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I never thought you would or even could divorce your mom!? WRONG!

Started by Footloose, September 14, 2012, 09:45:47 AM

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Footloose

I was in financial difficulty in raising my son ALONE.  I could never budget in support from his father and if we did get money from that source, it was used for extras like small vacations and Christmas/ Birthday gifts. I never had others help in buying clothes, shoes, school; supplies or anything other than toys for him with the highest price tag of under $50. I am not complaining as any gifts were appreciated.

I bought my first and only home at age 26 by working 30hrs of OT a week for 3mos to save for the down payment.  My credit had to be close to perfect to qualify back in 1990.  I built a career and a happy home with beautiful gardens and flowers.  I became one with Home Depot and learned to do wiring, install light fixtures, ceiling fans, repair toilets and got very good with tools.  I rented a jack hammer once to break up overspill on my foundation that was preventing me from planting bushes.  The guy at Depot asked me, "can u even pick it up?!" I was glad to show him I was stronger and more capable than he could imagine;)

Because sonny was an only child, we had other children over almost every day and sleep overs at least once a month.  I even took his friends on our vacations each year once he got to be 10.  I had him at 22 and NEVER took a vacation without him.  I never had a day off from work that didn't include him.  I loved any time I had with him and it just seemed right to me.

I did well with my career but did reach a ceiling that prevented additional lift w/o a lot of travel.  I waited until my son was in his late teens to begin limited travel for my job.


For his whole life and when he graduated from HS, I was the best mom and dad he could imagine.  He has it written in letters and writings I have saved thru the years.  He were very close and huggy.  We talked about everything from sex to drugs to politics, ethics, religion, everything.  I was playful, happy, creative, active, tomboyish and outdoorsy.  I would come home on two wheels from work so we could get to practice or scouts.  He played baseball for 8 years, scouts for 5 years and football for 5 yrs.  We did projects at home together.  We had a lot of fun and good times.  i read to him as soon as he would sit still and he so enjoyed this too.  We even did this when he was older by getting 2 books we would read and then discuss.  We took long road trips with books on tape.  Holidays were special and fun.  i baked and decorated and made homemade gifts at times.

I hurt him by asking him to move out and "fly the nest" at age 19 almost 20.  He flunked out of Jr college, lost another job for not showing up and was living a life of partying and zero plans for his future. He was already 3 yrs post high school and no where close to even an Associate degree.  I gave him a 3month notice that turned into 4+.  He was shocked that I did not waiver in my decision.  He did not have a job, he did not have a home and he did not have a plan.  I gave him the car he was driving and told him I would pay half of his deposits for a rental but beyond that, he was on his own.  i was not going to allow his failure to launch as his father never did and remained under full support of his 85 year old parents up until he died at age 55 of COPD and Heart Disease.  (Heavy smoker, drug abuser who had poor diet and exercise.)

I told my son that I loved him and enjoyed his company.  If it wasn't a barrier to his growth, I would be happy to have him live with me forever.  I reminded him of his strengths, healthy, strong, intelligent, articulate, creative, funny, etc....The only attribute lacking was a work ethic and I could not teach him that while he was under my support.  He would have to gain that one on his own.  I simply stated that it was time to fly.  So he reluctantly left his nest, no job, no home, no plans.  He had to live in his car. (thank God he had that car that mom gave him)  He had no money and had to steal shampoo. (so sad he did not accept a lowly job so he could pay for that shampoo) He had to later stay in a friend's spidery basement (so sad he did not take advantage of the 4+ mos notice given)

Little by little, he improved his situation by hard work and patience.  He got his own apartment and cleaned up every area of his physical and emotional health,  He felt great and was very proud as was I.  He then met his future bride and married.  When she was expecting number 2, he got worried of how he would support the entire family because daycare would not be financially wise and she would become a stay at home mom. He self studied and passed network engineering certifications on the first try.  He landed an excellent job and doubled his starting salary in 3 years.  Now he is working for a great company and is living the American Dream.  Big home, new cars and 4 children under the age of 6.

To this day, he still blames me for throwing him away.  For making him grow up. For providing him with a foundation for future success for the tough, true love and emotional support I gave him endlessly.   He has no fond memories of his childhood and all he can remember is mom kicked me out.  Mom threw me away.  If he ever gets a chance to look thru the VOLUMES of photos and memorabilia of his childhood, that record will help him remember just how good he had it and what a great mom I am and was.  I have no doubt.  To thy own self be true! .

After their wedding, no thank you cards were sent, no contact was made and his FOO was excluded.  His Grandmothers and his granddad did not even get a call or a meeting with their great grand children!  He cut them all off just like that.  Because I set no boundaries and took my crumbs in this new relationship with him and his family, in time I began to be excluded and disrespected as well.

I was so glad to welcome my first grandson who came with the marriage.  He was around 15mos at the time and I fell straight in love with him and my new daughter.  I am proud that he married such a wonderful woman.  I am happy to see what a great wife and mom she is and she knows this as I have mentioned it in emails and in regular conversation. I made a nursery out of my spare bedroom and happily obtained books, toys, furniture bedding, etc....  After a short while i was informed that I would need to also furnish my own car seat, bed, bedding, diapers, food, drink, PJs, slippers, clothes, shoes, everything so they would not have to pack.

Not even a year after I coughed up close to $10K for their wedding and another $1500 in baby supplies that I was required to keep on hand for the weekly baby sitting privilege, I get a random call one day from DS.  He asks, Mom, can we talk?"  I say, "sure, honey what's up"  He proceeds to tell me that I am the only person in his family he can count on and he only one who has ever been there for him.  He then says, "We've been thinking of how we get support from others and we think you need to step it up."  I said, "what? what did you say?" I thought I did not hear him right and he said it again.  "you need to step it up"  This was my first punch to the gut from my grown son. I pushed back on the comment by reminding him of just what I did and spent for the past year alone and he got explosively angry and louder.  My DS actually had the nerve to tell me that rather than it being a favor for them it was a privilege to have the honor of babysitting for them.  I consider it both an privilege and a favor with the biggest weight on FAVOR!

So I let him complain.  I let him correct me. i Took MY CRUMBS.  I let him treat me any way he wanted and this is where we are today.  He blames me for kicking him out, he is ashamed that I am his mom, he does not want me in his life and has made that clear in what he called a "break from me".  The break is now longer than 6 mos and includes them not sharing with me the joy of my new granddaughter's birth sometime in June.  A friend told me that there were pics in FakeBook.  Since none are friends with her in FB and I fired them back when this began, I have no details.

His home is under contract and they will be moving to AZ from GA.  I have no details there either.  i will let them go.  i have no choice but if and when he calls to reconcile, i will not allow him to disrespect me any longer.  THAT is a FACT.  If it means we are truly over than I must accept that.

My anger, loss and sadness are being replaced with others in my life who add to my wellness and do not take me down a dark path of regret, disrespect and devalue. I matter and so do all of you dear moms, warts and all!  It's called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and it works both ways!

luise.volta

I hear ya'! And I sure have been there. In my experience doing "what is best" for our adult children is seldom appreciated or seen as evidence of loving support. What was hardest for me was letting go of my story and the injustice. Since my survival depended on that, I finally made it but/and it was kicking and screaming and slowed the process down to snail-speed. I hope you don't have to go that route. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Footloose

Luise, I know my journey been tough but this site u built has helped so much so hopefully mine won't last as long?   Thanks for helping us!

Pen

Footloose, I have some guesses here...

I think you were a tough act to follow. Perhaps your superhuman abilities are threatening to DS & DIL? They may feel they can never live up to what you have accomplished in your life or how well you managed to provide a wonderful childhood for your DS while working hard to provide financial security for the two of you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Elise

Footloose - hang tight knowing you did an incredible job raising your son alone.  The choices now revolve around what you have determined is your bottom line.  Giving as you have is one thing when there is at least a simple thank you. Giving when it enhances connectedness and increases the sense of belonging is where it sounds like your heart has always been.  Requiring your son to stand up and launch had to have been very hard and yet you did it and it has led to his making his way as a man in this world.  I think he knows deep inside all the wonderful life he had with you growing up and hope it will in time make its way to the surface in his consciousness.  I know you are very strong FL, and that strength is hard won, and it is yours.  Yes, you are a hard act to follow, yet if that is a problem for your ds and dil, it is theirs to resolve.

I am grateful to Louise and you and all the gals here who share so openly.  You have helped me short circuit the 'kicking and screaming' stage, it didn't take me near as long
as it would have if I had not had your wisdom to read and learn from when I found this site last fall.

Keys Girl

Footloose, I have been there, raising a son on my own and working myself to bone, and getting by on little sleep, time or money for myself. 

Do any of these adult sons ask themselves where they would be without the mothers who stretched every dollar and often did without so they could have?  Do they not realize that they could have grown up in an orphanage? have been placed in foster homes or put up for adoption?  I'll bet those thoughts never cross their minds.  It's interesting that they always blame the mothers who were so devoted, and there is no mention of the fathers who were (in my case) very negligent.

Footloose, it's a grief like no other to be blamed for something or other but not appreciated for so much that you did as a mother.

I think it's smart to not allow reconciliation unless you are respected.  You might be totally over, but your days of having a relationship with him where you aren't treated with respect are over.  I think that's going to improve your quality of life.  As Judge Judy says "I'm the boss, applesauce".

Hang in there,

KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Doe

It seems to me that what our sons think of us really is independent of what we've done for them.  On this board, there are moms who have provided the world for their sons, moms who have struggled to make ends meet for their sons, moms who are sorry about not being good moms, moms who were the best moms in the world, moms who had lots of drama and moms who had ordinary households to raise their sons and we're all here, with sons who think we fall short.  Does anyone else see a pattern?   ;)


Elise

Doe - Yes probably a lot of patterns. The one that comes to mind is our ds, dils, mils, etc view us from a perspective very different from the one by which we view ourselves and the same is true in reverse, ie. how we view them. Perception is everything. The result of this cognitive dissonance is decreased sense of belonging and connectedness for both sides. Were our relationships with each other put on paper as a ven diagram, once we stop the fussing at least, the areas of overlap are less than before. The angst and outright pain are just too much to maintain the formerly larger areas of overlap. Detaching with love, coming to the point of realizing their opinions of us are none of our business, and allowing for changes in the future if they come, seems to be the only way to go forward which makes any sense to me. Many of us mourn for what was until we are ready to move into what is now, fully. That was then, this is now. It takes as long as it takes. Big girl boots required to make this change for sure!!

luise.volta

When my eldest son hit his early teens and decided I did not fit his blueprint of who and what I should be...I thought it was my job to learn to be someone else. I was only 33 and I didn't know I was stuck with me and so was he. By the time he was 33, I wanted him to be someone else and didn't see that I was doing the same thing. By the time he died of a sleep apnea induced stroke at 52, we had both learned that it wasn't gonna' happen and had reached a tentative level of mutual respect. Not a comfort zone but a sort of kind tolerance at a safe (emotionally) distance.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

DivaGirlDIL

I am a mom of a 4 year old.  The idea that I order our parents to buy a nursery and fully stock up is just well crazy to me.  It's called a diaper bag and a pack n play.  If either side set up a nursery quite frankly I would be in uncomfortable to say the least.  My mom goes over board with stuff for dd but I never ask.  Quite frankly I have asked her to stop.  Now I do wish she would keep some smaller toys at her place(which I offered to buy) but she won't.  It's a pain lugging them over to keep her busy.

Footloose

Quote from: Pen on September 14, 2012, 04:45:19 PM
Footloose, I have some guesses here...

I think you were a tough act to follow. Perhaps your superhuman abilities are threatening to DS & DIL? They may feel they can never live up to what you have accomplished in your life or how well you managed to provide a wonderful childhood for your DS while working hard to provide financial security for the two of you.

Pen,  U made me laugh with the superhuman remark, LOL!!!  i never thought, and still don't that it was anything other than simply the right things to do.  No awards needed just would be nice to get a little gratitude and less attitude from DS.  Thanks all you Wise Women!

foofoo

Does your DIL have family in GA?

The only thing that would make your son's phone call seem even a little sane is if your DIL wants to move closer to her family to get additional help.  Your DS didn't want to move.  So, your DIL said to your DS, then "Your mom needs to step it up cause I need more help."  Instead of phasing the fact that they need more help in a much more polite manner, your DS just repeated the phrase.  Then, there was the blow-up because you didn't respond the way he was expecting you to and now, they are moving because she "won" the argument.

At least that is my speculation as to why he said what he said.

Footloose

Both families are mainly in Ga. The step comment happened aft the wedding almost 4 yrs ago and marked the beginning of the worst of it. I took my crumbs like a good mommy but ended up in my Pirgatory of time out with no idea of how long. He sold the home and will be moving away from all known friends and family to AZ.  I welcome u to read my posts and bio. I'm glad u found us:)
Hugs!

herbalescapes

No matter how much or little you've done in the past or how much or how little other people are doing, no one owes their adult children support, whether it's a home to live in or free babysitting, or baby supplies or what.  Although we are biologically and emotionally tied to our kids forever, our financial responsiblities are finite.  Depending on where you live and what any child custody arrangement states, the responsibility usually ends at 18 or 21.

I wonder if you and DS are in a subconscious battle to be the Official Family Historian.  You say he has no postive memories of his childhood.  Your post, though, paints his childhood as totally positive.  Every child has some legitimate complaints against their parents.  The fact that your son had to grow up without a dad is a legitimate complaint - not against you, but against his dad and maybe the universe.  DS may feel that you overemphasize how much you did and ignore the fact that not having a dad was difficult for him. 

You say you were the best mom and dad he could imagine.  No matter how good a mom you are, you can't be a dad, too.  That's physically impossible.  I know many single parents use the phrase "be both a mom and a dad" but I think that's unfair to the kids.  It's great when a single parent gets outside their comfort zone and makes an effort to do things traditionally associated with the other sex parent, but the child involved still is lacking something they have a right to expect - two loving, involved parents.  I have a couple divorced friends who seem crushed every time their kids mention missing their dads.  Missing one parent doesn't mean the other parent is bad or not doing enough. 

I can easily see this scenario unfolding where the parent reminisces about something - vacation or holiday or something - and subconsciously the child is thinking, it wasn't that great.  So the next time the child has to recount something, he emphasizes the negatives of the event.  This gets the parent on a subconscious level, so the next time the parent mentions the past, she's even more positive.  So the child gets more negative.  So the parent gets more postive.  This repeats until parent and child are so polarized they can't even recognize their mutual memories.  Parenting is not a choice between Super Perfect Parent and Most Evil Parent Ever.  We all fall in between, some days closer to one side, other days closer to the other. 

Also, you want to take into account different perspectives.  An adult can look at a beautiful lawn or garden and take pride in the hard work, dedication and beautiful results.  A child may look at a garden and just see hours and hours of weeding, hoeing, mulching.  Moving into your own home is a source of pride.  A child, however, doens't understand the significance of home ownership.  To them, it just means more chores and now when something breaks, instead of calling the landlord, mom has to fix it and guess who gets to help? 

If my mother - or anyone - used letters I had written years ago to prove how I really felt, I'd be soooooo mad.  She wasn't in my head so she doesn't know why I wrote what I did.  Maybe I was just buttering her up.  Maybe I learned to be extra flowery to keep her from moping.  Maybe I and dearest friend had a contest to be the soppiest.  Maybe I copied phrases out of Hallmark cards.  Maybe I did mean everything I wrote, but the point is she DOESN"T KNOW!!!  I'd be sorely tempted to reclaim the letters and burn them.  Wouldn't be right of me to do that, but I'd want to. 

Similar with photo albums.  I'd rebut her claims with, "Well of course we're happy looking - everyone smiles for the camera!  And you got to pick and chose which photos to put in.  They're not an objective documentary of our vacations!" 

I'm not trying to make a case for your DS having had a miserable childhood.  Just the more you insist how wonderful it was, the more he might dig in his heels and insist on the opposite regardless of the truth. 

Maybe if you could not bring up the past and let any negative comments he has pass by unchallenged, things might ease up.  Geographical separation can be a blessing in disguise.  Good luck. 

Tiskit

I gobble quite a few crumbs over the past four years.  I know where you are coming from. 

My first "you need to step it up" and gut wrenching punch in the gut was when my DS told me he and his GF didn't like their Christmas gifts.  The worse part is that he told me six months after Christmas when I was out mowing the lawn.  He interrupted my mowing to tell me that.  I was soooooo shocked and dumbfounded.  And, that was beginning....

Unfortunately, our AC don't come with an on-and-off button or reboot button.