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Torn how to help my 2 GC

Started by BoxofChocolates, August 20, 2012, 07:51:25 pm

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August 20, 2012, 07:51:25 pm Last Edit: August 21, 2012, 06:56:52 am by Pooh
Here goes...I will try to make this short.

My middle daughter, 30, had an affair with her husband's best friend, and his wife was also my daughter's friend. The wife was battling cancer and has 3 small children. We didn't find out the truth until several months into it and then all he-- broke loose. My daughter had been lying to everyone, including us, and even wanted us to help her pay for a divorce. When I finally figured out what was really going on (very complicated) I got so angry I couldn't see straight! 3 times she left the boyfriend and asked her husband to forgive her and all the while my 2 GC (ages 5 and 11) were getting so confused, "is daddy here now? or is the boyfriend?" I had to confront her and she was demanding that I give her unconditional love and support. Well, suffice it so say I told her I loved her, but I sure didn't like or respect her anymore. "what are you THINKING? and what ARE you doing to these kids?"

Well, now the divorce is final, my daughter has moved in with the boyfriend (not divorced yet) and the house is truly, truly like a dump as bad as anything in the slums of L.A.

My 2 GC are very close to me, but we had to get an attorney to have Grandparents Visitation because DD said I could never see my GD again (she is not the natural child of the ex-hubby).

We won the case, yet now the drama continues as she does not take care of them as she used to, she deals with the boyfriend's 3 kids, and has my Gkids 3 days of the week too. My GD is starting to really open up to me about things, very angry with her mother, and now is revealing how the boyfriend yells at her at no more than a foot from her face. She says she doesn't go to sleep until 2 am many nights because of all the spiders on the walls around her bed. Her mom has bought her no clothes for school, she is wearing what she had a year ago and are very tight on her now.

Each year my hubby and I buy her new clothes for school as she never has had a real daddy and we did the same this year. However, we only let her have them at her stepfather's when he has custody, or when she is with us. I will not help my daughter when she has thrown so much away, treats these kids like they are animals now that the boyfriend is more important.

There is much more going on, but at this point, we are going back to the attorney with tape recordings and my ex SIL, to see what can be done before we go as far as CPS. I feel the BF is potentially abusive, obviously he is intimidating and verbally abusive. My GD says her mom doesn't say anything, just lets the BF do the bossing.

It breaks my heart, yet I am blessed my dear GD trusts to talk to me. So.....on to the attorney we go. At this point, I am disowning my DD as she has even called the police on us in the past for no reason and hauled the GD out of here with them. Later it was found she had lied to the police.

I guess I'm just venting...but if anyone has a similar story or suggestions, bring them on. I would like to see my ex SIL get full custody at this point. He has the home, cooks for those kids, takes them out to have fun and we all get together often just to hang out. He has been a son to me and we have helped each other through all this.

I do praise God for the blessings in spite of the hurt and stress. :-
I know I loved them the best I knew how.


I think you are doing the right thing by going back to the attorney to see what you can do.  Glad the GC have you on their side.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


August 21, 2012, 07:20:38 am #2 Last Edit: August 21, 2012, 01:32:09 pm by Pooh
Thanks Pooh, I think I am doing the right thing. No one else is here to fight for the kids and that's the bottom line. My daughter may see it as me trying to hurt her but that isn't it at all. It may in fact be the only thing that finally wakes her up. She's a grown woman, to protect her is not my job anymore.

I see my GD getting into the 'tweens' and if she were to talk back to the boyfriend finally, who knows if he would hit her? It feels weird recording what she says, but it's the only proof I have of what is going on in that house. I tread carefully so as not to 'bait' her or influence what she says...I just wait for her to talk and then start recording. I have told her she is being recorded so her 'daddy' will know what is going on as she isn't as comfortable talking to a man as she is me.

I pray for wisdom and strength in all of this. And I firmly believe that Truth will prevail.
I know I loved them the best I knew how.


It always breaks my heart to hear children being treated like you say here.  I was a foster Mom for many years and have heard way too many of these stories.

I think you are doing the right thing.  Unfortunately, unless something concrete happens there is not much you can do, other then what you are doing.  It's not easy to prove verbal abuse, but if there are bruises there are maybe more options. That is the sad part.

Good luck and strength to you and the GK.
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.


It's good that she only has them 3 days a week.   The only advice I have is to really shore them up when they are with you and help them and the SIL all you can.  The 11yo is old enough for you to tell her that she needs to lay low when she is with her mom/her BF and watch out for the little one.

Would it be possible to keep some clothes at school for her to change into she has to wear old ones when she's with her mom?  Maybe letting the teachers/counselors in on what is going on would be a good idea so they can keep their eyes open.


Good idea Doe! I'll talk to their dad about the school knowing about the clothes...hopefully they will be decent there and not inform their mother??? I'm so mistrusting anymore.  >:(

And yes, telling my GD to 'lay low' and all, I have. She's smart as a whip! When all is said and done, that little girl is gonna give her mom a run for her money because she knows she can run to her Grammy and Papa! LOL.
I know I loved them the best I knew how.