Great, now he won't answer the phone

[Smilesback@u]

I certainly am starting to have some regrets.  My middle son has an abrasiveness when he talks about issues.  Seems like a trigger anger point.  Last phone call several days ago I thought I had good news for him.  Called him up, he twisted the news and was getting upset.  I found his response unreasonable, tried briefly to discuss and was met with more of his anger, not directed at me, but still, I didn't want to hear it.  So I said I have to go, bye --- and quickly got off the phone.  Today I call and he puts my call on HOLD  I send an email and ask him to call so we can talk.  This is the same son who let go of his apartment to live out of his car to save money.  No future plans of what he will do, just living without bills.  Except for the cell phone, gym and storage unit.  He says I try to control his life whenever I discuss what he is doing and plans to do for the future.  I believe at this point, that he has more to lose than I do by not being in communication.  And so it goes...  what is happening to me?  I have 3 sons, all 30+ and they are freaking me out with their attitude with me.  It was not an easy time those teenage years, and then we got through them.  This seems to harken back to those days.  This son I recently had to tell that I would not be paying his bills, and he questioned why am I cutting him off?  I don't know...maybe because you are almost 35?  I am being sarcastic as I didn't say that -- I said you are expected to make a living and plan for the future to be able to take care of  a family someday.  At least he has no unwed mother to support.  I do feel guilty and do worry but I keep doing the tough love with my sons.  Now this...well so be it!  I have mixed feelings, between being aware that this is not going to last hopefully, and that he realizes he has more to lose by not staying in touch, and feeling relieved that I don't have to talk with him.  I am nearing retirement next year and will be moving to the Islands.  Sure seems like all everything is breaking loose -- is there any relationship?  Are we all struggling to form new relationships?  It is getting to me today, where I feel sad.   I am going to start on St Johns' Wort, as I do seem to start a mild depression this time of year.  But crap!  I should be happy -- I am going to retire and live in paradise.  Does anybody want me to be happy for heavens sake?  It affects my marriage as I keep dwelling on things I cannot control with my sons.  Any help would be appreciated...even if you have told me before     

[pam1]

You did the right thing, Smiles.  Take your power back, girlfriend   Of course there will be a little push back, he has been used to you subsidizing his life.  IMO, you did the best thing anyone could do for him.

ps I had to delete some stuff out.  I think you may have been talking drastically but we still can't have that kind of talk here.  If it is that serious, please do see your doctor. 

[Smilesback@u]

Totally acceptable...appreciate your editing.  No worries, and I will hold my head up high and move on with my life.  I am grateful to have my health and love in my life to give.  Maybe my sons should focus on their own lives too without my interference!   

[Doe]

  Does anybody want me to be happy for heavens sake? 

I do, Smiles! 

Hearing how wrong I am from my one DS is wearing thin and I think I'm going to put him on a schedule.  I'll read his texts or emails Tues, Thur, Sat first thing in the morning if I'm not busy doing something like enjoying the life that I've built for myself!

I have a feeling that your son is miserable and it's really not about you.   You're just the person who he hopes will share his misery.

I'm glad you're taking action to prepare for the shorter days and colder weather.  I have a feeling that we should all start shoring ourselves up before the holidays hit.

[Smilesback@u]

Doe - I do believe my son is miserable, lonely and needs someone to shoulder his burdens, disappointments, and build him up.  There is only so much I can do...he needs a GF, and then a Good Wife.   Thanks, and I am going to the store to get my SJW now.  First indication of my dwelling on stuff, not bouncing back and I know I need a boost in neutrotransmitters.   

PS:  wwelllll this is embarrassing.  I dialed my cell phone and it went to hold for my call too!!  Malfunction...I just reset and that corrected it.  And here I was freaking out like a postmenopausal 60 year old who is near retirement or something -- possibly a new syndrome I caught from someone???

[Grammie]

Smiles I can relate when you say it's affecting your marriage.  How can it not when you're under so much stress?  I found myself snapping at DH and being impatient with the kids on my bus.  Deciding  that you will not let your DS ruin the other areas of your life helps when you begin to doubt your chosen path of self preservation.  DS is the only one who can change his circumstances.  You worrying about it won't change anyone but you.  Hopefully DS will get it out of his system soon and both of you will have some peace.  Moving to the islands is sounding pretty darn good right now, anyplace but here works for me.

[Pen]

Smiles, so sorry to hear you're going through this. Kinda funny about your cell phone, I can relate  Time for a Jitterbug phone, my DS would say 

Do your DSs know about your plans to retire & move from the mainland soon? If so, I imagine it might be frightening for the ones who aren't self-sufficient yet (shouldn't be, but...) Some of our AC react to our illnesses, disabilities and big life changes very negatively. My DS is grown & gone, doesn't rely on us for financial or any other kind of support, but I mentioned I was going to retire and he freaked a little. He even freaked when I casually mentioned a possible trip overseas by myself.

[Doe]

There is only so much I can do...he needs a GF, and then a Good Wife.   

I'll say... regular, dependable sex can brighten anybody's outlook!

[Smilesback@u]

Thanks Grammie and Pen, for your understanding.  And Doe - 

[luise.volta]

Yes, Smiles - there is someone who wants to see you happy. You! It isn't anybody else's job...it's yours. I see you moving in that direction...how great that you are planning to move to the islands. I didn't know that. Wanna' share where and when? Kirk and Sandy were on Kauai for 16 years...and have just now leased out their home for a year. They're over there packing up, as I write. You're a Washington Gal. Do you know Edmonds? That's where Kirk was raised and that's where they've leased an apartment. You have lot of wonderful years ahead of you, if you are willing to let it happen. ! Sending love...

[Smilesback@u]

Thanks luise for sending me the message that empowers my happiness - Me!  I am working on it truly.  We are going to live in Kona in a year.  BTW I graduated from Obama's Punahou which is on Oahu.  Always wanted to get back to the islands, I surfed and worked my first jobs there.  I never dreamed I would live and retire there. My husband is a big part of my dream come true.   I raised 3 sons in Shoreline so I know Edmonds also very well.  My aunt lived in Edmonds too in senior group home for several years (and Ballard before that).  We went weekly together for walks, talks, and to the waterfront.  Best bonding time in my life was with her in Edmonds - so I have fond and tender memories in that area.  I would say Edmonds would be my second choice for retirement cuz I love that area for its very easy walking, doggy park, ferry, friendliness, close in location to everything, greenbelts, and lots of good services (ie., docs, hospitals, etc.)  Great location!  And better yet, for your family, not too far from being able to visit you    thanks

[luise.volta]

Oh, Smiles, that's so exciting! I have relocated from Michigan to Florida to California to Oregon to Washington. I love it! :-))

[Smilesback@u]

isn't West the best?  Go West Young Woman!!

[Keys Girl]

There's always someone complaining about something.......bring home the forms to sign them up for the military and tell them a drill sergeant will listen to their complaints.  Keep the forms handy, you'll only have to wave them around a few times.  After 3 waves, get the forms for the French Foreign Legion and pass those around, they will be on another continent and you won't be in earshot.

It's a tough road to be approaching retirement and having the rug rats complaining about you not paying their bills.  Tell them you have a few complaints too.  Send them a bill for everything you paid for during the last 30 years.  Should be at least $300,000.  Tell them you'll put them on a monthly payment plan, and the payments double every time there is a complaint. 

Kona sounds wonderful,

KG

[Smilesback@u]

KG - I love your espirit de corps, totally!  I will soldier on to my own beat.  Always have, that's in my blood.  Thanks for everyone's ongoing support.  I have stopped paying the bills, thanks for the confirmation.  And, refocusing on losing weight for my good health rather than worrying so much about my grown up family.  They are all doing fine or they will do something else