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It makes me Sad

Started by SCW, August 20, 2012, 08:13:42 AM

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SCW

I have been reading here daily.  I have not been posting because I don't know what to say.  I would love to have some wise words of wisdom or soft words of comfort but truth be told, I need those myself.

I have been going crazy trying to keep myself busy in spite of all the physical and emotional pain.  Went to an Eagle Scout Court of Honor this weekend 6 boys.  This is unheard of, for boys who have come up through Scouting.  I also walked with DH and YS in a walk for Autism.  Hubby pushed me in my chair while we went side by side with thousands of other families to raise funds for research. 

It was hard at these events for me, like at most things, to watch the parents with their children, who are so close and nurturing, and loving.  I wonder still how I can "fix" this mess.  I saw the Scouts who hugged their parents, and the parents, so proud of their boys.  I told DH "This makes me so sad"  Missing what I do not have, and still grieving.  I can't avoid these places like a parent who has all grown children.

I was told I need intensive Chronic pain rehab.  3 weeks of 9 hours/day of medical treatment, for all of the issues related to my pain.  Doc said I am really good at hiding my depression, and my anxiety is through the roof, I may just explode some day.  Even so, I am afraid I will have to face these hidden issues and when they come to the surface, I will fall so deep that I can't come back out of the pit.

I hate being here!  I hate what my love for my AC has done to me! I hate how it is probably affecting my YS and my relationship with the precious 11 year old. I do not know how to deal with this alone, DH is very caring, but not what I need.  I try to hide it all from him, so I do not burden him as well.

I have cut off facebook, texting, writing, everything with them.  I feel like an alien when I think about their world, their babies, what they may be doing.  I know I must be indifferent with them, when I see them...which is not often.  Where can I find happiness?  How do I get to peace?  I know it will come in tiny increments, but they are not enough....not yet.

It all just makes me so sad.
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.
Junvenal

Elise

I have no words of wisdom to offer you.  I do hear you though and think of you and keep you in my thoughts and try to send light your way. I think keeping busy is probably a good thing, yet sometimes I know I have had to just turn and face my 'black beast', wrestle it to the ground and therein came some healing and peace for me. That is me though and I do not know what may work for you at this crisis point.  The physical and emotional pain must be very hard to handle in tandem, am glad you are seeing your doctor to try to improve what you can as one may exacerbate the other.  Hugs to you.

capoly

Am new to the site so my steps are near non-existent....but for this moment I can stand next to you with the hope that an understanding shoulder will lift some of your pain.  So wish there was more.....

luise.volta

You are here and we care. The aloneness of deeply painful unfulfilled expectations can do us in until we change our expectations. My take is that we all seem to have to work through that differently. I started a gratitude list to shift my focus off what I hated after I read that where we focus expands. At first it was pretty nebulous...and I had to really reach..."I'm grateful the sun came up?" Eventually, the list started to grow and so did I. Now, when I state my list twice a day out loud, I always end with..."And I am so grateful that I can feel so grateful." It took a while but everything has changed and my heart sings. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Begonia

SCW: Yes, a painful place (both emotionally and physically) can zap all our energy.  It is really easy to give into it and feel hopeless but we do have a choice about lemons or lemonaid, hard as that seems. 

Two quotes I heard on Oprah (I think).
Expectation is a resentment waiting to happen
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different

Strength to you.  Do one thing that is powerful today, even if that means canceling a credit card, writing a thank you note, calling someone who would love to hear your voice, saying "I love you" to someone who loves you back.  Hugs to you. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Scoop

SCW, I'm sorry about the position that you're in.

Also, I think there's an important difference between being "indifferent" and being "detached".  Indifferent would imply that you don't care (when you obviously do), but detached means that you don't let it affect you.  So don't try to say "who cares? not me!" when these occasions come up, try and say "That's really too bad, but it's not my problem."


SCW

Quote from: Begonia on August 20, 2012, 09:47:02 AM
Two quotes I heard on Oprah (I think).
Expectation is a resentment waiting to happen
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different

Strength to you.  Do one thing that is powerful today, even if that means canceling a credit card, writing a thank you note, calling someone who would love to hear your voice, saying "I love you" to someone who loves you back.  Hugs to you.

Thank you all for your precious words.  I know there is no answer, I just need to face this.  Go into that pit and fight the demons, then climb back up to the sunlight.  It just makes me so afraid to think about that fight.  I try to be motivated and cheerful and positive.  It creeps back and I do not see it coming.  It really was a great weekend for example, but it was there, that feeling that I am missing out on something special.  So today, with little man back in school, I am home alone to face these monsters, and not hide them away in a closet in my mind. 

I know the past could not be changed, I have forgiven my AC for the way they continue to...I guess....to ignore me now.  I have made my share of the mistakes in the past and not being forgiven by them is painful.  Knowing they are hurting in any way, well, what mother wants to hurt her babies?  Out of all of this I have to forgive myself, which I thought I had...but now I'm not so sure.

I have done something today, I am trying (despite all of the paperwork) to register YS for his new school system.  He attends a school specifically for kids on the autism spectrum, but we moved and I have to get him into this public school system. 

So, do I allow myself to wallow for awhile?  Let myself feel this pain and then at some point today get up and wash my face and move on?  I have only an hour or so left to cry and then it's back to real life.  We WILL celebrate the first day of school. 

I just feel like I am in this dark place right now.   
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.
Junvenal

luise.volta

Of course you get to wallow. That's the only way "though" that I know of. Just don't get stuck there because you deserve so much better and only you can give it to yourself. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

So sorry SCW.  I want you to keep something in mind while you are struggling through this.  Although you have issues with the AC, it is more than likely your chronic pain that is making it so hard for you to deal with it.  I'm not even going to pretend to know how you feel but with my chronic pain issues that I have, it gets to me at times.  I get into a mood where everything in the world is wrong.  It wouldn't matter if someone gave me a $20 dollar bill for nothing, I would be wanting to know why it wasn't a $100.  That is so out of character for me and it's at those times that I have to make myself step back and find my center again.  I have to recognize that it is totally normal for a chronic pain sufferer to go through these bouts of depression and loneliness.  It's at those times that I find I push my DH away.

Find your center SCW.  Look for those things that make you happy and do some things for yourself.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

SCW

Thank you Pooh.
You make an excellent point.
I will try to find my center.  I have left a message to make my appointment, which looks like CPR deals with all things physical and psychological.   
I will write down things that I am thankful for right now.
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.
Junvenal

Ruth

I had to go back to the beginning, SCW, and read your first post, to get my gears turning, but I immediately remembered you.  I am still here.  Still have a big soft shoulder, also.  First of all, I know where you're coming from.  You may remember me in that I confessed to you long ago of having moved away from my DS after remarriage and leaving him behind (at his own choice) with his DF.  Now, I want to tell you that there is hope, and you can get loose from this torture you're going through.  First of all, you've already admitted to yourself and (more than one other person!) that you made a mistake, and that if you had it to do over you'd do things differently.  Don't spend too long there, I suspect you've already talked or written to you AC about this, and you don't need to stay there which is what I suspect you're doing.  You have some kind of distorted thinking that if you just stay there long enough, you can turn back the clock and fix it.  I know because this is what I did also.  It is subconscious, but its powerful.  So you have to next admit to yourself that you are a human being, and human beings make mistakes.  At that point, you can start being more compassionate toward yourself and cut yourself some slack.  I know its an overworked phrase, but you have to try and be as good to yourself as you would a friend who was walking in your shoes, and reached out to you for help.  After I did these steps, the torture eased up a little on me, and then my mind cleared up enough for me to do some constructive thinking and begin to peel off layers that lead toward the truth.  Now, I still have some very bad days.  This weekend I took a little of a back set and began to second guess myself again, sometimes just the smallest comment I might read can set me off in the wrong direction, i.e. hating myself and blaming myself for everything.  Now I know that I am to blame for some things, but not to blame for everything.  Now that my DS is a big grown up man, I hold him to blame when he is rude to me, or chooses to say or do things that hurt me.  I really work at accepting that he doesn't have the wherewithall to cultivate a close relationship with me, nor the desire.  Nothing I could have ever done differently in the past would have, or could have, changed his personality and his natural bent.  I suspect this kind of thing lies at the root of a lot of the estrangements here.  There's not a mother or a family on earth who haven't made enough mistakes to bring on an estrangement, its just that most people want relationship and reconciliation, so they forgive and move on.  Some people don't.  They are too stubborn and selfish, and they like to punish others..... Now, and finally, I am living a new life.  I consider the past as history.  Twenty plus years was enough suffering.  If any one thinks I didn't suffer enough, I will be happy to enlighten them.  I didn't get a free lunch, as I'm sure you didn't.  I don't have to account for the past anymore.  That isn't who I am now.  If my AC want to get to know me as I am now, a more mature Mom with a much broader and more unselfish perspective on life, they have the choice to do so.  But I am spreading myself out, finding new volunteer opportunities to work with the elderly, which is my passion, and hope it may even lead to some kind of a new career for me, who knows.  I have given my life over to the care of God, and as long as he is pleased with me, that is all that really matters.  Loving others and being kind, doing acts of kindness to those who can't help themselves, pleases God.  So I am happy now.  You can be happy also.  You have to be brave and allow those layers to peel off.

SCW

Ruth,

I read your post hours ago, yesterday afternoon.  I wanted to let it sit, let it soak in for awhile before I responded.  I do remember you telling me about your situation and how I felt I had a "big sister" to look to with an all to similar story.  I will remember this for sure now. 

I do admit I made mistakes, I do not dwell there but I am reminded of this from time to time, I have to admit.  And when I am, it still hurts pretty bad.  I have lived in this guilty state for so long I don't think I know how to give myself permission to live a normal life.  In fact I have accepted the fact that (along with the CP) This is my normal.  I think in order to grant myself that permission I have to forget that mindset and find a more acceptable normal.  I just do not remember how to find that place. 

I appreciate that you took the time to outline the steps that you had to take to get to a place where you seem more contented.  It shows me that it can be a goal of mine, too. 

Quote from: Ruth on August 20, 2012, 01:27:14 PM
I suspect this kind of thing lies at the root of a lot of the estrangements here.  There's not a mother or a family on earth who haven't made enough mistakes to bring on an estrangement, its just that most people want relationship and reconciliation, so they forgive and move on.  Some people don't.  They are too stubborn and selfish, and they like to punish others.....

This says so much!
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.
Junvenal

Pooh

SCW, my MD gave me a bunch of resources to read when I was diagnosed.  One of the best ones he gave me was some resources to deal with depression living with chronic pain.  This article one has been one of my favorites.  Although it is talking about my specific disease, it deals with chronic pain in general and has some great tips and ways to deal with it.  It also pretty much goes into everything you put in your post.

Click on number 6: (Psychological Impact of Scleroderma) and just ignore the references to my specific disease and insert yourself there  ;D

http://www.hopkinsscleroderma.org/patients/living-scleroderma/
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Ruth

I know you find it impossible to believe this now, but even as we (write) it is changing for you.  It moves slowly like the earth on its axis, and you aren't even aware that the days are lengthening and the seasons are changing, but I promise you, Precious One, it will be a while but you will wake up one morning and think that you are different, that life is different.  There  will be a new normal, but this is a good thing.  I honestly believe you've taken the steps and you just now have to have faith and wait.  The best thing you can do to make it move along is to help  other people, however that takes shape for you.  I don't think the sadnesses or disappointments ever totally go away and even if they did life has a way of presenting us new ones on a regular basis, but maybe our inside, our heart, is changing into a shape that can contain it better, at any rate, once you get free from that old guilt and remorse, you won't ever have to go back there again.  The bottom line is that I no longer expect myself to live a flawless life, I know that I am a human being and mistakes happen, it  doesn't define who I am.  My faith has changed all that.  I am honored to just be your sister. 

SCW

Thank You Pooh, I will read this when I can get myself together enough to be logical about what I read.

Ruth, I read your words and I am in tears, I have reentered my faith recently, but have as of yet had any grand awakenings.  I know that is on my higher powers terms.  I have also begun to work with a political group, scouting at the local level and beyond.  I try to smile and say hello to all of the people I see in my building, they are a large percentage seniors.  I have however been neglecting a senior woman whom I love so much, at my old building.  Close personal relationships are not my strong suit any more.  I think I am afraid to loose love after having lost it and failed at it so many times.  (The old I will leave you before you leave me syndrome)  As soon as I post this I will be emailing her.  This is how we communicate, besides being in each others company. 

In the mean time I will wait, I will work on myself by getting into the CPR (Chronic Pain rehab)  hopefully sooner rather then later.  Maybe they can help me face this pain in a constructive way.   I will read, here, where so many wonderful women are united with a common heart.  I will wipe my tears as many times as is necessary, and put on the happy face the world is allowed to see. 

I do so love and respect the women here.  I appreciate your words and take them all in.
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.
Junvenal