My Sand Castle Crashed but I'm surviving

[Ruth]

Its very hard for me to write about this, but I feel so bad about it all today I just need to get it out and over with.  Some of you know and remember, things had been moving along a little with my long estranged DS.  After I bailed him out of a bad financial jam this summer, he started writing me a line now and then, and finally just graduated from college.  I did a nice little grad party for him about two wks ago at his gm's, including a very nice graduation $ gift.  He even let me get a picture of us together.  Its the first one I guess I've had since he was a little kid.  I was so happy, it was almost painful for me at times. But  Not to last. 

Here's what happened.  I've looked around a little online at jobs in his field, and sent him a few links to things I thought might interest him.   One of the links was to a company that his df interviewed at about 30 yrs ago, and I remembered it because it was a bad experience.  Unfortunately I did something very stupid.  I made an offhand remark to DS that his df had foiled his interview there and 'I hoped he wouldn't get the same interviewer!'.  I don't know why I opened my mouth about it at all, it was just one of those things that came out without thinking.  DS sent me a scathing, sarcastic email back to stop talk trashing his father.  I nearly fell out on the floor.  I hadn't thought I was doing that at all, just talking about an incident that happened 30 years ago, but of course I should have kept my mouth shut.  But it got ugly after that.  I apologized with sincerity the best I could.  He followed that up with another brief but scathing email.  I became very angry.  I also reminded him that two weeks ago, just prior to his grad party, I had welcomed him to ask his DF to come.  Then all I could think about was how fed up I am with decades of trying to measure up to my DS's standards of being a 'good Mom', and how sick I am of apologizing and explaining myself, and on top of that sick too death of the fact that both DS and his DF have devastated my life.

I've lived with nothing but trash talking from my DS for as long as I can remember, he's trashed my religion, his sibling, his nephews, the military, every employer he's ever had, the university, the country I live in - you name it, trash talking is his middle name.  I should have Christened him 'FF' for "Fault Finder'.  After a couple of heated emails, I wrote him that okay,  I had made a mistake, and that people do make mistakes.  I told him to just go his own way and I wish him the best, that I'm tired and finished with trying to establish a relationship with people who don't want or need what I have to offer.  It felt pretty good at the time, but now some days have passed and I'm beginning the sting of it all.

I've obviously painted myself into a corner here.  I know I cannot make any more moves.  It wouldn't accomplish anything and would only serve to reinforce my DS's arrogance and insolence.   If this had happened with DD, she may not have liked it, but she would have just thought to herself, well that's just Mom, she'll get over it.  I think DS was reaching this time, he had to find some way to again prove to himself and to me how bad I am.  I am out of gas, and out of ideas.  I know I should not have made that remark.

[SCW]

Hi Ruth
I know and I feel all to well your feelings.  Unfortunately he would have found fault with something you said or had written eventually....just because he is looking for it.  Even if you had said it to him personally, without the help of email,  and had been able to explain yourself, you have unwittingly self fulfilled his prophecy.

I know that more and more I hear how emails, or facebook is misconstrued.  It's so sad.   Did people have this much trouble communicating with pen and paper?  Or is it just the recipient who has the issues.

Focus more on yourself and stop giving him so much power.   Hugs for you.

[Doe]

I know I should not have made that remark.

Why shouldn't you have made that remark?  It makes perfect sense and what you said was true.

[luise.volta]

I agree that when someone is looking for trouble they are going to find it. I also agree that a mistake was probably made...even in participating in job hunting at all. My ODS would jump on me if I said something like "I like your new house" and say I was offering an unsolicited opinion . When it's a set up, I think we have to call it that. When it's just being human and there's no allowance for that...it's a set up, too. You were accused and found guilty of imperfection by an imperfect person. I'm so sorry, Ruth. You deserve so much better.

[Keys Girl]

Ruth, I'm so sorry to hear this, but I think that no matter, what you had done, when you had done it, how you would have done it, it would have been the wrong thing to do (in his mind of course).

Take care of yourself, and don't blame yourself for anything.

KG

[Doe]

I keep thinking about what you wrote - that you had backed yourself into a corner.  I hope you won't forget that there aren't any walls behind you and that the whole wide world is still open to you.  I think you are bigger than the little world he has constructed for you.

[SadToTheCore]

Ruth,  to one who has been a friend to us here, I'm sure I speak for many when I say that you certainly did not deserve that treatment. I truly do not believe your statement was said with malice.  Remember that you are a good person. I know how hard it is a few days after speaking your mind, but sometimes we just gotta do what we gotta do. Your daughter seems like a reasonable person. Give her a double hug when you see her. I'm slowly learning...and I do mean slooooowly learning... to appreciate those I have around me who show me love and respect. You deserve that too.

[JaneF]

So sorry you are dealing with this Ruth.  I agree that your DS would find fault no matter what you say or do.  I also agree that you should not let him have that power.  If he wants to keep his father on a pedestal, let him.  See if his dad comes running in time of need.  Life is not going to be great if you continually walk on eggs shells and are afraid any little thing you do or say may set him off.  I personally think if I was in the situation you were in I would have said the same thing to him.  Blessings to you.   J

[Didi.lost]

Ruth i know exactly how you feel. I thought i was reading about
My own DD

This is the kind of thing she has done to me also. You think you
Are helping them & then BAM they drop a piano on your head and
You are floored.

Its not your fault so dont feel bad... He is the one with the problem
If he cant treat his DM with more respect than that. So he took
It the wrong way and you didnt mean anything by it i'm sure

They are gonna blame us ...thats their way i guess  But we dont
Have to take it. They sure wouldn't.

I agree give your dd a double hug. Love the ones who treat you right

[Grammie]

Ruth you sound like a very sweet lady who really wants the best for her children.  You mentioned helping him out of a bad financial situation last summer and gave him a party which he doesn't seem to appreciate.   Personally I would close the bank of Mom. You have done your best and that is all we can ask of ourselves.  The rest is up to DS.  One time during a heated discussion with my YS he told me to stop helping him and let him suffer the consequences of his own decisions.  We did just that.  When things got tough he grew up and now we have a good relationship with him.  If DS just graduated college he still has a lot of growing up to do.  Enjoy your DD and let DS figure it out on his own.  When he comes back it will be because he made that choice of his own free will. 

[Ruth]

I am so touched by all of your responses.  ' Thank you ' isn't a big enough reply and I didn't expect such an outflow of kindness.  I do thank all of you for the encouragement and wisdom, it has helped me a lot.  Some of you here are in many ways closer to me than a sisters.  I know your stories and that you've walked this excruciating and dreadful path also.  Poor dear Didi, your daughter has broken your heart I know.  I ache for you.  Sad, Keys, Jane, I've been with you for a long time.  We've shared our ups and our downs.  'Normal' people take in volumes of information from those they are in a relationship with, and dotted through it are lots of things said that would have been best left unsaid because we are just human beings and fly by the seat of our pants, we aren't gods or paragons, but we relate to the person as a whole and have to have a pretty strong frontal attack to take offense. 

I am seeing more clearly now the complex nature of my relationship with my DS.  (Grammie, DS is 32, even though he just grad and he was in military for 10 years, so he's well into adulthood).  Yesterday my DH put this on a level that I could understand.  He said he had seen me following this same pattern with DS for 15 years, the same thing over and over, and the same results.  He said that DS bites me.  And that is a perfect illustration.  Its like having a biting dog in the family, however the immediate family is usually immune to the bites of the dog, but not in my instance.  With my DS, it always seems to come out of nowhere.  It strikes very fast and briefly, but effectively.  And like being bitten, you are in such shock, I mean you can't hardly believe this has happened and at first you don't even feel the pain because of the shock, but then it sets in and gets very sore for a long time.  If my DS took the time to ream me out in paragraphs or face to face confrontations, I could stand it much better because I would at least feel like a human being that someone had an issue with and was demanding some kind of restitution or resolution.  But he strikes me very fast and hard, and then turns away.  This is what has devastated me all these years. 

Thank you Doe, for the word picture about the walls not being behind me.  I have the option of turning around and getting out of the room.  This is what I have to do with my DS or he is going to destroy any and all that is left of my life.  (Thank you SCW, stop the power outage).  Something went terribly wrong with him way back, I am not going to be able to figure that out and I am never going to be sure to what extent he realizes what he is even doing, or how accountable he is for being so hurtful.  But I think my response to the next possible crisis should just be 'good luck'.

Luise, thank you for again saying just the right thing.

[Pooh]

Oh sweet Ruth, I'm so sorry.  I will say this.  I don't think you backed yourself into a corner.  I think you finally pulled yourself out of the corner!  Fine.  You said something that he didn't take with the intention you meant it.  It happens.  Who here hasn't said something that was a misunderstanding or had something said to them that was a misunderstanding?  If I had a dollar for every time that me or DH wrote a text or said something that could be taken two different ways, I would be rich.  A simple, "What did you mean by that?" clears it up in ten seconds.  A simple "Oh, I'm sorry.  I so didn't mean anything by it, this is what I meant..." fixes it.  That's because we both want to fix it and it's called communication.

Stop blaming yourself.  I personally see that you did a great job with how you reacted to it.  You apologized and tried to move on.  He wouldn't so you stood up for yourself and said enough is enough.  You recognized you did the best you could to correct his assumptions and he wouldn't have it.  That is totally on him and not you.  You can't do anything about someone that is not willing to communicate except what you did.  Do your best and move on.  I know it's no fun Ruth but it's time for you to recognize that you are a caring, loving individual who deserves better treatment that he has been giving you.

You matter Ruth!

[Pen]

So sorry, Ruth. It's too bad that in many of our situations we have to let go of someone we love to regain our self-respect and move forward. I agree w/the others - you matter & you deserve better.

[momnomore]

Ruth,
You sound so sweet and you try so hard to get along with your DS.  Sometimes it seems like our AC set traps all around us hoping we'll screw up and then bang!  they've got us.  It must make them feel justified for the way they treat us.  They've got us under their microscope.   I've walked on eggshells for so many years.  It's past time we look out for ourselves and live our lives happy.  My problem is I occasionally glance back........not a good thing to do.  Move forward.  One day at a time.   Hugs and well wishes.

[Begonia]

Ruth:  Oh my goodness, I could have written your whole post.  I feel so sad for you.  But what rings out to me is that you said you had a photo together, you gave him a nice party, and he graduated.  It sounds to me as if he is on a good path and no doubt you have had an influence with that.  Look at that part and disregard the rest.  You said something, BIG DEAL....you are not a malicious person from all of your posts I have read, so forgive yourself for this tiny little thing.  Carry on, good woman!!  We are here for you.  I know how this stuff goes, this is what caused the latest rift a year ago with my DD...some little thing I said.  Now, a year later, I find out more information about why my DD was so nasty.  Just step back, treasure the party and the photo and that he graduated.  Let the rest go like a hot air balloon.  Love to you, Ruth!!!