to dodge the question so he was just honest.  Wow, if your son got married (even if it was just the legal ceremony and the actual wedding was a month away)...wouldn't you at the VERY least want to slip in a "congratulations" or something?  DH is such a wonderful man and all I want is for him to be happy.  I wish his parents could feel the same way but I don't think they know how 

[Marilyn]

isitme..........congratulations!

You would think they would say that,maybe they are waiting till the wedding.

My OS and BIL are very overbearing,narrow minded,nosy,controlling,was not happy when my niece was getting married.But they have cooled their jets,and now things are fine between them.

I would always be honest with them,if they keep pressing you for info you are not confortable with sharing.Tell them that.
My son just told me on his own about DIL keeping her name,and why.I see no big deal about it.

[Postscript]

Your game plan, in my view should be that it's not their business period end of discussion.

Isitme it really isn't their business, it's between you and your husband, he understands and that is all that really matters.  It isn't their place to yell at your husband for 40 minutes in regard to anything, would they yell at a good friend for 40 minutes? Is he deserving of any less respect or courtesy as an adult?  My son is a teen and I wouldn't yell at him for 40 minutes, I may get a little heated with him but I certainly respect the fact he is more or less and adult now and I afford him the same courtesy I would any other adult else close to me including my husband, albeit with a little more final control seeing as he is by law a minor at this stage.

It's hard to transition from the child/adult relationship with ones parents, but there comes a time that you realize your parents while close to you, do not have the right to treat you badly just because they are your parents.  As a married adult your husband has the right to say, "actually Mom and Dad, this is a decision we made together and it's none of your business" then walk away.

[isitme?]

would they yell at a good friend for 40 minutes?

You know I think they actually might be capable of doing this 

I have been hearing about how DH's cousin's wife didn't change her name and they still carp about it..  if it wasn't this, it would be something else.  I guess I'm just disappointed because we were starting to have a more friendly relationship and I was always kind of wondering how long it would last before they got mad about something else.... turns out, about 2.5 months...

[Postscript]

Ok so these folk have a pretty warped view of communication

I honestly think all your husband can do it stop them cold and refuse to engage in explaining himself when they go off like this.  You teach people how to treat you.  Clearly these are unreasonable people and they won't consider any course but their own.  I don't engage unreasonable people, there comes a point where you realize that no matter what you say they are going to stick to their view. 

Many years ago I had a problem with a co worker, she was responsible for rostering.  She rostered me for a duty I swapped with someone else (we were allowed to do that) roster lady came to me and asked to swap her duty for mine.  I explained that I had already swapped with someone else and no longer had the duty.  Roster lady went into the roster and rostered me her duty and herself mine, by then it was the day before the duty and the roster had been finalized the week before.  I was furious, I went to a team leader and explained the situation, team leader thought we should have a mediation meeting.  During the meeting I outlined to roster lady that she had in effect misused her power to get what she wanted and it was unethical, talk about a brick wall!  No way could she understand that by altering the finalized roster, inconveniencing two people to make it reflect what she wanted it to, was morally wrong for one and completely undermined our trust.  Her final words before I walked away were, I didn't realize you hated X duty so much.  And I did walk away, I told the team leader there was no point in further discussion with someone who was so morally bankrupt that they couldn't see what they had done.

Roster Lady became a victim for a while, I hated her blah blah blah, she'd tell the story and imply it was all because I hated x duty so much but people just looked at her like she was crazy.  Roster lady never messed with my duties again though.