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Jealous or what?

Started by Smilesback@u, September 01, 2012, 01:09:30 PM

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Smilesback@u

I just found out that DS is going on an *family vacation overnight* with MIL.  He has tried to make a family vacation plan with us before, and I didn't want to go to a resort as they are usually expensive.  I also didn't want to pay the bill.  His FIL and MIL not only clean, cook and babysit on visits, but stay for weeks, and pick up the tab on visits, vacations, shopping, meals and well everything.  Sorry, not my culture and yet I do feel jealous about the *special times* they have together.  But seems to be my problem because I am getting what I pay for it seems.  Will I ever get over these emotional conflicts of mine about what I am expected to do, and what I am willing to do? 

Smilesback@u

PS:  I also start wondering if they try to make me jealous or guilt trip me by informing me *See look, what all these good things and fun times ILs do with us.  They are great!  You are not that good.*  Should I just ignore my feelings?  I really think this is weird and it matches up with they're saying they will not visit us unless they can leave the kids with us for a week so they can go on a vacation.  No takers here so I cannot blame anybody but myself as I don't want to do this! 

Pen

Smiles, so sorry :( I don't get why this stuff happens, and I don't know how to deal w/the jealous feelings that come up. As you know I'm in a similar situation minus the GC issues and it hurts when DIL's FOO gets vacations and weekends & we are lucky to get half a day every few months or so simply because we can't (or won't) spend the way DIL's FOO can. I don't like feeling petty and childish either, but I haven't yet figured out how to avoid it.

Their loss, Smiles - you're an amazing DM, GM & MIL...too bad they can't appreciate you.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Doe

I don't have real in-law issues, but half/family and friends issues.  Even if my attention just lightly goes in the direction of how much those people know and enjoy my GC I feel like my head will start spinning a la the Exorcist.  So just have to force myself to not know about that. Not know that her only extended family of blood relatives aren't allowed to know her.  ...  Just pretend like I don't know that.  mm hmm. 

Smilesback@u

Pen and Doe - you are both great to help me out of this funk.  It is a STOP moment when I think this way and you helped.  When it comes again today, I will think of how much fun I will have working out at the gym next week ...  :P

Scoop

Background: We've gone on a 'family vacation', with my Mom and my DB's family, funded by my Mom.  It goes like this, when my Gpa died, my Mom decided that we were NOT spending the first Christmas afterwards at home without him, so she took us all on a trip.  A couple of years ago, when my Dad died, my Mom did the same thing. 

So Smiles, should we NOT talk to my IL's about these trips?  I assure that we don't talk about them to hurt their feelings, or rub their noses in it.  We talk about them to give them news of what we've been up to.

Also, should we say "no" to a trip with my Mom, because my IL's don't choose to vacation with us?

And it's not about who pays, it's just about picking a vacation that works for ALL of us.  My Mom works with us, choosing a time, a trip, a cost, ect, that works for the little ones and the big ones.


NewMama

Sometimes I think the jealousy comes from what we think is going on when reality is very different. It may look like they're having a super special time together, but that sounds exhausting (and expensive!) for your DIL's parents to me. I don't think you should feel guilty for not wanting to babysit or pay for their vacations. It sounds like her parents made their choice to do those things, and you have your choice not to. And if they're doing those things because your DIL and DS expect them to and they're giving in to that, that's also their choice.

They really may just be telling you for the sake of keeping you up to date on their lives. Not that we're going on any fancy trips, but I stopped mentioning anything about my mom babysitting or us going out because it practically makes MIL's head spin. DH sometimes will tell her we had a date night or something, and if she mentions it I won't lie, but I don't bring it up. He truly just says it in a 'here's how life's going' kind of way. If your DS is telling you to guilt you, then shame on him if he can't appreciate you for you instead of what you can do for them.

jdtm

QuoteSometimes I think the jealousy comes from what we think is going on when reality is very different.

NewMama - I think you have hit the "nail on the head".  I can so relate to this as to our son's IL's as well as my own husband's FOO.  Often when I thought they were having such a good time, I would hear (not from our son or my husband's FOO) horror stories of stressful (not fun) times.  You know the old saying "the grass always looks greener on the other side" - and I feel this is often the case when we feel left "out" (which, frankly often we are) but, this does not mean that the "in" side is wonderful and fun.  Just another opinion ....




Smilesback@u

Scoop  - thanks for sharing about your family vacations and sounds good.

NewMama and jdtm - I think not reacting to my own perceptions is a gift to appreciate, thanks.   

Thanks everyone for all your posts, I appreciate it.  Changes are hard now that the family *looks* different and acts different.  I will say, though, today is my GD's first day of school.  I missed talking to her yesterday, so I got up early (as they have 3 hours difference) and called DS, really not knowing if he would even answer.  DS agreed, and I did get to wish my GD a good first day at school and hear her excitement in her voice.  That has made my day  ;D

So I am grateful for DS' kindness and good heart.  I will keep trying to be involved with GDs in my own special way and appreciate your help, always.  Have we come to the end of this topic?     

Scoop

Smiles - that was VERY AWESOME of you to get up early to wish GD a happy first day of school.  Seriously, super-awesome.

Because the addition to that "grass is always greener" adage is: "If the grass is greener somewhere else, you don't MOVE, you water your lawn!"

I see that, okay, you don't go on vacations with them, but you do remember their special days, and that means something.  So keep watering the lawn of your relationship with your GK's, it'll get greener!

Smilesback@u

Scoop - yes!  I am to focus on my own yard's weeds.  I see FB pics of DS/DIL/MIL walking GD to school and miss doing that.  I think I will go mow and weed right now  :(