Dealing with the pain of estrangement

[Pen]

JaneF, I'm really glad to hear that you have found the kindness & respect you so deserve. You did it; you changed your life.

Time is precious; I don't want to spend another second of it feeling "less than." It took me a long time to finally get that those who had hurt me didn't give a flying fig if I was miserable or happy. They were not interested one way or the other. I figured I might as well be happy since as far as I know this is the only life I've got and I don't want to look back on a life spent in bitterness and sadness.

[JaneF]

Right on Pen! 

[Maujy]

What a wonderful way of looking at the problems we face .And I love the idea of adopting a new family. How did you go about doing that?

[JaneF]

The "adopting a new family" is done by having friends that either have no family near, or are estrnaged from theirs and we spend time with them because we have mutual respect for each other.  There are some renters in our rental properties that fall into some of these categories, and some are also very low income, and we invite them for cookouts, holiday meals etc.  Just like you would regular family members!  It is nice to have folks to spend good times with and not have to deal with the drama, or have to walk on egg shells so as not to "upset" some.  We consider these friends as our "family".  We will be having some "real family" here at Christmas, but we will also include the new family too!   J

[luise.volta]

My experience of "Family" is as follows: I have ten "kids" and only one is biological. Once in a while when we have a gathering, usually my birthday, Kirk jokingly threatens to pull rank on them, if necessary! It's a "family" joke. If I sent out an S.O.S. they would all come, if at all possible. And they all call me "mom." One is Kirk's partner, Sandy. One started out as a DIL and is now an "ex" but not to me. One is her "ex." One was once my cleaning lady who we helped get her GED and then her Nursing Assistant degree. One is her wonderful husband. One was the maintenance man at an RV park we belonged to. One was once my massage therapist and now her husband has joined the throng. One I met in a series of seminars being given in Seattle. I have never had a gathering where they all appeared because three of them live out of state, now. (However, they still come "home.") They all know each other through me and we are a "family" in the truest sense of the word. I have a deep heart-connection with every one of them and they with me and each other. Nine have no memories of a disappointing childhood. Kirk is the exception and understands my humanness and thus my limitations without holding them against me. My cup runneth over... 

[iluv2run52]

I just found this site by chance and decided to give it a try.  I, too, have been estranged from my youngest son for almost 7 years.  With this estrangement, I am not allowed to see my grandchildren who are 12, 10 and 4.  I have tried numerous times to contact him but all I get is "we are going to call the police", etc.  Its quite a long story but I just want to thank everyone in this site who support each other.  I miss my son and grandchildren.  These are the only grandchildren I have.

[Begonia]

I think this topic is one that we all share.  I revisited the posts and a couple things stand out: We have to accept we can't change our AC and we have to move on with our lives. 

My story is like all the rest.  My DD and I currently are in friendly contact but not my DS since last spring. 

So for Christmas I sent DD a nice wreath and I never even considered sending DS anything.  However, I am making a Shutterfly photo album of an adventurous trip I took and I am sending one to each grandchild. If my DS wants to throw them out that will be up to him, but I will have an extra one here.  If I can't have a relationship with my two youngest GC (DS), then they can at least know I was an adventurous grandmother. I dedicated the book to my GC and put their family photos on one page.  It was fun for me to do and only had to do with ME, not the past, not divorce or XH or places I've lived or troubles I've had with anyone. 

It's nice to have gotten to this place.  I would never let any friend get away with the bad treatment I have had from my AC.  I have learned to be content with how ever it is right now.  Good luck to all.   

[Pen]

Welcome, ilove2run52. I'm glad you found us, but sorry you are going through your troubles w/DS. Please keep reading and posting; you will find comfort and support here.

If you haven't done so already, please read the pink-highlighted items under Open Me First on the home page. You'll find out about how the site came to be and some tips on posting, abbreviations, and navigating around. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

[AnnaB]

I am grateful for this site and have to learn how to navigate it and come back often.
My daughter and her husband have been cruel to me. I gave them my entire inherited property worth $200,00) + so they could have it forever, and all I asked for one one promise,that they would allow my son and other daughter one week a year to enjoy the lake. Well, they found every excuse in the book to ban my son, made up lies and when my DH and I were up there they made my life miserable yelling at me scowling etc. We bought them groceries, did chores and kept the place immaculate. My SIL admits his upbringing was hell, I was the sole provider of my 3 kids, with an abusive husband that I put up with for 20 years and I provided very well for the family .

I am remarried, to the most wonderful man. I have one son who loves me, my other daughter is bi-polar so with a GD so I walk on eggshells around her but manage just fine.

This DD and I have not spoken in 6.5 months. All she does is accuse me of things and berate me. I sent a letter to her Husband telling him how awful it was that he blocked us out of the promise he made.

To end this, I am saying,after the latest barrage of cruelties by my DD I removed her from all of my contacts. I told her it was over until she and her husband treated me with kindness and kept their original promise. I am done. My best friend told me that whenever my DD would be cruel to me and I would react, she would always make it look like my fault. I also had to put up with DD constant suicide threats for two years, I read how to help her, and all the sites to say to let her know you will BE THERE FOR HER, but she would shut me out, I just had to give up. When both she AND her husband came to me for help for their marriage, I did not take sides, I encouraged them to go to counselling then they turned on me something awful. I just have to give up. I read in a number of  posts here that some of you say to never give up. I find that only makes me sicker to my stomach holding on to the hope. I would rather blot them out of my life at this point and move on to find others to love and as I said, my DS and GD love me and treat me with the utmost kindness and respect. I need to come back to this blessing of a site more often. Thank you for reading.

[Pooh]

AnnaB, I don't call it giving up.  I call it moving on and surrounding yourself with those that love and appreciate you.  IMO, there is a difference.  It is saying, "I matter and I will not allow someone to treat me less than I deserve."

[AnnaB]

Glad i came back, I just had the trip of a lifetime with my DS who treated me like a queen. My husband encouraged me to go on this once in a lifetime trip. I asked my son, "why do the girls hate me so much?" and he said BECAUSE YOU SUCK AS A MOTHER, and we laughed the night away....it was wonderful and we goofed around and had the best time. He cried when we parted, saying we will set up a savings account so we can do it again and again.
Life is just so strange, but everyone who does love me tells me to just take care of myself, and enjoy the few years my husband and I probably have left. It is 5 am, I am feeling calmer, and just read the woman's comment on the birthday issues, and it helped me understand that I, too, will not be sending my cruel daughter anything anymore, I do feel better just protecting myself. We used to have a wonderful and fun filled relationship and she went downhill when I said something I probably should not have said when her evil father died. That was 10 years ago, and she is 39 now. But I was a wonderful mother, I now have a wonderful husband and a grandaughter who loves me, even if her mom does not. I will come back more often and not at 5 am. thank you all.
 

[luise.volta]

WONDERFUL to see you again, AnnaB. You sound like you are doing really well! Sending love...

[bosscat]

there is not one emotion that I do not recognise and have not felt so I know exactlyjow itis to be estranged from your child/children.  I was esranged from my son for 7 v.long v.painful years
due tomy ownmother poisoning him against me!  My mother was always v. controlling and manipulative and set each member of the family against the otherand told me when I gave birth to my baby that 'one day I will break you - one day I will take him from you'.  Well she very nearly achieved that as I had a complete breakdown due to the stress.We brought my mother to
live beside us when we retired by which time she had heart failure and there wasnobody to take care of her - so I had to look after the person who had parted me from my son - make a fuss of her  Mothers Day - Birthdays - Christmas etc.,  my belief system also required that I had to forgive.  art of her was sociopathic - part of her wanted to enjoy seeing my pain (which I would never let her see!)  Al these years I left the door open for my son.  i gave up sending him birthday abd Christmas cards  - but I did keep him upto speed about any family matters or anything that I felt he shoud have known - giving him the choice to reply or ignore.  He ignored.  All this time the pain was just awful especially as my mother told me about ecerything that was said about me!!  Al I can say is - be strong - if you have a Faith - then pray - try to keep busy (doing the
ironing was always hard as it set my painful thoughts off)  Try to avoid things that allow your mind to trigger off the pain even if it means just going for a walk.  If you have a true and trusted friend - dont be afraid to talk to them (but not too much!)   Your children are still chidren and the world and all its twists and turns have not touched them yet - so be patient - nobody escapes the painful times that life throws at us and never stop believing that you were/are a good mother - her MOTHER for goodness sake - never top believing that one day when you least expect it she will come back to you.  As for me - my mother never heard or saw my son again once she moved - so she hurt herself - but the minute my mother died and I got word to him - he came back into my life. The pain never totally leaves you and in honesty mymother didn't hol a gun at his head making him listen to her.  He has never soken about it all and that hurts too - but I suspect he has guilt - but I cannot forget.   
Good luck and hold in there.  I keep my fingers crossed that it aill change for you.

[luise.volta]

Welcome - B. Please go to our Home Page and under Open Me First read the three posts there to determine if our Forum is a fit. We are  a monitored Website. I modified your post slightly, since we refrain from referring to our individual belief systems here out of respect for each other. It sounds like you have really been through it and have come out the other side reconnected to your son. What a blessing! Also, seeing your mother through her last years after all that came before is amazingly commendable. My hat's off to you!

[bosscat]

HELLO - MANY THANKS FOR REPLY AND PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES
FOR UNINTENTIONALLY BREACHING ONE OF YOUR RULES.  I AM NEW TO
FORUMS LIKE THIS - SO HOPEFUL YOU WILL FORGIVE MY INNOCENCE.
AM ENJOYING THE SITE AND TAKE COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT THERE
ARE MANY OTHERS HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME SITUATION.  WE CAN HOPEFULLY
ALL GAIN STRENGTH FROM ONE ANOTHER.

CHEERS
BOSSCAT