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Rough day

Started by Pen, August 05, 2012, 09:29:05 AM

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Lillycache

What would happen if we told them that we were hurt and offended by their actions?   Just asking...  could it get worse?  At least they would know that it was NOT alright with us.

Pooh

It could get worse, it could get better or it could just stay the same.

The question is:  What would happen if you told yourself that you can love them but not love their decisions and then went an had a manicure?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Barbie

Pooh is absolutely right, that's a chance you have to be willing to take. It had gotten so bad for us that I figured it couln't get any worse, DS and I were very close so I had no problem telling him how we felt.

It has gotten better for us in the past year or so but nowhere near what it used to be before DIL came into the picture and I believe that's because our DS truly is a wonderful guy with a heart of gold and he's torn between his DW and his FOO, trying to do the best he can to make everybody happy. We have also we have lowered our expectations.

Monroe

Scoop -- you said :

"I have a feeling that, in our case, it's because he doesn't want to have to do any of the work in smoothing the relationship between us.  He could facilitate things, by "guiding" his P's (and me) to an easier relationship.  I think it's terrible that instead of standing up to his parents, he's turned his back."

Why is it your husband's job to smooth the relationship between you and your ILs?  Many MILs on this board go to great lengths to avoid putting the son/husband in the middle.  They back off, defer, let go. . . to the point of, like Pen, hardly seeing their son.  With Pen, everything has to be on the DIL's terms. 

I'm not saying you are like Pen's DIL, but why is it your husband's job to smooth the relationship?  Don't you and your MIL both wear Big Girl Panties?   Shouldn't the two of you resolve things - not put your DH in the middle? 

I basically have no relationship with my DIL.  But that's between her and me.  It is not my son's job to mediate, be go-between, etc.  Anything we need to work out needs to be worked out between the two of us, as adults.  I see nothing to be gained by putting my son/her husband in the middle. 

Monroe

Quote from: Lillycache on August 08, 2012, 07:10:47 AM

Sometimes I sit quietly here at work and listen to the young women talk about their little boys, and how much they love them, and all the neat things little boys do and how lucky they are to have sons..... AND I sit quietly...  I bite my tongue until it bleeds.  I want to tell them to enjoy their little guys NOW... because depending on who they marry, you may not be in the picture.   

Lilly - I am so right there with you.  I have such cherished memories of that little boy who was so firmly connected to us.   He simply had the luck to marry a woman who wanted nothing to do with us.  We say nothing.  He will never know the depth of our pain and loss.  Until he walks a mile in our shoes.   

NewMama

I think it is part of the son's job to help with the relationships between MIL and DIL. DH grew up with his mother, and knows her better than I do. He also has been in a relationship with me for 10 years, and knows me better than she does. And quite frankly, some of the things he does or doesn't do have contributed to the downturn in my relationship with her. She's a lot quicker to forgive something that came out of his mouth than if the exact same statement came out of my mouth.

My own mother has commented that certain things about weddings, babies, family life etc that she has said to me she could never say to my SisIL - and she loves my SisIL. But she's not her mother, doesn't have a lifelong history with her or that bond, so she's slightly more guarded with what she says. My brother was notoriously bad for keeping my mother out of the loop during their wedding plans, and mom put the blame squarely where it belonged - with my brother. She could've railed against SisIL for that, but my brother's an adult and should've be keeping her informed.

If it were reversed, ie my DH had an issue with my mom, no one would let me off the hook for not trying to smooth things over because it's my job as the wife.

Monroe

Quote from: NewMama on August 08, 2012, 04:12:17 PM
I think it is part of the son's job to help with the relationships between MIL and DIL.

So, if it is part of son's job to help with relationship between MIL and DIL, does that mean MIL can ask son for the help with problems with DIL?   Or can only DIL ask for help from son on problems with MIL?   

I have a hard time imagining that Pen's DIL would take it well if Pen asked her son for help in working out problems between DIL and Pen and Pen's husband. 

NewMama

She might not take it well. But that doesn't mean a MIL asking her son to help with a situation with DIL is wrong or unreasonable. I never said it was a one way street. I said I think it's his job to help when things aren't going well - no matter who has the issue. My MIL was the first one who went to DH with something she had an issue with - my family being invited to DS's first birthday party. Was I happy about that? No. But she had her issue, and brought it to DH's attention. DH and I talked, and came to an agreement, that it was unreasonable. He talked that over with his mom. She came anyways even though my family was there. If I had talked to her, it almost certainly wouldn't have ended that way.

Monroe

Quote from: NewMama on August 08, 2012, 05:22:08 PM
She might not take it well. But that doesn't mean a MIL asking her son to help with a situation with DIL is wrong or unreasonable. I never said it was a one way street. I said I think it's his job to help when things aren't going well - no matter who has the issue. My MIL was the first one who went to DH with something she had an issue with - my family being invited to DS's first birthday party. Was I happy about that? No. But she had her issue, and brought it to DH's attention. DH and I talked, and came to an agreement, that it was unreasonable. He talked that over with his mom. She came anyways even though my family was there. If I had talked to her, it almost certainly wouldn't have ended that way.

NewMama - you sound fair and consistent, in that you see it as a two-way street.  Good for you.  I would submit, however, that your MIL's issue was not solely with YOU, but also with your husband, since it was a complaint by her as to who should come to the birthday party.   Since you and your DH were both holding the party for your baby, I think your MIL's issue was with the BOTH of you, not just your husband.  What about if the issue is strictly with you?  Is it still OK for her to work through her son, or should she work directly with you?  Curious.

By the way, if her issue was that SHE wanted to come to the baby's party, but didn't want your family to?   I suspect ALL the MILS on this board would support you and your husband on that one!  ;)   Highly unreasonable for her to want to cut your family out.  Should never have been an issue at all.   

Scoop

Quote from: Monroe on August 08, 2012, 03:50:20 PM
Why is it your husband's job to smooth the relationship between you and your ILs?

Monroe,

To me, the relationship between my MIL and I is a minefield, and DH has the map.

My DH knows and loves BOTH of us.  He knows our hot buttons, he knows our preferences, and theoretically he should WANT us to get along.  It's also in his best interests for us to get along, his life would be MUCH happier.  He wouldn't have to listen to MIL cry that she doesn't see us enough, and I would be much more willing to go see them.

Can you imagine if he had told his M, in the way that he knew she would receive, the things that would be hurtful to me?  So that she could stop doing them?  And maybe, if she could see it from my point of view, she could apologize?

Can you imagine if he had told me some of his P's peculiarities, so I could 'honour' MIL in a way she would appreciate?

For example, my DH and I met in a funny way, such that I joked that he was my "stalker".  It was funny at first, but as we got more serious, he told me that he didn't like it.  So I asked my family to please stop refering to him like that.  And they did.  Period.  I'm sure you can imagine how something like that could go south if left to fester.

NewMama

Her issue was that she didn't want to share DS's birthday with my FOO. She wanted her own separate party before the one I had planned. I hear what you're saying about her issue being with both of us, however she sees me as the gatekeeper/final decision maker of our family. DH and I both work, share parenting responsibilities, household chores etc. I see us as equals, where she thinks I dictate to DH. We always run family plans by each other to ensure no conflicting events/visits. Both of our parents are divorced, so it can be hard to keep things straight.

I think in this particular situation the issue truly was with me. I made my choice not bring my problems with MIL to DH. I sincerely hope that when my son is older and able to converse with her this'll get better. I hope that when she sees the kid really does love her, the green eyed monster will be put to rest. It's bad at the moment - not only does she not want to share events with my FOO, she no longer wants me present (in my own home) for visits. Just DH and DS. I made the choice to suck it up and be polite regardless, but if it continues for a long time that may change. And if I offend her in some way, I don't find it at all strange for her to speak to DH about it. That's her choice.

Monroe

Quote from: NewMama on August 08, 2012, 06:22:40 PM
Her issue was that she didn't want to share DS's birthday with my FOO. She wanted her own separate party before the one I had planned. I hear what you're saying about her issue being with both of us, however she sees me as the gatekeeper/final decision maker of our family. DH and I both work, share parenting responsibilities, household chores etc. I see us as equals, where she thinks I dictate to DH. We always run family plans by each other to ensure no conflicting events/visits. Both of our parents are divorced, so it can be hard to keep things straight.

I think in this particular situation the issue truly was with me. I made my choice not bring my problems with MIL to DH. I sincerely hope that when my son is older and able to converse with her this'll get better. I hope that when she sees the kid really does love her, the green eyed monster will be put to rest. It's bad at the moment - not only does she not want to share events with my FOO, she no longer wants me present (in my own home) for visits. Just DH and DS. I made the choice to suck it up and be polite regardless, but if it continues for a long time that may change. And if I offend her in some way, I don't find it at all strange for her to speak to DH about it. That's her choice.

I guess I wouldn't want to deal directly with a woman like that either, whether she be a DIL or a MIL.  You have my sympathies -- with both sets of grandparents divorced, frankly they have to all suck it up and attend the same events - It would be ridiculous if you had to put on four different events - one for each set of grandparents so they don't have to deal with each other.  Good grief!   ???

Pen

My problem is that DIL does not like us & chooses not to spend time w/us. There isn't anything we can do about it. She & DS have no idea how much our family has been impacted by this; seems simple enough to just go on w/o her, but it affects a lot of the things we do. It's sad & frustrating, and I find myself feeling resentful.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Grammie

Quote from: NewMama on August 08, 2012, 06:22:40 PM
Her issue was that she didn't want to share DS's birthday with my FOO. She wanted her own separate party before the one I had planned.

New Mama,  My question is why did MIL want her own party?  In my case my DS and DIL held a party for a 2 year old and invited her FOO and lots of friends, 30+.  At the party they made the decision that gifts would not be opened.  Apparently I was expected to leave my gift there for them to open later in private.  I took issue with that and feel that I should have been offered an opportunity to be there when my gift was opened.  I did not see that as unreasonable since her FOO was still there when we left and at least some of them were there when gifts were opened. 

My problem with DS is that he seems to feel that giving us the silent treatment is the way to go.  He has never done anything like that before but DIL has with her FOO.  We did try to talk to him a couple of times but EVERYTHING  we say gets carried back to DIL, twisted and then used against us as further evidence of how awful we are.  Our concerns are not used in a positive way to allow for a better relationship.  I truly believe that DIL is evil and set out to destroy our family and change DS into a puppet which she has effectively done.       
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~

Lillycache

New Mama...  Your MIL doesn't know how lucky she is to be included in the "Grown-up" party.   My GKs birthdays are very close together and are celebrate on the same day.  DS and DIL throw a big party for all the relatives... this includes her FOO... my son's bio-dad and his wife... but NOT me.    I got invited to the "kids" party, which means watching my GKs play with all their friends from a distance.   When I went to both of them to ask why I couldn't go to the grown up party, WWIII erupted.  I guess I should have been happy with being thrown that crumb, because now I am not invited to anything.   It wouldn't have mattered if I went to my son alone.  DIL calls the shots and he goes along to get along.