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Rough day

Started by Pen, August 05, 2012, 09:29:05 AM

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luise.volta

How wonderful that he picked you instead of the "familiar", Scoop. He's a lucky guy. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

herbalescapes

I always say if you add enough peanut butter, cheese and/or chocolate to anything - even a rough day - it's palatable.  Good luck!

Pen

Somewhere there must be a bunch of nice, rational DILs & MILs who ended up together. We don't see them here, of course. I suppose they're all over on Luise's other site "DILs & MILs Holding Hands and Skipping Thru the Tulips" dot com, lol.   ;D
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Paca

Why does family have to be an or? Mine or yours and in most of these cases it's hers. HER wedding, HER family.  He had a family too that loved him just as much, it wasn't less because he was a boy.

Family shouldn't be one or another and traded, it's meant to grow.

pam1

Paca, I agree whole-heartedly with you.   Too bad it's not easy or that not everyone agrees with us!  LOL

Scoop, that's just terrible.  It's too bad our husbands can't get together and chat.  They sound so similar and it's heart breaking because I'm willing to bet your husband is a very nice guy, through and through.  It's hard to see our loved ones treated so terribly.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

Pen - I don't know where they hang our but it's not on www.MomResponds.com LOL That's how WWU got started. I got so many questions on these issues that I thought they deserved a separate site! I think those happly little campers are all over at www.PieInTheSky.com!

Seriously, I was one once. I think the story about my MIL is over in Success Stories someplace. She was a true jewel!  ;) (And I was as real "pill!"  :-[ )
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Paca

Pam1, why can't love just be? Seriously?

herbalescapes

It's a nice idea not to have a his and hers FOO and just become one big combined family, but I don't think it's at all practical in most cases.  I remember from hs world cultures class that in some cultures, a woman marries into her husbands's clan/tribe and pretty much cuts ties with her own FOO.  In some - I think fewer - cultures a man marries into his wife's tribe/clan and cuts ties with his own FOO.  That prevailing philosophy would solve a lot of the problems we see here, but what happens when you have kids of only one gender and it's not the gender that stays with you?  No system is perfect. 

Holidays and birthdays are big points where his vs hers FOO often is evident.  But how do you include both sides of the family when there are multiple AC with spouses and children and ILs of their own plus geographical distances to overcome?  Can I expect my sister's husband's sibling's ILs to  to travel hundreds of miles to spend Christmas at my husband's brother's wife's sister's house so we don't have to split up the holiday?  Who has a house big enough?  For just my dh, me, our kids, our parents, our sibs, their spouses and kids, that's over 30 people and that doesn't include my nieces/nephews other grandparents nor any of my own or my dh's cousins, aunts, uncles.  Where do you want to draw the line of the one big happy family? 

I have yet to find any large scale, objective study that shows it's usually Her family and not his that takes precedence.  Many AD are estranged from their familes; just look at the AC page on this website. 

luise.volta

H - Thought provoking post. Thanks. One basic problem is that we're human. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Begonia

Pen:  Sending caring and good thoughts your way.  I have a similar situation with DS.  I do think my DIL is a good person but she has these needy and dysfunctional parents who seem to control both DS and DIL.  It is a big mess.  I do regret not seeing my GK and being part of their lives on a weekly basis, but it is what it is, sad to say.  Wishing you a wonderful week to balance things out. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Barbie

Dear Pen,

I understand your anguish and I think days like these are inevitable as we love our DSs very much and want them to be happy. Sometimes it's easier when we don't see our DS, he's a wonderful, loving husband and father (he had a good example) and we are extremely proud of him, we wish DIL would show some appreciation for all he does for her rather than take advantage of his good nature, instead, she goes on about her business as usual knowing that he's suffering, and now we are seeing that our 4 yr. old GD is starting to treat DS just like her mother does.  Tough to watch!

Hang in there, Pen.   (((Hugs)))

Lillycache

Quote from: Paca on August 07, 2012, 11:34:12 AM
Why does family have to be an or? Mine or yours and in most of these cases it's hers. HER wedding, HER family.  He had a family too that loved him just as much, it wasn't less because he was a boy.

Family shouldn't be one or another and traded, it's meant to grow.

Sometimes I sit quietly here at work and listen to the young women talk about their little boys, and how much they love them, and all the neat things little boys do and how lucky they are to have sons..... AND I sit quietly...  I bite my tongue until it bleeds.  I want to tell them to enjoy their little guys NOW... because depending on who they marry, you may not be in the picture.   I told my DIL that, and of course she said that SHE would know exactly how to be the perfect MIL and that HER DIL would not treat her the way she treats me because I am deserving of such treatment.    You just have to sit back and laugh at the naivete.   

pam1

Quote from: Paca on August 07, 2012, 01:09:38 PM
Pam1, why can't love just be? Seriously?

I wish I knew :(  I think it's a combination of what Herbal just posted and the personalities involved, is my best guess.  I understand distinctly what Herbal is saying, it applies very much to DHs FOO.  However, I get along with my DDs fathers FOO and always had a good relationship with them and while they are long distance and we don't celebrate holidays very often (even when her father and I were still together) we just plain didn't have these problems.  They did not take offense if we didn't come home on Christmas, they would send a card pretty much saying that they hope we are having a great Christmas and send some treats.  DHs FOO would and has sent us the "nasty grams" that we are horrible people and making MIL miserable for missing Christmas, even though we spent Christmas Eve with her.  While DDs fathers FOO wouldn't even SEE us. 

I think with the personalities in DHs FOO, this kind of simple, pure love and hoping for the best for everyone is just simply not possible.  They aren't that kind of people.  I still have trouble accepting it though.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pooh

I think it does boil down to personalities.  We never demanded holidays, birthdays, special occasions, etc.  They were extended the offers anytime our family had anything, but no hard feelings if they couldn't make it, and no guilt trips.  And then when we simply offered an invitation to get together whenever was convenient for them, even if that was a month before or month after, it still didn't work for them.  There was no day in 365 days that worked for them.

I also still think it is what people say versus what people do.  When those of us that don't demand or guilt, ask and get the response of "Sorry, we are so busy" and say, "Ok, whenever works for you" but then see them go to the other FOO 10 times a month, then it becomes an excuse and isn't hard to figure out that they just don't want to attend anything on your side.  That's their right, but doesn't make the hurt any less.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Begonia

Pooh:  Your post is so enlightening.  You said, There was no day in 365 days that worked for them.
If that isn't the truth!!  You are so right...that is exactly how it is for my DS and DIL. 
And then you say: That's their right, but doesn't make the hurt any less.
So true again!  I posted in another thread that I am working on this right now.  And just like I don't watch scary or violent movies, or train wrecks,I just don't watch anymore to see where DS and family are.  What a relief. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)