Someone please tell me what to do

[lost_my_faith]

My 37 year old son is a master manipulator and also verbally abusive to women in his life including me.  I had him when I was 18, and later married a man who did not have great morals as a step-father.  I was also so involved in my relationship that I didn't give enough attention to him as a child.  I did try to make sure he had all the material things he needed and probably gave him too much of that.  Tonight he got into a drunken fight with his new pregnant girlfriend so I went to their house to be there while she packed her things to leave.  He broke several items, pushed her around and pushed me to the ground of which my chest is hurting fairly bad now where he pushed me.  He ended up going to jail.  Neither of us pressed charges but his mouth got him in trouble with the police.  Only this morning did he come to my house for a bit of money for gas only to go get drunk.   He has a workers comp case going and is only working light duty and not making what he was used to.  I was in the process of giving him my deceased mother's house.  I paid off his new car with money she left me and that was her wishes.  I paid for utility deposits and have helped him in so many ways monetarially.  He is ungrateful still yet.  I don't know what to do.  I have apologized over and over for his childhood and told him how much I love him and that I made bad choices but nothing I say seems to help his anger which really comes out when he's drinking.  Where do I draw the line?  What can I do to make him understand that I am sorry?  My childhood wasn't perfect either but I never did anything like this to my mom.  This is the second time he physically hurt me.  Maybe 20 years ago he kicked me in my stomach while he was on drugs.  He has been in prison for stealing and drugs.  I have a 2 year old beautiful granddaughter from his ex-girlfriend who lives in my rental property behind me and he says he feels angry towards me for letting them live there but it is the best thing for my grandbaby.  He also manipulates the ex-girlfriend and threatens taking the baby.  His dad hasn't been in his life since he was a teenager although he does come to family gatherings once a year or so.  He threatens suicide and it seems it's just one thing after another over his temper and manipulation...someone please give me some advice.

[luise.volta]

Welcome - L - Before we go any further, please go to our Home Page and under the category "Read Me First" and read the three posts there. They will familiarize you with our site so you can determine whether it is fit or not. Our members are required to abide by the Forum Agreement. If that will work for you...let us know and we will take it from there. Right up front I can tell you that we can't tell you what to do.We don't have a clue. WWU isn't that kind of a site. We can listen and understand and share our experiences with you. That's where healing sometimes happens, in community. Sending love..

[momnomore]

Welcome Lost-my-faith!   I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what my DD and I did with our alcoholic son.  We found Alanon and started going to the meetings.  We learned a lot.  It might be a start.  Hugs.

[Doe]

Momnomore has a great idea.  Find people in your community who can support you - maybe a group like that or a battered women's group or if you are spiritually oriented, someone who can help you that way.    Surrounding yourself with sane people can give you a better perspective.

And fwiw,  if that was the 2nd time he hit you, I think I would have pressed charges.  It's time for you to stop apologizing and for him to start apologizing to you.

[luise.volta]

The mention of support groups is a powerful one. If you have a sense of crisis...you need a great deal more than online support. We aren't a professional Website.

[pam1]

Welcome lost_my_faith

I like the suggestion of support groups, what about Al Anon?  I've heard a lot of good things about them.  Also, a women's shelter in your area should be able to help you find support groups and they possibly have other help they can offer to you as well.  Big Hugs.

[themuffin]

Welcome Lost My Faith....

My heart ached for you as I read your story.  I have no idea what your son's childhood was like, but I have never met a perfect parent, nor am I one.  As you mentioned, many of us have had less than ideal childhoods and have not turned out the way your son has.  Heck, some have had truly wonderful childhoods and have turned out the way your son has.  There is just no way to know why our children turn out the way they do.  I have three sons and I loved and raised them all the same.  Two remember being happy and loved, one doesn't has totally different memories. Go figure.  You can't make sense of the senseless. I learned that gem from Luise.   Sometimes our children are who they are no matter how we've raised them, so please don't blame yourself.  And if by chance there were some things that you feel may have molded him into the person he is...well, all you can do is apologize and move forward.

Your DS sounds like he's on a path of self destruction and until he wants help there is nothing you can do.The best thing you can do for your son is to take care of yourself and be strong so that if someday he decides he needs you, you can be there for him.  I know you are in pain.  No mother ever imagines that her child would ever cause her pain or injury.  And no mother wants to see her child live the lifestyle which you've described of your son.   I'm so sorry that you are going thru this.

I have a sister who used to be a substance abuser.  She was also abusive to our mother.  Not only were we raised the same and both loved, I would have to say she was favored.  But to hear her tell it our mother was terrible! Her words and her actions have affected my mother in so many ways.  It robbed her of happiness in the years where she should have been most happy.  It affected her health.  She had no peace, no joy.  She was an enabler for a long, long time.  Finally she said "Enough!".  It was only then that my sister began to change.  It was only then that my mother began to find peace.

I wish the same for you....

Hugs

[Paca]

Hello. That sounds like abuse, pure and simple.  It gets complicated when it's son and mom, and in your head and heart you see that baby that you nutured. But looking at just a male, or person, is that something you would accept? I wouldn't.

I can't speack for mothers and daughters and sure aren't an expert on mothers and sons but I'm learning. I've always stood up for women, and it's not ok to abuse them in anyway. The hardest thing admitting is about my son because of mother love.

Sad as it is for me as a mother, I've realized and faced that my son, the baby that I loved, is a male abuser. I'm working through the love of a mother which so many times makes us victims and growing strong as a woman and saying no and letting go.

[luise.volta]

I am locking this post. This membership was canceled.