I don't understand why my grown daughter hates me so?????

[willieonlyone]

  I do not understand why my grown daughter, age 38 years old, hates me?  My husband passed away almost nine years
ago now and I have never missed any important function when it comes to my grandchildren.  This is including my daughter's children and my Son's one daughter.  I now have two great grandchildren, one from my daughter's daughter Robyn, and my son's daughter, Alana.   I have always been good to my children and grandchildren and I love them with all my  heart but I am
sick of walking on egg shells with my daughter especially.  My son, rarely telephones me, which is not unusual for him.  He pretty much has been like this since the day he left home to be out on his own.  He can be cruel when he wants to be as well, but  now this with my daughter has made me reach my breaking point.  When my husband Rob passed away almost eleven years ago, I have to say that this was the most difficult time in my life.  We had a wonderful marriage and we would have been married almost 28 years when he passed.  I really thought my children and I would become much closer, but instead, we've grown apart.  Both my children live out of town, one about 40 minutes away and the other one about an hour away.
I do have a live in boy friend now and I think this may bother one or both of my children, but they do not consider how lonely it is to be without their father, so if I can find companionship, I don't think they should hold it against me.  I have never interferred with their lives or whom they've chosen as a partner.   Anyway, my daughter has decided to get married in a years time in August, in Jamaica.  My daughter is always in a hurry to get things organized and it really doesn't matter what it is but she suddenly called me one day to tell me this and suggested I allow her to book this trip for us using her visa to put a $200. down payment for the both of us to go to her wedding, and the total cost of this trip will be $1500. dollars each.  I really didn't know what to say so I told her to go ahead but that I might have trouble getting medical insurance since I have an illness that they may choose not to cover me with insurance so I told  her I would have to find all this out.   She text me about a week ago to let me know where she was with her planning etc.  I did tell her I would  have loved to go with her to help to pick out her dress and she said to me "I didn't think you'd be interested in coming to help me pick out my wedding dress."  I responded that I would love to and why wouldn't I.  However, she apparently already went out with her friends and picked out her dress, so I was a little disappointed, since I asked her if I'd be walking her down the isle (since her day is no longer with us) and she replied  "no, I will be walking myself down the isle."  Later she changed her mind and said her children would walk her down the isle.  I feel like she does not want me involved at all in this wedding, but after I text her to ask her if she realized that she booked this trip in the middle of hurricane season and that I had  just seen on line the same trip for $930. dollars everything included, she jumped down my throat.  She said you have been nothing but negative about my wedding, so consider yourself uninviteded.  I only want people there that want to be there for us.  She just as much said that she wished her father were  here instead of me.  I thought my heart would break.  I told  her if I could change places with her dad I would, but unfortunately, this wasn't my choice but God's choice.  She said some  pretty mean and nasty things and said I hadn't been a mother in nine years.  I have always been more than kind to my daughter and my grandchildren and I've always made it to special occassions.  Lisa (my daughter) gave my husband and I a terrible time when she was in her teens and it seems everyone has to walk on egg shells around Lisa or she gets very angry, especially if things just don't go her way.  I cried for two days.  She said "don't bother paying me  back the $400. dollars.  It sounds like  you need it more then me."  I am on a disability supplement and she knows this, yet somehow, I always manage to buy and buy for all of them.  Just recently I told all of them that I would only be buying for the children which would be my two small great grandchildren and my grandson, who is only 10 years old living with her.   I think she was angry about this as well , but I explained that I will be going on retirement pension in the near future and I just can't afford to do the things I have done in the past.  She knows my  health hasn't been the greatest but she doesn't give me the time of day.  She has even been in this city many times, and never drops by to say hello or to have a coffee.  She always has an excuse that she is busy etc.   I am tired of her breaking my heart and I never hear from my son either.  I feel like they have abanoned me.  My friend said I should not give her the four hundred dollars back since I'd be paying towards a trip I won't be taking.  But if I know Lisa, she will take me to small claims court.  She always has to  have drama going on in her life in some way, shape or form.  The only one that I hear from is my darling granddaughter, Robyn which is my daughter's child.   Robyn and I have always been very close.  My husband and I have practically raised her when she was small and she is so unlike my daughter.  She is more like me than her mother and we have a great relationship.  I hope to maintain this with Robyn and would do anything for my children or my family but I just
can't take my daughter's abuse anymore.  And I am just disallustioned with my son.  I feel sometimes I will have a nervous breakdown, and I am tired of crying all the time.  I know my husband would be mortified if  he was here and he would be telling them both off.   However, he is not here unfortunately, and I have to deal with this on my own.  I would love to have your input and I would value your support.  Thankyou.

[Doe]

Hi WOO and welcome to WWU.

I think weddings can bring out the worse in people (at least in my experience).     Maybe it's time to take a break from being a mom and reorient yourself as an adult woman on her own.  Good for you that you have a boyfriend! 

I know it's tough to unstick yourself from your children, especially when they are telling you how wrong you are, but there's a time when enough is enough, imo.     My recommendation is to start taking care of yourself first and foremost - eat well, get some exercise everyday, read some good books or watch some good movies that aren't depressing, find a football team to cheer on, volunteer somewhere that forces you to count any blessings that you have.  It sounds like you've gotten into the habit of being your daughter's whipping post.  Maybe it's time to break that habit?

[willieonlyone]

Thank you so much for your reply.  Its just nice hearing from other people what I've known all along but you tend to question yourself and your decisions and then I always end up giving in to her but your the second person now that has told me to just let it go and pay attention to myself for a change.  I know my  husband and I gave our children a good home. We were hard workers and they had everything they needed and wanted.  Now their on their own and all I expect of them is a little respect and for them to show me they love me by what they say and do, but that is just not happening.  I just know that my heart breaks very easily, and I do not want to end up a broken woman because of my children and how they treat me. I'd be cheating myself, my friends, my dear mother and boyfriend. These people do care.  Its going to be very difficult, but I know I have to do this.  I thank you so very much for taking the time to write to me.  I do so appreciate it and it will strengthen me. I've certainly cried enough tears to last me a lifetime.  My own health is not great but that doesn't stop me from taking care of my 93 year old mother who I adore.  I would do anything for my Mom and she adopted me when I was 5 days old.  But to me, she is my mother in every respect and I love her so very much.  Thank you once again for your reply and God Bless.  Wilma

[Doe]

I do not want to end up a broken woman because of my children and how they treat me.

This would be a good quote to tape to your bathroom mirror!  I don't know about you but it can take me a while to break old habits and sticky notes help.   

Luise, who created this forum, said once "you're more than a mother" and that has really stuck with me.  It puts my attention on all the other rich things in my life besides my tenure as a mom.

[Smilesback@u]

Listen Willie, you are welcome here and understood by many of us.  Many of us are going through this variation of letting go of our expectations on our grown up daughters and sons.  I have six and there is this process we need to get through in order to re-focus on our health because we really cannot do like we used to do for everybody.  You need to be financially stable for your retirement as best you can, and know that people love you.  I realize how this might sound cold, but our daughters/sons do not need us like they used to and we have to learn to let that go.  I am sure you have a lot of love in your heart from your post.  Take heart from all of us here going through similar situations.  sending hope...

[pam1]

Welcome willieonlyone

Please read the highlighted items in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so in order to get a feel for WWU and how we came about.

I moved your post into a category that more of our members will see.  Glad you found us.

[Footloose]

Welcome, Willie:)  So glad you found us:) I understand your issue as I too share it!  My only son/ child married 4 yrs ago and little by little, he has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me in his life.  I used to be asked to "pitch in" with gifts wedding, etc.  I ended up footing the entire bills but didn't mind too much because I am a generous person but I always wondered why the hard sell and why not simply ask for what you want instead of using all the manipulation.  I don't need the answer and am redirecting my free time to focus more on good people.

Your down payment and trip cost may very well have been inflated to cover others and when u called her on it she got mad.  I do not know your family but I do know mine and I must be careful as to not be taken advantage of.

Unfortunately, people are often polarized as being givers or takers.  My son is a taker for sure.