Why I don't call.

[Lillycache]

My son has repeatedly told me that even though he only calls me every few months, I can call him on his cell anytime.  AND I don't.   I have told him the usual excuses of not wanting to bother him.  Not knowing if it was a good time or not.  Not knowing his work schedule....Not wanting to talk to him with DIL in the background...etc etc etc.

The truth of the matter is... I don't really like talking to him since the estrangement.  There really is nothing to talk about.  He has to be very cautious in what he tells me and I am pretty much out of the loop in his day to day life or that of his children.  It's pretty hard after two months to start chit chat.  It saddens me.  And it makes me sadder after contact with him that things are the way they are.  I have even gotten to where, when I know it's about time for his obligatory call, I dread when the phone rings.  I cannot react to him as I would an acquaintance I haven't heard from in a while.  He is NOT an acquaintance.... he is my son.  Having no relationship seems better at times than having this superficial one.   He is no longer family except by accident of birth. 

[luise.volta]

L - That reminds me of how it was with my OS before he passed. He set up, for some reason of his own, a once a week, obligatory call. We were both stilted and circled carefully around the elephant in the middle of the call...my total failure to measure up as a mom.  I, too, dreaded the phone ringing...although I have never shared that or probably even admitted it before. I know that there are those who would say I at least had something...but I didn't. He wasn't there and neither was I. It was very definitive and made matters worse. Sending love...

[Lillycache]

L - That reminds me of how it was with my OS before he passed. He set up, for some reason of his own, a once a week, obligatory call. We were both stilted and circled carefully around the elephant in the middle of the call...my total failure to measure up as a mom.  I, too, dreaded the phone ringing...although I have never shared that or probably even admitted it before. I know that there are those who would say I at least had something...but I didn't. He wasn't there and neither was I. It was very definitive and made matters worse. Sending love...

Thank you for your response and understanding Luise.  After I made this post, I started thinking that some would react that way to it....  "At least he calls"   At least you get to see the GKs 2 or 3 times a year"   But for some reason it just doesn't feel right.   I feel like an after thought most of the time..  I feel like a gift repository for the kids on birthdays or Christmas.   It's all so superficial and obligatory.  He calls because he feels he has to. When he calls, there really isn't much to talk about.. our lives are so removed from one another.  He brings the kids over around Easter, and Christmas because he feels he should.  I buy the kids presents because that's what grandmas are supposed to do.   Most of the time it's a stab in the dark as I have no idea what the kids like or would appreciate.  It gnaws at me and I sometimes wonder if a clean break wouldn't be better for all of us. 

[Scoop]

Lillycache, I can totally see that we are on the other side of this.  We don't visit the IL's but 1 to 3 times a year, often for gift-giving occasions.  They hardly visit us (less than once per year).  They don't call our home phone and prefer to call DH at work, except then, he's busy working.  He doesn't call them from home.  Even when there's an 'occasion'.

I don't know what the solution could be.  I can't make him call them more often, or plan visits more often or WANT to see them.

My first thought though, was that if your DS said you could call him, then you should.  Call, talk about yourself and the fabulous things you've been up to for 5 or so minutes, ask him if anything is new and then get off the phone.  I think eventually it would get more comfortable.  Treat him like an acquaintance, I mean, you can talk to your hairdresser for 1/2 hour right?  And you know about her kids?  So, do the same with DS.

I also have to say to anyone here that if you have a mostly-civil relationship with your DIL, then please keep trying.  My DB is getting divorced from his wife (who was not evil, but definitely a pill) and I have to say that in retrospect (21 years), it was TOTALLY WORTH IT to have bitten my tongue around her all of these years.  Because, we still have a relationship with my DB and my DNiece and DNephew.  In fact, we have a great relationship with 'the kids', my nephew lived with US for a while during the divorce and we LOVED IT.

[Grammie]

Lily I can see how you would feel as you do.  My OS has not called to speak to us in almost 10 months.  He used to call right at dinner time on his way home from work.  I do miss the familiar voice on the line but you're right, what would we talk about?  My first inclination would be to give him a piece of my mind but I know that would not be helpful.  He called his DF on his birthday and left a message on his phone at work ending with "love you".  But he has lied so many times about so many things the words have no meaning any longer.  No effort to prove that the words are anything but habit.  Scoop is right though.  At least he calls and is putting forth the effort.   Even  if it isn't the relationship you hoped for it is the relationship you have.  I'm not so sure you would feel the same about a clean break if it actually happened, not a good position to be in.

[Doe]

LC, I hear ya.   I think you should do whatever moves you at the time.   Maybe you don't feel like calling him now and you might in the future, but maybe not.    ES and I are texting and emailing and I treat it like I would any other acquaintance.  If I don't have anything to say, I don't start anything.  If I do, I do.   If I view him through my "mom" lens, I just get annoyed and frustrated at this stupid game he's playing.  If I view him as another person in my life,  he's fine to talk with.   

[Keys Girl]

Lily, I think a clean break is easier to deal with.  In my cases there is no interaction so I know that I don't have to stress or worry about a phone call or anything else.  I can see how the phone calls would be like being whip sawed back and forth with the strain of knowing that things aren't the least bit relaxed or "normal". 

I think you should do whatever feels right for you.  Call or don't call, text or don't text, put the oxygen mask on yourself first and do whatever feels best.

Good luck, it's a tough road to hoe.

KG

[Pen]

I agree, do what feels best to you...and know that your feelings may change at any time. It's OK to back away & OK to try again if that feels right.

It is heartbreaking to go from being a close family member to being an aquaintance - my dear father (DF) treats me like a someone he barely knew from a neighborhood he lived in briefly years ago, perhaps worse. I am not thrilled about the possiblily of DS eventually treating me the same way. Both of them married women who don't want anything to do with me. DS at least tries from time to time; but like many of you I feel better when I keep an emotional buffer zone.

Sure, DIL & SM are getting exactly what they want, but to beat my head and heart against a wall just to make them miserable isn't worth it. I've got things to do & accomplish in this precious last third of my life!

[herbalescapes]

I think this post highlights that people are different.  For some,  a clean break is easier to deal with - not easy, just easier.  For others some contact, no matter how brief and superficial, is better than none.  My only advice is don't burn a bridge if there is the remotest possibility you may want to cross it again someday.  You can ease out of any contact by not making calls yourself and screening his calls.  Then again, if a true clean break, i.e., suspending all contact and letting him know it is what you need, then just do it politely.  Good luck.

[Begonia]

I can relate to those boring calls, but I like the idea of just giving a report on things I am doing and not expecting so much.  Safe topics are really good bridge builders.  I do like keeping the doors open and being happy to hear from AC.  When I am not resisting things then I can sleep so much better.  Sometimes calls from my friends are boring too, and awkward.  Life is like that, up and down.  Good wishes.