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My heart hurts still after 8 long years.

Started by buggalugs, August 13, 2012, 08:28:07 AM

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buggalugs

Its been 8 years since my only child, a daughter has cut me from her life.  I havent seen my two GC since then or been allowed to have ANY contact, I even have a new GC that I have never met. As I live in another country this is made all the more difficult (i beleive).  My heart hurts so much, it has affected every aspect of my life.  My best friend has just become a GM and whilst overjoyed for her I am SO envious....and I feel very bad for feeling this way. The lost time and years with my GC is unbearable for me.  I can't make any of it right, or different or change any of the past and I am unable to find any peace.  Thankyou for this place to vent and share my overwhelming emotions...a very difficult day.

pam1

Welcome buggalugs :)

If you haven't already done so, please read the highlighted items in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do this in order to get a feel for WWU and how we came about, not because there is anything wrong with your post.

Big Hugs, I understand how it can feel to see someone else have what you desperately want, but can't get. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Doe

Hi Buggalugs and welcome from me, too.   Grief, loss, anger and all those awful emotions brought most of us here but something about the people here help us to transform ourselves and change our lives.  I hope you'll be comfortable here and benefit, too.

firelight

Welcome buggalugs,

I hate to say it, but you're in a community where we really understand what you're feeling and your circumstances. 

I only have 1 DD also. (and 1 stepson).  That is the worst part that it's the only one we have.  It's hard to tell by your post if you've attempted contact (I assume yes) and have just been repeatedly shunned or what. 

The long distance makes it doubly hard.

I am so sorry for the loss of your DD and GC.  I don't know the circumstances as to what happened or why, but I hope that in time, things will change for you.  If they don't, please concentrate on yourself, your needs, and your wants. 

I, too, have felt those envy pangs when I hear other mom's my age talk about their AC that are my DD's age and how well they're doing.  Mine, not so hot.  I am happy for them and feel proud for them especially when I know those kids from when they were babes, but I look at my own and feel terrible some days. 

I am wishing you well.  It is really helpful to post here and let our your feelings.  You'll find awesome WW that will encourage and support you....and sometimes you might just needs us to listen.  That's OK too.

Warmest thoughts to you bugaluggs.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

buggalugs

Thanks ladies for your warm words.  Yes, I have tried repeatedly to establish some form of contact.  I no longer send birthday or Christmas cards and gifts as I have had them mailed back to me and the pain of returning home from work to see a parcel that "one hoped" had been received sitting on the front step is very difficult to take.  I did start a blog for my GC however, I often feel so overwhelmed by my situation that I can't do anything and I go months without updating it.  I think one of the hardest pains to bear is when people ask me if i have children/g children, I say yes, but dread them asking me more.  If I do explain that my only child doesnt want contact they look at me gone out!  They cannot comprehend of such a thing and often say "oh well, it will blow over" or "You MUST contact her and explain how you feel"  Worse still is there silent condemnation for something they know nothing about, I know they think I must have been the worse mother in the world for this to happen.  I know I wasnt a bad Mum, I was young and didnt have much support but I do and always have loved my girl....No-one who isnt in this situation can understand.  I often wonder how on earth we came to be in this situation, its like a very bad movie but its real life for me.  My DD has cut off contact with all of my family and so I cant even get to know anything about them via my family.  Its hard to make sense when it doesnt make sense.

Sheen

Hi Buggalugs
Welcome
So sorry you must deal with this but isn't it nice to know that you are not the only one. It does give us some clarity in a somewhat insane situation, one that is so foreign to many of us and the way we were brought up.
Like you, it has been also eight years since I last spoke to my AS and he also has two children, one I have never seen. I also live outside the US and have been the route of sending gifts and cards only to have them returned because the address I had is no longer valid.  When asked about my children, I also hesitate to include him in the answer as I have 3 ad that I am very close to and really have no idea how to explain the estrangement with my son. I think it is extremely difficult to explain what you yourself do not understand so sometimes it is just easier to skip the whole thing.
At any rate this forum does allow us to vent to people that definately understand and can relate to what we feel. It is easy to pretend most of the time that everything is fine, but there are still those moments when just a show of support  or   ATTAGIRL as Luise says  just to make us feel human again.   

Pooh

Welcome Buggalugs.  I think the blog is a wonderful idea.  I bet it helps to express yourself and will be something your GC can hopefully go looking for later in their lives.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell