Author Topic: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?  (Read 16889 times)

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Marilyn

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #150 on: May 06, 2010, 08:13:25 PM »
Where is your post? i would like to read it

Offline Pen

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #151 on: May 06, 2010, 10:34:49 PM »
exactly Pen, my son told me that, he was devestated...all our son's want is our approval....when we try to talk to them about our DIL's they take it as if we're bashing them...we're not, we're trying to relate to them our side of the story, however, they are so torn and placed in the middle of all this...and yes, some DIL's do make it a living bleep b/c if they're husbands, (our sons) say anything in our favor, our DIL's think, they are disloyal to them and siding with us, and visa versa...and I know that hurt, so I know my DIL was also experiencing that hurt, however, some DIL's do not...some are just so darn stubborn...not all of course...and it causes fights between them and disarry...so what would anyone do, but side with wife...I know if I were a Man, I would, (I think) depending on my age...however, if I were a man and this were going on now, at my age, I'd sit both of them down in front of me, and say, enough...I love you both...and I want this to stop...this is ridiculous...your both misunderstanding each other and it's going to stop now...

but most men, cannot do that...they fear causing any confrontation....I myself hate confrontation....

Pen, did you ever say this in front of your son and then ask him if he knows if there is anything you can do to correct this?

All I want is for DS to have the freedom/support to feel comfortable about maintaining a relationship with us. It breaks my heart when he can't talk freely when she's around. We get the best texts & calls and have the best face-to-face conversations when she's not there.

Creme, I will not talk to DS about DIL. I've never said a word. DS has said things to us about how DIL's dislike of us hurts him, but I am very vague in my response and will not take sides. The only thing I've ever said was "She's your wife and comes first now. You need to work it out with her." It was so tempting to jump in and start venting, but I managed to contain myself. If he were to tell her anything from me that might be the least little bit negative, it would eventually blow up in my face. When DS & I have a good conversation on those rare times she's not around, I just say "I really enjoy catching up with you" or something similarly supportive but vague in hopes he'll get it one of these days.

This situation hurts me heaps; DS is a funny, intelligent, well-educated guy and I seriously miss our conversations. I miss my son, but I'm never going to say anything specific about DIL or her role in our diminished contact. I'm smart enough to know it will not work out well for me.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #152 on: May 07, 2010, 04:03:55 AM »
exactly Pen, my son told me that, he was devestated...all our son's want is our approval....when we try to talk to them about our DIL's they take it as if we're bashing them...we're not, we're trying to relate to them our side of the story, however, they are so torn and placed in the middle of all this...and yes, some DIL's do make it a living bleep b/c if they're husbands, (our sons) say anything in our favor, our DIL's think, they are disloyal to them and siding with us, and visa versa...and I know that hurt, so I know my DIL was also experiencing that hurt, however, some DIL's do not...some are just so darn stubborn...not all of course...and it causes fights between them and disarry...so what would anyone do, but side with wife...I know if I were a Man, I would, (I think) depending on my age...however, if I were a man and this were going on now, at my age, I'd sit both of them down in front of me, and say, enough...I love you both...and I want this to stop...this is ridiculous...your both misunderstanding each other and it's going to stop now...

but most men, cannot do that...they fear causing any confrontation....I myself hate confrontation....

Pen, did you ever say this in front of your son and then ask him if he knows if there is anything you can do to correct this?

All I want is for DS to have the freedom/support to feel comfortable about maintaining a relationship with us. It breaks my heart when he can't talk freely when she's around. We get the best texts & calls and have the best face-to-face conversations when she's not there.

Creme, I will not talk to DS about DIL. I've never said a word. DS has said things to us about how DIL's dislike of us hurts him, but I am very vague in my response and will not take sides. The only thing I've ever said was "She's your wife and comes first now. You need to work it out with her." It was so tempting to jump in and start venting, but I managed to contain myself. If he were to tell her anything from me that might be the least little bit negative, it would eventually blow up in my face. When DS & I have a good conversation on those rare times she's not around, I just say "I really enjoy catching up with you" or something similarly supportive but vague in hopes he'll get it one of these days.

This situation hurts me heaps; DS is a funny, intelligent, well-educated guy and I seriously miss our conversations. I miss my son, but I'm never going to say anything specific about DIL or her role in our diminished contact. I'm smart enough to know it will not work out well for me.

makes me so sad....however, just wanted to say, you are wise not to talk to him...I couldn't keep my mouth shut...I wish I had...like you I was so hurt, frustrated...it is devestating and like your running around in circles with your foot nailed to the floor
Pen, I do hope someday things work out for the best, and your DIL grows up....
It is amazing what people will do out of bitterness, fear, rejection, hate, misunderstanding...It drives me literally speechless and all one can do is shake they're heads...I don't understand, the desire to hurt others?  And in your case, your son is very much aware of it...he must also be devestated...wish he could get her into counseling...?

 As most of us have, I've been hurt pretty bad in my lifetime, and I never ever wish to make someone else feel like that...it's awful Pen...

please know my thoughts and prayers are with you, and thank you for being so patient and explaining things to me...I appreciate your kindness....

cremebrulee

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #153 on: May 07, 2010, 05:58:14 AM »
Pen, you are very wise not to say anythng.  Creme, I'm like you, I wish I had kept my mouth shut.  Sometimes I want to go buy string & sew my lips shut!!  It is so hard when you are hurt & confused to know what to do.  I wish I had been wise enough to find a site like this way back when dils behaviour changed so drastically.
I fear confrontation too.  I just want everyone to get along, for everyone to just love each other.  LOL.  I know, not very realistic, but wouldn't that be great??  No conflict, ever.  We'd probably all live to be 130.    :D

LOL, yeah, I hear yah...
I don't want to live to be 130, I'd be to stubborn and couldn't accept all the new technology...LOL
Cell phones drive me nuts...really...
I can't imagine what's coming in the next 40 years?
I'd feel like a lost soul on a planet with aliens...


cremebrulee

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #154 on: May 07, 2010, 06:22:32 AM »
Me too, but I sure would like to see what future generations will experience.  I think I am going to live to 100, I don't know why I think this, but I have since I was a little girl??

well Anna, I'll save you a place at the table when I get there...
that is, if I get there? 

Offline Nana

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #155 on: May 07, 2010, 12:25:34 PM »
Anna:
What a wonderful world would it be that we all live in harmony and in peace with each other.  But then it would not be earth, it would be heaven.   But it would indeed be great.  We  deserve heaven .....and we''ll get it eventually.
I dont think I can ever get to 130. I worry to much.   I thank God if I reach 80.

Hugs and kisses

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Pen

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #156 on: May 07, 2010, 12:40:30 PM »
I used my age to get some projects done around my house last weekend...I said to DH, who can procrastinate, "How many viable years do you think we have left?" He looked at me funny, and I started to do the math aloud. Even if we live a good long time, there's not an endless number of years that we can assume we'll be able to climb ladders and haul dirt around. He went to the home center and got supplies for a big project that afternoon! We've got some nice things happening around the old homestead these days  ;)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

bettylou

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #157 on: May 07, 2010, 03:50:04 PM »
Good for you Anna, each post you type I get to know you better and like you a bit more!  You must be a very hard working lady, I really admire that.  I need to get huge project going this weekend to take my mind off the shunning I get so that DIL and her mother can enjoy the day my son is treating them to.  Otherwise I will walk around biting everyone's heads off and crying alot.  My daughter is going to be at a retreat all weekend so she has already left right from school.  I am glad she is enjoying herself but I am lonely for Mother's Day.  Hope your day will be great!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #158 on: May 07, 2010, 09:40:32 PM »
I use my age to get things done, too. People look at me and just start helping because I guess I look like I am about to fall over.  ;D  :o (Much of the time I probably am but it's still nice to be cherished.)

I don't think about how long I've got left, though. Not if I can help it! Not at 83 when half of the people in our nursing facility where Val is now...are younger than I am! Whoa!! ;D  :(
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #159 on: May 07, 2010, 09:54:58 PM »
Luise, I'm dealing with a real procrastinator here...I have to shock him into action sometimes!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Is it hard to except the truth or hear a different perspective?
« Reply #160 on: May 07, 2010, 10:06:35 PM »
Good plan, Pen!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama