How do I get through shower and wedding?

[pam1]

Welcome SJmom

I was all set to call my in laws Mom and Dad because I'm still old school where you call older adults Mr. or Mrs.  Just the way I was raised and what I was comfortable with.  My SILs objected to any in laws calling their parents Mom and Dad and my Parent In Laws objected to being called Mr. or Mrs.!  Now that was awkward, so I tend to avoid calling them any name but when I have to -- it's Grandma and Grandpa.  Awwwwwwkward!   I did it out in public once with MIL and a lady told me to go give my "grandparents" something, MIL was hopping mad because the lady heard me call her Grandma (which was not a problem previously) and assumed that MIL was actually old enough to be my grandmother. 

I never thought of something like that happening but I also felt that I had to honor my upbringing.  But now?  It's one of those things in hindsight that I wish I had just called them by their first names.  Yes, it made me uncomfortable but at the end of the day I can get use to other people's ways to get along with them.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that you have a similar choice here.  Force your comfort on FDIL (and ask yourself, has this happened before?  why is DS telling you point blank you're not going to be friends with FDIL?  Did you ask about wedding plans expecting be included because they were your preferences?) and potentially risk more awkward situations?

[herbalescapes]

For the shower you could always call in sick at the last moment.  I wouldn't advise that for the wedding.  For both of them, go as a guest.  The bride and groom tend to be busy at these events, so your interaction with them should be minimal, anyway.  I imagine other relatives and friends from your side will be there, so socialize with them.  Apply the tactic "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."  Don't complain about any treatment and if someone broaches the topic for some reason, try to brush them off with some catchall phrase that doesn't put anyone in a bad light.  (what that catchall phrase would be, i don't know.)

let me apologize ahead of time here, because i am a dil whose dh let her take the blame with his foo for his own actions.  so i am a bit biased.  you said your son told you your dil would never call, email, etc.  well,  it can be dicey in any situation to judge someone on the hearsay of someone else.  once your son made those statements, it probalby colored how you interpreted your fdil's actions.  you might not have noticed all the slights or not seen them as slights if the idea that she didn't want anything to do with you hadn't been planted in your head.  the human memory is a tricky thing.  the experts currently (tho in a few years it could be totally different) assert that our brains will pick and choose details to conform to our ideas and actually fill in details we don't actually remember.  we're not deliberately trying to make a case against anyone or be deceptive; we honestly think we remember clearly.  i read an article that said an expert on memory believed eyewitness testimony in criminal cases should be outlawed because human memory is so faulty.  Anyway, my point is if you possibly can, wipe the slate clean.  go forward assuming you and fdil have different styles and try to reinterpret her behavior in the best possible light that is reasonable. 

i don't mean to imply your ds tried to deliberately deceive you.  the miscommunication between men and women is legend. books have literally (bad pun intended) been written on the topic. 

as far as what dil should call you, well 30 years ago or so, it was pretty set that dil/sil called mil/fil some variation of mom/dad or mr. and mrs smith.  times have changed.  i don't think you can force dil to call you mom.  i sympathize with not wanting to be called by your first name.  i don't let children or adults i don't know well call me by my first name.  however, realize that dil is probably not being disrespectful by calling you by your first name and that's a small thing that could backfire big time if you insist on the mrs. 

my dh has some longevity genes in his family, so i met all his grandparents.  the first time i met his paternal sets, we were all visiting dh's parents.  so gfil comes to the breakfast table and introduces himself with his first name only.  i always referred to those grandparents by their first names.  i would get a chuckle when my mil's sisters would refer to my mil's ILs by Mr. and Mrs.  there were a few decades in between those introductions.  (I always called his other gp's grandma and grandpa).
good luck!

[Pen]

So if DIL tells you to call her Mrs. Yoursand her last name you will do it?  Not trying to be rude but I know my mil wouldn't yet she expects me too.

I would absolutely call her whatever she wanted. Mrs. Pen'sSurname, Bozo the Clown, Your Royal Highness, Honey Boo Boo...it's all good.

[Scoop]

For the shower you could always call in sick at the last moment.

If you do this, make sure it's believable.  My IL's "called in sick" for my wedding shower, but their excuse was that MIL had pneumonia.  But she only had it for that weekend, wasn't sick beforehand, and recovered immediately.  It's been 14 years and I remember it as being a very sketchy excuse.

[sjmom]

I have every intention of being at the shower with the guests I have invited; would not miss either the shower or wedding. This is the most important day in the couple's life. I am not a nasty person; rather confused and ignorant of today's customs (married 32 years) and have made my share of mistakes but I love my son and only want the best for him.

[luise.volta]

SJ - Good for you. That sounds so positive! Did you get anything here that felt helpful or supportive?

[sjmom]

Much good feedback and now I don't feel so alone. I would have never thought it would turn out this way but I will live with it and adjust. Still don't know about the "name" though. Maybe I will get used to her calling me by my first name but only time will tell. Right now just want to get the shower and wedding done because I have 3 months to find a dress and I haven't even begun to shop or know what I want. A project in and of itself. LOL

[luise.volta]

Great! You have a cyber-family here. "Alone" is no longer the operative word. Sending love..-

[Pooh]

I'm old school too and I always call anyone by Miss/Mr./Mrs. until they say, "Please call me "First Name"".  If my DIL had said, "Mrs." right off the bat, I would have followed that with "call me 'First Name'".  Neither one had nothing to do with me thinking DIL was a child.  Both my Sons friends, even when they were 18 until now, call me Mrs. XXXX.  It would have felt awkward to me to have them call me my first name.  Still had nothing to do with me thinking they were children.

On the flip side, I would never expect DIL or FDIL to call me "Mom".  IMO, that should be reserved for their Mother, unless they choose to do it.  FDIL calls me my first name now, because when she said "Mrs. XXXX" I followed with the "Please, call me XXXXX."  If she had told me that made her feel weird, then I would have said, "Oh, well then Mrs. is fine or Mimi.  Or what are you comfortable with?" 

To me that is no big deal.  The big deal to me is the assumption that when someone does have a preference to "Mrs." that it's anything other than maybe how they were raised.  I also find humor in that so many things seem to only apply one direction.

[sjmom]

Since my own MIL had passed away and I did not get to know her and my SIL and the other women I know call MIL "MOM" I did not think it odd to ask this. Nor did I feel it unreasonable to expect some title of respect. Raised like you I have  given people their due unless told otherwise, but since FDIL does not communicate with me I have had to go through MS to find out. I have signed everything but Mrs., including my first name or Mom on a Christmas and birthday card. If she does not want to call me Mom then I hope the two of us can agree on something we are both comfortable with.

[Pooh]

And I think that's the way to handle it.  I can give up my old school tradition if something is not comfortable, but I also expect compromise on the other end.

[alohomora]

I'd consider letting the title/name thing go and just let her choose whatever is comfortable. Respect isn't automatic, its something earned over time, and it means different things to different people. Treating you rudely for no reason is not ok - but calling you by your name, that's common place now.

I had a very good relationship with my MIL throughout my wedding planning. RIGHT until she freaked out because I was addressing envelopes 'wrong' (not using the right titles). I wouldn't fold and finally had to hang up on her because she was calling me to screetch about this while I was at work. I stopped talking to her completely for the rest of wedding planning. A shame! all because she chose titles as a hill to die on.. I was willing to compromise a bit even though I strongly disagreed with her but it was her way or we were wrong/rude/disrespectful etc etc. In the end she lost out. Her choice.

[Pooh]

My Ex-MIL used to address all the birthday/holiday cards to my Sons "Master (First Name) (Last Name)".  I thought that very odd but I figured it was just how she was.

[Grammie]

My DIL called me Mom from day one.  She was always sweet to me and we got along great.  I was invited to go along when she chose her wedding dress.  We went out to lunch to try the food at the restaurant she chose for the rehearsal dinner.  I had a great time at the shower.  Everything was perfect or so I thought!  After 5 years of marriage DH and I are banned from their life.  Go figure!  Seems like the more time that goes by with us respecting their choice to have nothing to do with us the angrier they get.  I can't even keep quiet correctly! 

[Lillycache]

My DIL called me Mom from day one.  She was always sweet to me and we got along great.  I was invited to go along when she chose her wedding dress.  We went out to lunch to try the food at the restaurant she chose for the rehearsal dinner.  I had a great time at the shower.  Everything was perfect or so I thought!  After 5 years of marriage DH and I are banned from their life.  Go figure!  Seems like the more time that goes by with us respecting their choice to have nothing to do with us the angrier they get.  I can't even keep quiet correctly!

Me neither.   My DIL told me that she was waiting for me to BEG to see the kids.  I was hoping she would be holding her breath while she waited... lol!!