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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


New post for "DAYBYDAY"

Started by Marilyn, May 01, 2010, 06:46:30 AM

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Pen

Hope, I was just thinking the same thing about you. Plus, you have such a kind and thoughtful manner. Love ya!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Hope

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Love makes the world go round.  Thanks, Pen.  Love 'ya, too!!!!!! 

And that goes for you other wonderful women as well.

luise.volta

That's wonderful! Yes, love is highly contagious! Sending tons of it!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Marilyn

Sending love to every one too :)

This forum has really been a blessing !

I am soooooooo much stronger,it really helps keep me moving forward.

dirtyglassgrl

Daybyday, I am very sorry for the circumstances you are in.  It sounds to me like you always tried to do the best you could.  I have been around a domestic violence shelter in the past and I really feel that you woud benefit from some counseling from a place like that.  Sometimes when women are stuck in unhealthy relationships with bad spouses, they come to be victimized twice, once by the perpetrator of the abuse and then again by their adult children who can not understand why the woman did have the safety or resources to leave sooner.  This causes great resentment in the adult children and sometimes a lack of respect of sympathy for the mother who was belitted and kept down.  I think it is sad.  I feel sad for your children that the dysfunction is clearly causing them so much pain and hostility to this day.  And I feel very sad for you that you did struggle but still did your best only to have to be called out years later for things your spouses did.  If you could do a family session with a counselor that would be great but if not go for yourself.  You do not deserve to be treated badly anymore.  But disharmony in the home does leave profound scars that can fester into resentment and anger.  Stay here and join us, we are all here for similiar reasons, we all want love, answers and acceptance. 

cremebrulee

Quote from: Mominwaiting on May 01, 2010, 05:44:33 PM
Glitterati,that makes so much sense.I do believe you could be right.

Now i'm wondering,if maybe thats whats wrong with my OS.My ex is an alcoholic,and was abusive.
I never said bad things to my kids about him,and we never fought in front of them.But it still effected them.When i went to counseling,to help me get thru the divorce.I told the counsler,the kids keep asking me questions,and i did not want to tell them bad things about thier father.He told me,if they ask,tell them,do not enable him.Boy was i shocked at what they knew,i didn't know how much they picked up on.They were grown,18 and 22.And my OS had caught his Dad,having an affair.He was in so much pain,and really needed to talk to me about it.

But what i'm wondering now,after what you wrote.My son is an outstanding Father,i admire him so much.Do you think he could be mad at me now,for staying with his father so long.I thought i was doing the right thing,trying to keep my family together.I was so beat down,no self esteem from the abuse,and in denial.

I hope thats not the case,i pray thats not it.

but i do feel he picked an abuser because of me,and that i feel awful about!

Mom,
maybe your son is upset with you for staying so long with an abuser, maybe not...why don't you plan some me time with your son and ask him? 

I don't believe people think and feel and do things for one reason, but many....

but I believe it would be very important to sit down and discuss this with son...

cremebrulee

Daybyday...I am so so sorry for your pain, and for what you've been through...

we are a product of our choices...and I'm wondering if you chose these husbands b/c you were abused as a child in some way...if maybe one of your parents put you down constantly and you just didn't feel you deserved any better....?  When your used to being treated like this from little on up, and you date someone who is nice to you, somehow, we feel uncomfortable with that.

My one girlfriend had such a bad father, God he used to beat her up and put her down constantly...her marriages were like yours...very emotionally and physically abusive.  ONe day a few years ago, she called me and simply mentioned, that her neighbor was trying to match her up with a man in her community.  She said, he's just to nice a guy...and that's when I jumped in and said....Yanno, girlfriend...your so used to being threated badly that anything good doesn't feel right to you...it's uncomfortable...and then said to her, "I wouldn't give up on this man, I'd stick my toes in and try the waters, you might like what you find", she did, and they're married today.

I made some very unwise choices when it came to men/love...and it was for those reasons....

Daybyday...why don't you try counseling...and getting involved in positive things, positive friends...not people who are having severe problems....but people who are positive in they're way of thinking....do things for you....and let this work through a course of it's own...in the meantime, counseling might help you see a whole new world....

You can't control what your kids think and feel, but someday, they will realize they were so wrong....I don't know when that day will come...and let me tell you, as I read your story, it was emotinally upsetting...that one husband of yours was terrible...the one that the kids have gravitated to....

He will show his true colors, all in good time....right now, what you need to do, is don't base your life and happiness on your children...they are all grown up now and have to make they're own lives...and you need to create a new life for yourself....seek out positive sources...and plan special things and "me" time for you....don't depend on others to make you happy, you need to do that for yourself....in whatever way you can...but I would firmly suggest counseling and to stay away from negative people who have really severe problesm...you can't fix them for them...you have to consentrate on self first...

Hugs and sending love
Creme

luise.volta

That's so true, we can't fix anyone. Much of our suffering is about not wanting things to be the way they are and fixing another person seems to be the action of choice. It just doesn't work.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

May 11, 2010, 05:15:32 AM #23 Last Edit: May 11, 2010, 05:20:23 AM by cremebrulee
You are so correct...I just cannot believe it took me so much of my life to figure it out...I swear...and believe me I'm just kidding...but I swear, people should have to take a test before becoming parents....
I'm thinking of my own maternal mother when I say this....

I will say this over and over again, until the day I die...but my foster mother was an angel...she took me on when I was 5 years old...she liked me then...and something make her mother me for all of my life...if it were not for her positive influence, I would be a mess today...my maternal mother is so severely dysfunctional....and was all her life...she is sometimes out of touch with reality...it scares me....she is a cruel mean person...I saw her do things to my last step father who was a decent man....that I cannot forgive her for....while he was dying, she was so mean to him....I guess I can forgive her for what she did to me, but I can't ever forget how horriblely nasty she was to him...I knew him all my life, he was the kindest man..and I dread to think about her hitting him....I know she hit her first and second husband...she hates everyone, everyone is no good....and now, she has no friends, just me...and she still rejects me....however, I just feel sorry for her...I can't love her....she is my mother and if it wouldn't be for her, I would have never known this gift of life, however, I just cannot love her...my foster mother did so much for me....in ways my real mother would and could never understand....and yet, my real mother hates my foster mom...and once, my real mother was in the hospital, 3 times in one year...my foster mom and her husband, went to the store that we shopped at and gave them money, so we could continue to do our grocery shopping for 6 weeks, until my mother was able to get back to work, and then, they paid our rent, and they did this anyonomously...I can't believe my real mother doesn't realize who did this for her...and yet she hates them??????  The only person I've ever heard her NOT say anything bad about was her mother???  She really did love her mother....but what snapped in her, I will never know...she has always been so out of touch with the real world...and so very narcissistic....it's all about her, she doesn't stop talking from the time you go thru her door, she immediately starts in when you ask her, "how are you"  Boy its difficult to visit her, and she has no clue as to how abnormal she is?  She is the only one in the world that suffered such horrible things....no one has ever experienced her pains and woes....and yet, the woman will probably outlive me????LOL

The odd thing is, my cousin's mother is the very same....so she and I think, however my mother is, it's learned behavior...my cousin will not and has not spoken to her mother for 15 - 20 years now, and she feels I should do the same.  Believe me, I've wanted to, but I can't....I'm all she has...and although I don't visit her as much as I should...I can't just leave her?  I would never invite her to a family dinner if other people are there b/c how she talks is embarrassing...highly embarrassing...I'm not looking for validation for not going there as much as I should...what happens is, when I go there, and she starts in, well, she is sometimes so illogical I loose my temper...and argue with her a little...and I'm ashamed I do this, and have talked to my cousin who is a minister about this...he said, I have to forgive her....in order to hold my tongue...sometimes I can, other times, I can't.  But when I can't I feel awful when I leave and I say things to myself like, "Geeze, what is the matter with you...why do you argue with her, you know your not going to get anywhere!"  What she does is so manipulative...she cries wolf for attention....half the time you don't know what to believe, and her stories change...she forgets what she tells everyone...It's all so bizzare....

I just hope you can see why and how my foster mother saved my life...I could be just like her....and I'm so thankful to God for my foster mother and her influence...my real mother should have never been a parent...from the time I was very little she used to tell me, how she could have given me up and how she didn't and because of me, she had to work very hard her whole life and that was my fault...I do know it wasn't...but when I was a kid, it used to really hurt me very much. 

I thought a lot about my foster mom on mother's day...I really really miss her....and ya want to know the best part of this...there was nothing ever done legally....child services never took me away from my real mother, (she was so good at manipulation, that everyone thought she was a great person, they didn't know she was beating me up)  my foster mom, lived across the street from us...and she just used to let me play with her daughter, who was much younger then me...and I started hanging out there, and used to tell her daughter about my mom....they didn't believe me, until her daughter saw things my mom said and did and took it home to her parents...and then they talked to me and told me, I could be there as much as I wanted...that I should try and be there as much as I could...so I was...slept there a lot...ate there....my real mother had to work 2 jobs to keep food ont he table...I was alone at a very young age then...I did a lot of the cooking and cleaning...and also grocery shopping...my real mother made me, but I remember not minding at all...my foster mom, used to make time for me, listen to me...and advise me....she helped me through all this...and I'd follow her around like a puppy dog, praying to God to never let me be like my real mother...Can you ever begin to imagine how lucky I was...who put this woman there to watch over me?  She used to pat me on the head all the time and smile while saying...ahhhh, your a very special girl...God has his eyes on you! 

so, when I divorced and moved home, in the apartment above her, in her home, the home I grew up in, I stayed...it was supposed to be for only a short time, however, the longer I stayed, the more she needed me there, and I decided, I'd stay for the duration...it was very difficult, as any of you know, as a caregiver, the older they get, the more contradictive she got...however, she was in need..and I wasn't with anyone, nor did I have a desire to be, therefore, I felt, what else would I be doing...besides, I felt I owed her...so much more then I gave her.  There were times we argued...she was so hard headed and she'd never lock er door, there were times, I'd go to work in tears, worried about her...and I can't tell you how many times I cussed her kids out for not coming around and doing things for her.  IN the end, the last 3 years, I kept her garden up and did all the trimming..flowers made her very happy....she couldn't see them as good anymore, but I put them in b/c she'd know they were there....she was so naieve and trusting....and one of the most wonderful women I've ever known....and I miss her dearly...she was not just a mom, but my bestest friend, there isn't anything she didn't know about me...and I never heard her say one bad thing about anyone...

Sheesh, sorry for the rant...I've just been thinking a lot about her of late...and missing her I guess....

but I want to say something that I've been thinking about for a long time, but was afraid to vocalize...if you take a good long look at all of us...and please don't be insulted, but it makes sense....all of us here, in some ways, have had difficult childhoods or adulthoods, and I'm wondering if that doesn't help to factor in our sensitivities to our DIL's?  You have to admit...and the same for DIL's who are having problems with they're MIL's....I think we should at least consider the fact that it might factor into the equasion?  Might help? 

Creme

RedRose

Creme,

She sounds like a wonderful lady and you were lucky to have her in your life.
And she was lucky to have you Creme...you have such a big heart !!

cremebrulee

Quote from: RedRose on May 11, 2010, 05:31:04 AM
Creme,

She sounds like a wonderful lady and you were lucky to have her in your life.
And she was lucky to have you Creme...you have such a big heart !!

I never thought of it like that Red Rose?  thank you, very much....


luise.volta

Well, I can't type when I'm weeping but  that was so beautiful!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama