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Rough day

Started by Pen, August 05, 2012, 09:29:05 AM

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NewMama

She doesn't like to share her time with DS with anyone else. Lately even me (and he's only 15 months old). It was a small party - my DM, DF & SM, my brother and SisIL (DS's only uncle and aunt), and one family friend. 10 adults including us, MIL and her BF. There was no restriction on when gifts were being opened, although MIL and BF chose to leave before we got to anyone's gift. Everyone else stayed. We offered her a few alternatives to having her own separate party if she wanted some quieter time with DS, one of which was showing up earlier to the party. That's the one she took us up on, and stayed until shortly after my FOO started to arrive. When they said they were leaving, I mentioned that we hadn't gotten to gifts yet, and they said they just wanted to be on their way. 

As I mentioned before - I don't think it's unreasonable for a MIL or DIL to take their concerns to DH. When she brought that issue to DH, he went back to her after we talked and probably presented the options to her in a much better way than I would've - because she's his mom and they've been dealing with each other for 30+ years. What happens after that is where things get dicey - if you have a DIL like Pen's, nothing you do is probably going to go over well and that's not Pen's fault. That's DIL's personality unfortunately. Grammie, if you brought your concerns to your DS in an attempt to better things and that's how they reacted, that's on them. It doesn't mean your concerns weren't valid, or you were wrong in voicing them. I understand the reservation about doing that, and I've seen it said repeatedly that the MIL has more to lose in that kind of situation. 

Grammie

Quote from: Scoop on August 08, 2012, 06:17:10 PM
Quote from: Monroe on August 08, 2012, 03:50:20 PM
Why is it your husband's job to smooth the relationship between you and your ILs?

Can you imagine if he had told his M, in the way that he knew she would receive, the things that would be hurtful to me?  So that she could stop doing them?  And maybe, if she could see it from my point of view, she could apologize?



Scoop,  Why demand an apology?  Everyone sees things in different ways.  Perhaps MIL feels that she has been done an injustice and believes that you owe her an apology!  I don't know the details of your situation so please don't be offended.  I'm just relating to your comment with my situation in mind.  I sent an email which DS and DIL took offense with.  I had not intended it the way it was taken.  I had addressed it to DS and sent it to his private email.  He shared it with DIL.  I apologized for sending it in the exact same manner.  I sent it to him at his private email address.  He refused to accept my apology so I apologized again in person and he still refused to accept it.  So what is it that they want?  I'm now getting the silent treatment.  I'm guessing that DIL believes that I should come to her and apologize for the email and everything else that has offended her.   But why not just let it go and move on?  Most people don't want to sit there and be subjected to criticism and be forced to fess up and apologize.  They likely will not agree with the way you see things and would argue the point.  That happened with us.  DS came to us with a list of petty stuff that upset his wife.  We tried to reason with him and explain our point of view.  It was interpreted as us accusing his wife of lying and not being considerate of her feelings.  Seriously, she was upset because I left clothes in the dryer when they lived with us for 3 months.  How ridiculous!!!  I am not demanding an apology but any person in their right mind would agree that DH and I have been treated horribly by DS and DIL.  You see before DS and DIL met she believed that her parents were interfering in her life and she gave them the silent treatment for 13 months.  Her parents were so distraught that they went to her and apologized for all of their sins and begged forgiveness.  I believe that is what she is demanding that we do but since no one will speak to us then it's only a guess.  Her mother warned me that if I crossed her she would do the same thing to me and I'd never see my GC.  Nobody in her family will speak to us now either.  I love my GC but I don't take kindly to being manipulated. YS is afraid to say anything to his DB because he's afraid that he will be cut off too.  After a while you just give up!  You don't know what their problem is or what they want.  The stress of dealing with their issues and drama is greater than the stress of not seeing DS and GC.  You kind of pretend they don't exist and move on.  Hopefully DS will get so sick of DIL's paranoia and demands that he'll come to his senses but I'm not holding my breath waiting for that to happen.   
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~

DivaGirlDIL

Quote from: Monroe on August 08, 2012, 05:10:21 PM
Quote from: NewMama on August 08, 2012, 04:12:17 PM
I think it is part of the son's job to help with the relationships between MIL and DIL.

So, if it is part of son's job to help with relationship between MIL and DIL, does that mean MIL can ask son for the help with problems with DIL?   Or can only DIL ask for help from son on problems with MIL?   

I have a hard time imagining that Pen's DIL would take it well if Pen asked her son for help in working out problems between DIL and Pen and Pen's husband.

My MIL has talk to DH about problems between her and I.  We don't get along I went in trying but she never wanted to get to know me.  My DH is a doctor from the beginning she called me a gold digger.  I never finished college and was a childcare worker when we meet so to her I was a loser who needed a rich man.  Even though I lived on my own paying my own way.  Not the best apartment but it was mine.  So now I say hi, goodbye and speak when spoken too.  She wants me to talk to her ask how her day is going Ect. When she confronted dh he simply told her you burned the bridge and she is never rude to you.  she wasn't happy and I wasn't mad about her talking to dh. 

Newmama Your a better person then me I wouldn't have given any oppition.  It's your party not hers no one should ever restrict or demand someone be invited.

pam1

IMO, there is risks about voicing your feelings to anyone.  I do think that it is a little unrealistic to expect spouses not to talk to each other about what is said, especially when the other spouse is discussed.  And, I believe this is true in any relationship, not just the in law dynamics.  If my best friend from childhood came to me about something my DH is doing that upsets her, well...let's just say she better be able to articulate it very well and as well, not try to paint my DH as "evil" or anything like that.  That is the quickest way to shut any spouse down. 

In my experience, my MIL would not talk to me but would give DH an earful about me.  I never got a fair shake or allowed to voice my feelings/opinions.  She went to DH to have him reprimand and change me.  (Seriously, staying for a visit of at least 6 hours was insulting to her because I did not stay longer, so that meant I didn't love her!)  And DH had severe problems with MILs lack of awareness to her own contributions of the problems, which is a huge turn off in any conversation concerning conflict. 

With all that said, I think it is a lot more likely that the primary connection will understand where the other is coming from.  DH is a lot better able to understand MIL than I am.  And vs. versa.  It's not ideal but it's a tool that should be useful, however, when the DH/DS doesn't want to do it or is incapable, it is one less useful tool in reconciliation.  Just my take.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pooh

I agree.  The realistic side in me also says that the reality is exactly what we are seeing here on these posts.  The very sweet DILS here that are having problems with their MILs are the ones that are compromising, don't want to cut them off and willing to keep an open mind and try.  The very sweet MILs here that are having problems with their DILs are the ones that are compromising, don't want to cut them off and willing to keep an open mind and try.

I think it just still boils down to who you are dealing with.  If my FDIL came to me with an issue about my DH, I would listen and try to play mediator between them and she would do the same for me if it was YS.  If I tried to go to OS with my issues with DIL, two things would happen.  One, OS would put his own spin on it and not relate in a good way what I was trying to say and two, DIL would blow a gasket just simply because I even dared to approach OS with anything, but yet if I tried to approach her directly, she would still blow a gasket because she's not a compromising person.

I think you have to judge who you are dealing with how receptive they would be to whatever approach you take to have any success.  I know I could do it with FDIL, but couldn't do it with DIL. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

artlady

Pen I am in the same situation but reversed as it is DD and SIl. I've not been on here for a long time , just been having too many low days and can't even read other's situation as if depresses me more . I do hope yours gets better and I'll check from time to time in hopes of it doing so then maybe i'll feel hopeful.

luise.volta

AL - I've missed you! Read the success stories, maybe. We have them here. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

I've missed you too AL and I also hate that we have so many hurt for no reason, but it helps me to even read the sad ones because I know I'm not alone and many times when I write a post for someone else, my brain goes "blam", you should do that to.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

artlady

Right now and of late I'm so emotinally drained I can't help anyone not even myself. This to will pass but right now I'm going day by day. Not normal for me as I'm always upbeat even when I'm hurting but I just can't seem to get my "groove" back right now., i think it is just battle fatigue . thanks

Pooh

I just re-read what I wrote, and I didn't mean "YOU" should do that too...I meant I'm writing things that make me realize that "I" should be trying that too.  What a day!

Well you know we are here, and thinking about you.  Do something you enjoy to get yourself out of the rut.  I find when I don't want to do something, if I can just make myself get started, I end up enjoying it.  Find something you love and do it!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

Hey AL,

I was just wondering about you the other day and noticed you hadn't posted for a while.  Hang in there.  We're still here for you.

luise.volta

AL - I don't remember about your physical stamina. For me, at age 85, the only way I am able to function and move through the depression I feel as I slowly lose my husband (it's been 12 years)...is to exercise hard for two hours a day. It's worth it to me. When I am down, life has no flavor and it also seems to have no purpose. Just know that you have people here who understand and care. Always sending love, AL, always...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Kate

I think there are times when it is appropriate for a son to step in when their mother and wife cannot get on.  After being very welcoming when we first met, my (now deceased) MIL was very hostile to me once we became engaged and tried to start an outright war once we were married.  She had done this to his SIL, and SIL became openly hostile in return.  The situation became so toxic that it later broke up the marriage. 

Her problem with me was that I wasn't the right religion, was divorced and had two kids.  DH knew he couldn't let it go on.  He sat both his parents down and told them that he loved them but that he wouldn't have his wife treated this way, that here was an opportunity to welcome his wife as a new daughter, that he had lots of love to give and would not be forced to choose between his parents and his wife.  While it didn't solve the problem entirely, it did limit the nasty remarks somewhat.  If we were visiting and it became too much, I didn't engage with her, I went for a walk.  I got very used to giving a big smile and saying 'I'm going to go for a walk now'.  They probably thought I was some weird fitness freak, but to me it was better than getting caught up in the poison. 

I always wondered how this nasty woman managed to raise two really lovely sons.  Fortunately hubby had some gorgeous aunts to whom he was very close.  They made very wonderful MIL substitutes until the last passed away a couple of years ago.  We saw a lot more of them than we did his parents.  We still miss them.