Not babysitting any more at night when the girls are sleeping

[Smilesback@u]

I might have lost my mind.  I told my DS that when we visit at Thg he will need to plan to get a babysitter so we can all go out together.  I didn't want what happened last visit to happen again.  We did not want to babysit and plans were made without us expecting us to babysit.  So I took back what I have said in the past, that I will babysit every time I visit.  They had a difficult time trusting a babysitter when the girls were little.  I wanted to help them get some couple time.  But now the girls are 3 and 5 and they have been using babysitters, I don't feel I have to babysit.  DS's response really stuck in my throat...*you mean you want me to pay for a babysitter?*  I suppose that was supposed to make me feel that I was insulting him.  I know I am changing what I said I would do whenever we visit but I don't want to babysit anymore...I would like to go out with him and his wife without the girls.  It is not always fun to do things with little kids - it gets boring.  I must have lost my mind??  I could lose contact with the GC --- and I hope it doesn't come to that.  That's out of my hands, but I have my mind made up.  I think I cramp my DSs style, I guess.  I think they can go out when I am not there...and when I am there, we can all go together.  If they don't get a babysitter, then DH and I will go out by ourselves.  Sound good?

[Pen]

Sounds real good! I'm proud of you, Smiles.

[Lillycache]

I told my son last night that I really didn't have a desire to babysit his kids.  Of course that's a moot point because DIL has said that I will get that chance when pigs fly past her bedroom window.   However, I'd be terrified now to watch them.  Heaven forbid if something happened... like someone fell and got hurt...  I'd be crucified.    Small doses of a couple of hours with him there is just fine with me.  I would like to see them more than once every 5 or 6 months though  and let him know that. Of course he promises to bring them to me more often, but I know I will probabley not see them until sometime around the holidays.

[Begonia]

Your posts made me think of all the times my mom babysat for my kids when I would visit on weekends.  She always seemed happy to do so but I wonder if I took advantage of her?  She would never have said anything because at that immature stage in my life I would probably have been in a huff about it. And my mom was not at all upfront about those things. I totally understand not wanting to babysit--at this stage in my life I would have to say no like you have done. Let's hope it all goes smoothly for you. 

[Scoop]

Smiles, I think you should use one of the lines we use here and tell DH that you and DH, and him and DIL were all people before you had kids, and you're still all people and you want to spend time with them as "people", instead of as "Gma & Gpa and Mom & Dad".

If he's worried about the cost, then tell him that will be your ONE restaurant treat of the visit and he can spend "his" money on the babysitter.  (Ooh look, two birds, one stone!)

Or tell him that you'd be willing to scale back the plans, him and DIL can cook supper, and then you guys can go out for drinks or coffee and dessert, your treat!

Or tell him that "times are tough all around" and that given the cost of going out to visit him, you can't afford to spring for a babysitter AND a night out.  And then suggest a "game night" or something at his house, tell him you'll pay for the new game, some snacks and a bottle of booze, and he can cover the mixers, and it'll be FUN and WAY cheaper than paying restaurant prices!

Can you see the common thread?  You're offering POSITIVE suggestions, for ways that you guys can hang out together.  I wouldn't say "or else we'll go out by ourselves", because that's not what you want.

That being said, I can see the worth of YOU "sucking it up" and playing the boring games with the kids.  My Mom has always played with my DD. And my DD LOVES-LOVES-LOVES it!  I know it's not actually FUN for my Mom, but it's the best way for them to bond (for DD's age).   And DD always talks about my Mom and how my Mom *PLAYS* with her.  Seriously Smiles, this could be a way to make a big impact on the Littles.  DS and DIL won't be able to say no when their kids start ASKING about you, and talking about how you played with them.

But you can have it both ways, of course you should be able to go out with DS and DIL while the kids are sleeping.  And if you're completely 'hands-on' when they're awake, DS and DIL will have nothing to complain about.

[Pooh]

That was great Smiles!  And I agree with Scoop...you just opened the door.  I also agree that I wouldn't follow that with "we'll go out ourselves".  Not that you can't on most nights and I would do that to!  I think what she suggested is awesome if he balks.  Then we can do dinner in that night, with all of you.  I'll even cook and bring the stuff, that will be cheaper on us anyway.  Then DH and I can play with the kids while you guys clean up and when you're done, we can all play some games.  Oh to be a fly on the wall.....

[pam1]

It sounds like he is confused because of the prior statements about helping DS/DIL get couple time when you visit.  I like Scoop's suggestions for this. 

[Doe]

.*you mean you want me to pay for a babysitter?* 

I don't know why, but this made me laugh out loud!

I think you should do whatever feels right to you, Smiles, since you're the one who has to carry it through.   You're repositioning yourself, right?  Everyone will need to adjust.  How the parents handle the kids is their responsibility, not yours . They could always bring them along when you all go out and take care of them at the resturant. 

Maybe DH could step up and say something to him/them so you're not always the one who has to establish the boundaries?

[Pen]

That line made me chuckle too, Doe.

I also like Scoop's suggestions & hope you can find one that works for you, Smiles.

[Doe]

I think Scoop's suggestions were good, too, but Smiles could also just smile and shrug and let DS figure out how who will watch his children while he goes out to eat.  It's his job, isn't it?  He can be the daddy and she can be the daddy's mom.

[Smilesback@u]

.*you mean you want me to pay for a babysitter?* 

I don't know why, but this made me laugh out loud! I think you should do whatever feels right to you, Smiles, since you're the one who has to carry it through.   You're repositioning yourself, right?  Everyone will need to adjust.  How the parents handle the kids is their responsibility, not yours . They could always bring them along when you all go out and take care of them at the resturant.  Maybe DH could step up and say something to him/them so you're not always the one who has to establish the boundaries?

I appreciate this *respositioning*, *adjusting* and *parent responsibility*.  Thanks, it really resonates with me.  I do believe this is my responsibility to set clear boundaries with DS, and I can change those boundaries as I need.  This is about relating to us as people in a fair, respectful and polite way.  I might be getting stodgy in my old age, but I didn't raise sons to be discourteous.  Without lecturing them, I can teach them with my actions I think.  And actually, I will buy them more family games to play, as I don't see drinking as sole entertainment.  And I will go out, if they don't include me in their plans.  It is not an or else ultimatum, it is what it is.       

[luise.volta]

Going out makes sense...just keep it as a natural thing and not reactive. No need to announce it. Sending love...

[Smilesback@u]

yes luise, it is only natural as a result of not being invited to go out.  Then we are on our own to do whatever.  I am finding that I have more love these days and less anger.  The anger seems to be their stuff not mine.  And I don't feel responsible for their anger either.  Life changes, and we all want to enjoy our time here on earth at any age 

[luise.volta]

Beautiful, Smiles.

[Footloose]

Smiles, No worries!  I think you actually "found" your mind instead of losing it,  LOL!  Boundaries apply to all of us, even the older ones! We can set them and change them at will just like they can and do. We are all human and respect is universal.  At least it should be in a perfect world.

Hugs for you!