Grief process

[Smilesback@u]

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow sums up the lifelong experience of grief in the first 3 lines of his poem,
Secret Anniversaries Of The Heart:
The holiest of all holidays are those
Kept by ourselves in silence and apart;
The secret anniversaries of the heart.

I wanted to share that I think my experience with DS/DIL as a MIL is a lot more about me learning to let go than I realized.  Of course, they have to learn to let go as well.  So together we will get through this better realizing that we are all going through changing roles, letting go of our past roles.  When we visit, we can recall, but not really re-create what it was like when we were growing up together with me as the parent.  I believe I am feeling the loss of being The Parent.  I am sad and miss it in a lot of ways.  And when I visit, I am in the *no man zone* of Not Being The Parent with other grownups, as well as with the GDs.  I feel a loss at not being the most important adult in my sons' lives.  I feel a loss at being the *visiting GP*.  It is what it is under the best circumstances in relationships.  Someone sent me a funny Grandparent's Day that I will post in our grab bag.  I am certainly feeling all the stress of moving into retirement, letting go of a job, putting the house up for sale, getting rid of household belongings with recurrent thoughts of *no one wants these*, with lots of donations and really facing the economics of the future on a fixed income.  We are fortunate to have been savers so we will manage our household bills including medical bills.  Which brings me to my new sense of loss of good health.  I have had 3 incidents of pressure, crushing chest pain in the last month.   The most recent this weekend and now I am not willing to slip back into denial!  Maybe all the stress will be a blessing if they do find a heart problem before I have permanent damage to the heart.  Interesting to think that I may have *heart* problems - you think?    Usually I stress at this time of year with holidays ever since I was a child with an absent dad in the military gone for 9 months to a year at a time and mom drinking over missed birthdays, holidays etc.  I start taking St Johns Wort because of mild depression with this time of year which really helps.  My sons' birthdays are fall birthdays and I don't get to see them as they live out of the area.  There is a lot of emotional stress for me to deal with now.  All of my WWU friends know how we came to be here with our heart pain.  So I am following up with my family doctor and expect a full cardiac workup this week.  Also I am  communicating with DH that I realize that I am not going to live forever, that I don't want stress with my family to keep going on, and I will deal with this stress better.  I will stop worrying about my grownups and believe in them more, knowing that I am not the answer nor the problem.  If there is anything I can give you all through your struggles here, is to remember that life goes on, our children grow up, and we can get through these losses, as we grow older, get stronger from it and realize we don't really get over the losses, we learn to get through the sadness in order to make our living not only bearable but better.  Sending hope and love to you all.        

[Didi.lost]

Well said Smiles

[Grammie]

Smiles I am so glad that you have seen your doctor and are getting the needed medical tests.  Hopefully it is a false alarm and all will be well with you.

[Smilesback@u]

Thanks Grammie and Didi - stress really does take a toll.  It is so important to not let our health suffer cuz life goes on.  I believe that we get through all of this sadness with support, so thank you so much for being here and letting me know I am not alone.  Sending love

[Footloose]

Dear Smiles, I am hoping you find nothing serious but a closer look is in order.  I wish you the very best and a great outcome!  hugs!

[Smilesback@u]

Thanks FL, I will check back and let you know how it shakes out. 

[Keys Girl]

Smiles, my blood pressure problems almost disappeared after I decided to put my health first before my son and his wife.

I hope the same thing will happen with you.  Good luck with the tests,

KG

[Smilesback@u]

KG, hope I actually do put my health first, cuz I do matter.  I can live through grief with you all's help.  Sending gratitude