New post for "DAYBYDAY"

[Marilyn]

Welcome DAYBYDAY,i started a new post for you,i could not respond to your original post.I think its locked.

Your story is just HEART BREAKING,and i truly understand the pain you feel.It is like a death,and you have both your children putting you thru this.I know at times it probably is unbearable.You will get so much support,love and compassion here.You will not have to go thru this alone.

You sound like a very remarkable,loving,caring,excellent mother.Hold on to those thoughts!
You did the best you could do.

We are here for you,post away,and know we truly care.


Sending Love and big hugs

[Hope]

MIW, Can you help me find the original post by Daybyday?  I don't know what it's about and I can't find it.   As usual, I'm lost.  Thanks.

[Hope]

Found it in Open me First!  I'm quoting it below and commenting under the quote:


My adult children won't have anything to do with me.
« on: Today at 03:52:42 AM »

Hello, and first of all, a great big thank you for being here. 
My 36 year old daughter and 40 year old son have now chosen to wipe me from their lives.  The pain I am feeling over this is indescribable – I know that all too many of you understand what I mean.  In a nutshell, they say I was a bad mother, and that its not fair that they 'have to live with my bad choices'.  Partly this is because I have been married three times, and their three 'fathers' have all ultimately chosen to abandon them after the marriages were over.

I first married at 16, pregnant of choice, had my second child at 19, and was divorced at 21.  My husband was violent, sadistic, and enjoyed sleeping around, particularly while I was pregnant.  Since we first separated, while they were still babies, he has never paid a cent in child support, nor had any involvement in their lives.  When they were young teenagers, I got back in touch with him at my children's request and arranged for them to meet.  From that day they worshipped him.  It didn't take him long to fill their heads with his vicious lies and wildly distorted half truths, and I have evermore been faced with their anger and allegations. 
A couple of years ago, when my daughter was accusing me of holding a grudge against him, I finally told her some of the things he had done.  This included hanging my two year old son upside down by his ankles out over a second floor balcony, squashing my pet dog's toes with a pair of pliers to make it scream in pain so I would open the door to him so he could beat me, king hitting me in the face and breaking my nose, then tearing my terrified baby from my arms as I tried to escape, and punching me in the stomach when I was pregnant with my daughter, because in his twisted mind he'd chosen to believe his baby was someone else's.

She brought this up in the last conversation we had, claiming "No daughter should ever have to hear this!  You had no right to tell me!"  I tried to explain that I needed her to understand why I had so much anger towards him, and she said "Get out of my house!"  I haven't seen her since.

My children were raised on a farm.  They had plenty of stuff – toys, motorbikes, horses, a good social life.  They were tucked in and read to in bed every night, cuddled and kissed and encouraged and applauded.  I cheered them from the sidelines at sport, supported them in scouts and brownies, paid for years of music lessons and swimming club. I sat for hours by their hospital and sick beds.  I taught them to swim, to knit, to sew, to cook, to garden.  I helped them with homework.  I drove them to sleepovers, parties, dances, and later to and from work.  I comforted and reassured them whenever they were frightened, in pain or just plain sad.  I tried to make their lives as pleasant and painless and worthwhile as I humanly could.  I didn't believe in physical punishment.  I taught them right from wrong, and to respect and have compassion for the human race.

My second husband turned out to be violent also.  He hit me where the bruises wouldn't show.  He was an expert in emotional blackmail too.  He quickly became 'Daddy' to my two infant children.  After we married, I discovered that he was a strict disciplinarian, and took a leather belt to my children when he felt they needed to be punished.  When I tried to stop him, he responded by declaring if I interfered, then he would have nothing more to do with them.  To punish me for 'interfering', he would totally ignore them for weeks on end, push them away shouting "I'm not your father!" when they tried to approach him; absolutely refuse to acknowledge their presence.  I stayed with him for thirteen years because society said I should.  I thought (wrongly) that having a father was better than no father at all.  I finally left after having a complete physical and mental breakdown that put me in hospital for three weeks.

My third husband was basically a good man, but we grew apart.  I chose him because he was so opposite to my two previous husbands.  But the price for this was that he was totally lacking in emotion, passion and enthusiasm, and hated it whenever I displayed any of these traits myself.  I was so stifled I felt close to asphyxiation.  He was good to my children, and they thought well of him.  He went through a midlife crisis and decided to leave and go interstate to work, leaving me alone.  Of course, my children hold me responsible.

I am writing this hoping someone can help me find a way to ease the agony I'm feeling.  This feels like grief on a massive scale.  Just reading what I've written here has helped.  When I see the mother I was to my children written down, I know I can't have been all bad.  Why can't they see this?
   
Daybyday,
I can't even imagine going through what you have gone through.  I wouldn't do you justice in way of advise, but I can offer you support and a listening ear.  It's great that you have this forum to turn to and pour out your heart.  We are here for you!  I'm so thankful you found the courage to leave your abusive husbands.  It's sad that you lived through that, but you did your best to be a great mom and it sounds like you have managed very well on your own.  In my heart I believe that your children are going through an adjustment having the father they always wondered about in their lives.  I think if you give them the time they need to really access the situation (no one really knows how long that will take) they will come to their senses and see you for the person you are and for what you have been to them all their lives.  Their father's true colors will eventually shine through and they will see him for what he really is.  Hang in there..........better times will come.  Hugs, Hope

[1Glitterati]

Welcome DAYBYDAY,i started a new post for you,i could not respond to your original post.I think its locked.

Your story is just HEART BREAKING,and i truly understand the pain you feel.It is like a death,and you have both your children putting you thru this.I know at times it probably is unbearable.You will get so much support,love and compassion here.You will not have to go thru this alone.

You sound like a very remarkable,loving,caring,excellent mother.Hold on to those thoughts!
You did the best you could do.

We are here for you,post away,and know we truly care.


Sending Love and big hugs

From her original post it seems both kids are upset about the spouses she chose and how it affected them.  Obviously whatever went down was pretty profound if both kids feel that way.

Does that diminish her hurt?  No, not at all.  Seems to me she's focusing on the good and they're focusing on the bad.  Maybe she feels there was more good than bad and they feel there was more bad than good?  I dunno...but it seems they are all in pain.

[Marilyn]

From her original post it seems both kids are upset about the spouses she chose and how it affected them.  Obviously whatever went down was pretty profound if both kids feel that way.

Does that diminish her hurt?  No, not at all.  Seems to me she's focusing on the good and they're focusing on the bad.  Maybe she feels there was more good than bad and they feel there was more bad than good?  I dunno...but it seems they are all in pain.

Glitterati,could it be the exhusband is telling daughter it was wrong to tell her that kind of stuff?

[1Glitterati]

From her original post it seems both kids are upset about the spouses she chose and how it affected them.  Obviously whatever went down was pretty profound if both kids feel that way.

Does that diminish her hurt?  No, not at all.  Seems to me she's focusing on the good and they're focusing on the bad.  Maybe she feels there was more good than bad and they feel there was more bad than good?  I dunno...but it seems they are all in pain.

Glitterati,could it be the exhusband is telling daughter it was wrong to tell her that kind of stuff?

I really don't think that's it...but that's just me.  I do think it's possible that the kids deified their father because they don't remember what an abuser he was.  Seems to me they've only seen him as "Good Time Charlie" and haven't seen any of his "warts" or what lies beneath the surface.  Because I can tell you---abusers don't change.  Ever.

She did say that all of her husbands were abusive in some way...be it physical or emotional.  Kids see that stuff.  They take it all in.  They hold on to it.  They hold it against you.  It's human nature.

As i said before...maybe they're remembering things as more bad than good.  Maybe she's remembering more good than bad.

I do think we can all come to a point in our lives where, even if we don't forgive them, we understand the choices our parents made.  I've reached a few realizations about my parents like that.  I think most of us do.  Maybe her kids haven't got there yet.

I'm not saying she deserves what's happening.  I am not saying that at all.  I do think that because it's both kids doing the same thing that they might have some legitimate issues they need to work through in regards to thing that happened when they were kids.

[Marilyn]

Glitterati,that makes so much sense.I do believe you could be right.

Now i'm wondering,if maybe thats whats wrong with my OS.My ex is an alcoholic,and was abusive.
I never said bad things to my kids about him,and we never fought in front of them.But it still effected them.When i went to counseling,to help me get thru the divorce.I told the counsler,the kids keep asking me questions,and i did not want to tell them bad things about thier father.He told me,if they ask,tell them,do not enable him.Boy was i shocked at what they knew,i didn't know how much they picked up on.They were grown,18 and 22.And my OS had caught his Dad,having an affair.He was in so much pain,and really needed to talk to me about it.

But what i'm wondering now,after what you wrote.My son is an outstanding Father,i admire him so much.Do you think he could be mad at me now,for staying with his father so long.I thought i was doing the right thing,trying to keep my family together.I was so beat down,no self esteem from the abuse,and in denial.

I hope thats not the case,i pray thats not it.

but i do feel he picked an abuser because of me,and that i feel awful about!

[luise.volta]

These things are so terribly complex and multi-sided. And yet there is something so therapeutic about being able to share and find others that care. It doesn't change the circumstances or dynamics but I believe it helps heal broken hearts. Sending love...

[Marilyn]

Thank you luise,i need all the love i can get.


I'm so sorry DAYBYDAY,this is your post........please forgive me,i didn't mean to take it over.

I know your in so much pain,you reached out to us,and we are here for you.
please post again,we do understand the distress your going thru.

Sending love and big hugs

[luise.volta]

Love and understand don't "take over"...they sooth and heal. (Old saying I just made up.)

[DayByDay]

Hello dear people,

I'm heartened to read your responses.  It really makes a difference knowing that there are people willing to listen and to care.  And it's good to read various points of view.  I'm beginning to see that I have to be prepared to separate myself from my children's lives for the moment, and concentrate on me for now.  That's a challenge in itself!  I have decided that whenever I find myself thinking on my children, I'm to think of something positive instead.  That way it's not consuming me.  It also gives me a reason to look forward.  And most of all, I'm going to be   k i n d  to myself - no  more beating myself up over what I should have said or done that might have made a difference.  So - here's to looking forward!!      Thank you, and  (((HUGS))) to all..........

[Marilyn]

DAYBYDAY,you have a very good attitude about this.Sounds like you are moving forward.You are focusing on you.Stay positive,and be "kind to you" is the best thing you can do.

It's not an easy thing to separate your self from your children's lives,but some times thats all we can do.Only you know if thats what needs to be done. Stay here with us,you will get lots of support.

I'll pray that God gives you,the strength,courage,knowledge,and guidance you need.

Sending lots of love and hugs

[luise.volta]

This is two-sided, you know. Yes, we did listen to you, and very lovingly, but you also listened to us...that's why you're moving forward. One thing that sometimes helps when you are beginning the separation, is to remember that you where whole and healthy before you had children. Your life wasn't futile and empty. You can be whole again. Sending love...

[Pen]

Luise, MIW, Glitter and everyone, it's so true that we must be kind ot ourselves. There is rarely a downside to rediscovering ourselves and finding fulfillment It's like becoming physically fit - we might not have tickets to Nepal in our pockets, but you never know what is around the corner that will require strength. After some time of separation, you may find your children ready to try again, and you will only benefit from your new vantage point of being complete without them. So I say, now I must do, too 

[Hope]

You women inspire me!  Your strength is contagious.