Spinning our wheels

[Keys Girl]

What a great thread!  I'm going to do my best to celebrate everything with whoever is around me, whoever or wherever that may be!

[Didi.lost]

You know i've been thinkin about the holidays too. This will
Be the first christmas in 38 years that we won't
Be seeing DD at all. It's going to be really weird
But it's going to be very peacful. Don't have to
Worry about her feelings and her attitude. And i
Don't mind that at all

DS & his gf just bought their first home and
I'm already hinting how he could have christmas
At his place this year since it's such a big house
Will help him keep his mind off his Dsis too
So it may be little hard but we will get through
It just fine
My DD however might find it harder to take since these family
Holidays meant everything to her. But she wants to hate us
So i guess she will have to start new traditions of her own

[herbalescapes]

Sometimes we have to sit back and remember that the holidays aren't really about family. We've over-commercialized pretty much all our holidays and forget some of them are holy days for certain religions.  Even non-religious ones usually have a purpose that has become lost.  Memorial Day, for instance, isn't about picnics, it's supposed to be about remembering those that have given their lives in service to their country.   Christmas is about one particular family (The Holy Family) and if your religion doesn't embrace that,  you don't need to feel bad/guilty/upset about not buying into the commercial greed the advertising industry has superimposed on a religious holiday you don't believe in.  Thanksgiving isn't tied to one religion, but it is about giving thanks to God.  With 7 billion people on the planet, it's a pretty safe bet that there are at least a few people in worse situations so we can all find something to be thankful for. 

I know I probably sound smug/condescending and I don't mean to be.  Celebrating with family is a wonderful addition to any event - holiday, wedding, promotion, sporting event - but if that's not in our cards, we can make lemonade out of lemons if we try hard enough.  Maybe Santa will bring me a way to follow my own advice. 

[Pen]

The holidays are a major emotional landmine for some of us, but other things can trip us up as well. Holidays or no, getting out of our downward spiral is key to moving on and progressing towards healing. IMO we can suck others into our negative vortex as well. When Luise gave the four of us the chance to be moderators here, I accepted her offer to be a helpful force for positive change, which meant I had to stop being so negative. I went into it wanting to help others - eventually my attitude change helped me too!

What is our payoff for staying stuck in our pain or anger? I think for me it allowed me to avoid doing the hard work of taking care of myself emotionally & physically. Around the same time I decided to get out of the downward spiral I started a weight loss & fitness plan that suddenly clicked for me, amazingly. It baffled me then but now I'm thinking this is all connected.

Not that we shouldn't express our feelings when something trips us up, but if we look critically at ourselves and find that we spend more time focusing on our poor treatment and the resulting pain than on positive statements or actions that can help us move on, it's time (IMO) to change.

[Elise]

Wonderful and wise points Pen. Reading carefully the many posts of those who have moved on, over and over, helped me move on too. Life looks much brighter and I am not mired in self justification now. Thanks for the reminder to keep focus on the bright side.  Change for the positive, healing all around, that is what I want for all of us and our DC as well.

[Begonia]

Interesting to read these posts.  I like the title of "spinning our wheels."  I can recognize now when I am doing that.  Since last year I have disengaged about my expectations.  And I have also thrown guilt out the door.  For the first year ever I did not send BD cards or money or gifts to my DS two children.  He told me a few months ago, when I drew the line with his lying, that I should not contact them.  Well, before this nothing could keep me from sending the GK their gifts or cards.  But this year, nah.  They were going to be a year older whether I sent something or not.  And I never ever knew if they got things or not so I stopped spinning my wheels on that.  And I have moved past it. 

This year my BD falls on a holiday, as it sometimes does.  My DSister invited me to spend time with them (my adult nieces and nephew and his fiancee).  I declined.  My BD should be fun, not filled with worrying about driving on ice or in a white out to arrive and sit like a bump watching sports on TV.  And then do clean up and all that because nieces, nephew and BIL do nothing. Nah.  Been there, done that. 

I have invites from friends and really I don't mind spending the holidays peacefully quiet.  I have worked at the huge free Thanksgiving dinner here and that is a lot of fun.  They serve 4,000 people; it feels good to volunteer.

So I am happy to say I am not spinning my wheels.  Have resumed a good relationship (if somewhat distant) with DD and family, and with Sis and family.  I feel comfortable with that.  There is no family drama in this household these days and I love it.   I really can accept life this way and if DS and family decide to be respectful then I certainly will leave the door open.  The way I have gotten this peace is to step back and stay back.  I had to stop groveling and feeling disenfranchised and make good use of my time instead of spinning my wheels on the same old stuff. 

[pam1]

Great message, Pen.  I'm going to take it to heart.  I was already starting to go into Grinch mode and feeling the pressure of the perfect holiday syndrome that goes on with DHs FOO.  Time to let go, it's not my problem.  I'm going to concentrate on what I *can* do and that is, make the holidays tremendously fun in the Pam Household.  We are going to eat like Kings and Queens.  We are going to have lots of music, lights and games.  We are *not* going to worry ourselves silly over other peoples temper tantrums and expectations. 

Halloween is coming up, our house is going to be the spookiest on the street!

[Lillycache]

yeah, the Holiday prospect is usually difficult.  Most people, even those with intact families get some sort of meloncholy.   The memories of Holidays past are always better looking back.  We look to recreate things that actually never were.. Most of our warm fuzzy holiday memories are from when we were kids with only anticipation and excitement. We don't remember how grandma fought with dad, or how grandpa got drunk and abrasive. and   the prospect of me and DH and my 42 year old bachelor son "making merry" and having a grand ole time seems pretty unlikely.   So it's a mushy heart that aches... or a stone cold heart that doesn't.  I have to keep in mind that I am aching for something that really never was and it makes it easier to remain stone cold.

[Tiskit]

There are some years where I wish the holidays were wiped from the calendar.  But, I have to look at every day as a celebration of life.  I will try to keep myself busy. 

I spent the last year in counseling and feel better having talked to a third party.  One of the questions my counselor asked me is whether or not I would allow my DS to come to Thanksgiving this year if he asked.  My response--No.  Why? Because he is holding onto too much anger.  My rule--he needs to see a counselor at least a few times (or more) and then a few sessions (or more) with me and then a few (or more) with me and my DH.  Four years of hurt cannot be forgotten on one holiday.  Incidentally, he didn't want to see a counselor or start any process to heal the relationship.  I tried; I extended the olive branch; I relent.

[Elise]

Tiskit, It sounds as if you have made clear requests of your son trying to detoxify interactions in your family.  Something rather similar happened to me with my ds during 3 1/2 years.  When my son declined my requests to enter any type of therapeutic process for a few years, I could only figure out my bottom line boundary: respectful communication between us, enforced by clear statements of what we would have to do if either of us said the word, 'Stop', during an interaction and one of us didn't immediately halt talking and nicely disconnect until the next opp to talk on the phone. I could not figure out anything else to do when he refused therapy for himself or with me. He wanted to come home and I refused last year for the holidays. His response was to escalate his nastiness. After 3 months of no contact it this limit has worked for the last six months after a couple of 'stop' calls. I have not had to use the 'stop' word in 6 months. He never diud use it. It is far from an ideal resolution, yet behavior based halted the destructive pattern.

I am glad you have the rest of your family and hope you find a way to enjoy the holidays regardless, even as your heart may ache for your ds.