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Rough day

Started by Pen, August 05, 2012, 09:29:05 AM

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pam1

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

August 06, 2012, 08:45:56 AM #16 Last Edit: August 06, 2012, 01:07:00 PM by luise.volta
I wonder sometimes how marriage vows may differ...even when the same words are repeated. If not on the surface then perhaps on a deeper, even unconscious, level. Would the offending spouse, (not always the DIL, as we know), take as much invalidation and give as much kindness in return if the demands and the consequences of not meeting them were reversed? We all have such differing concepts of what we are required to tolerate and where to draw the line.

I am speaking here, as always, from my own experience. I made a poor choice at age 20. I knew nothing of differing values and incompatibility. I had known my "betrothed" since I was four years old! No mystery there. We had never been friends until our hormones kicked in. I didn't even notice that. My choice was based on what I knew at 20...which was zip. It took 18 years for me to learn what I didn't know. I thought if I tried harder, surely my spouse would. I thought if I gave it everything I had, it would be enough or even get better. Not workable premises in my case.

My parents couldn't help me with that and my spouse simply didn't know what I was talking about or find it of interest. I had to grow up. (I'm still working on that.) I had to move from being 20; trusting, naive and "unfinished"...to being almost 40 to realize I was throwing my life away. I had evidence all around me that it was the accepted norm. That's my excuse for taking two decades to wake up and give up. I had to leave the "tooth fairy" behind. She who promised after all of my permanent teeth appeared, that "happily ever after" was just around the corner. She further admonished that "big girls" just like little ones were to be seen and not heard.

I took the values I had learned at home and tried to apply them to an untenable situation. What I am postulating here is that all of us learn on whatever path we choose. Some paths may be easier than others but often in our youth we don't know what we're getting into. I know now that my choices couldn't help but cause my parents anguish. They wanted the best for me...of course. I choose a rocky road that eventually led, even though very slowly because I was obviously a slow learner, to where I am now which is deep joy and fulfillment. I can only hope that my parents know I finally got there in my own time frame, which wasn't theirs. 

This was meant to encourage, Pen. There is always hope. Sending love...   
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SCW

Quote from: Grammie on August 05, 2012, 08:56:36 PM
If DIL loved DS even half as much as she loves herself she would be able to see that she is hurting him with her behavior.
That could be said of DS/DD/SIL/FIL/MIL/DM/DF...etc., etc.
Too many people are self absorbed and do not realize how much they hurt others.  I think this is why this website and WWU is popular and necessary. 
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.
Junvenal

luise.volta

Someone, I wish I could remember who, once told me...in observing a couple..."They have so much in common. He loves her and she loves herself." It may have been meant to be funny but we all know that it isn't. I think you're right, WWU would be a nul-hypotheses if basic mutual respect was a given in our society.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

I hope one day Pen your Ds realises that the corner he is backed into is too small and breaks free .
My own DS himself admitted that his DW wouldn't let anyone near their DD when she was born , including
himself , well hallelujah it wasn't just me after all .
So maybe they do realise their partner has got faults , there is hope after all .
One day Pen , one day .

Grammie

Quote from: luise.volta on August 06, 2012, 09:18:52 AM
Someone, I wish I could remember who, once told me...in observing a couple..."They have so much in common. He loves her and she loves herself."

You hit the nail on the head with that one Luise.  I love it! 
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~

elsieshaye

((((Pen))))  I"m sorry you're having a rough day.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

luise.volta

We all are, Pen. We know the feeling all too well.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Just catching up Pen.  I hope today finds you back in good spirits and smiling. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

Thanks everyone. I'm getting there :) What else can I do? I refuse to let this get to me...BTW, that quote about says it all, lol!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Scoop

I agree that it's not a good marriage when one partner has to be subservient to the other.  Pen, I hope your DS realizes it before it's too late.  It took my DB 21 years and even then, XSisIL ended the marriage. 

That being said, I'm married to that kind of wienie too.  He doesn't want to make decisions, he'd rather just go along for the ride.  I've never said "no" to visiting his FOO, but I certainly don't suggest it and he doesn't bring it up either.  So I have to believe that he's not interested in a closer relationship with his FOO.  I have a feeling that, in our case, it's because he doesn't want to have to do any of the work in smoothing the relationship between us.  He could facilitate things, by "guiding" his P's (and me) to an easier relationship.  I think it's terrible that instead of standing up to his parents, he's turned his back.

ConstantMargaret wrote:
Quote from: constantmargaret on August 05, 2012, 11:35:37 AM
My DD is in a similar situation, and I'm wondering how long she'll allow the person she's with to alienate her from her family. We have a family wedding coming up and she just informed me they're getting a hotel instead of staying with us or any other member of the family, and I know money was an issue so I'm not sure why they wouldn't stay with family after being offered any number of options.

See?  This would be SUCH a good solution for us.  If we could stay at a hotel, I can guarantee you that we would visit the IL's more often.  If I could have 'smaller doses' of the IL's and some time to decompress, our visits would be more pleasant and I think our relationship would be better, and thus, we would visit MORE.   However, my MIL would take it as a MORTAL INSULT if we were to "not" stay with them.  To me, it's cutting off your nose to spite your face.

luise.volta

I find it so hard when others hold their preferences (values?) up to me as the norm. It's the norm for them. When I go to Hawaii to visit DS, Kirk, I stay in a motel because I am more comfortable there. Why would they insist I be uncomfortable and call it being hospitable? I like quiet time...and solitude as well as visiting up a storm, so we do both! :-) Everyone else stays with them and they love it. They have guest room and bath for them. And, I am at choice. There's no right or wrong way (to my way of thinking) and I just wouldn't go at all if they tried to make me fit into their mold or laid a guilt trip on me when I refused. Square peg...round hole. That's OK!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

It seems like such an easy fix, doesn't it? Just stay in a hotel :)  But nope, not when you're dealing with high conflict people.  Everyone seems to go out of their way to prevent anger, but IMHO, all it does is keep the high conflict person stuck in a cycle of control that just never works for them anyway. 

Scoop, does your husband ever risk his mothers wrath?  I understand not wanting to purposely hurt someone but IMO, her control of the situation is the side that is purposely hurting others -- your wishes are out of comfort and IMO, necessity. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

I have a beloved friend who lives out of state and who wants me to visit them. She won't take "no" for an answer regarding their guest room. She is insulted that I will only go if I stay in a motel. So be it. I ain't a gonna' go! LOL! She gets to have her point of view and...so do I. When she comes here, she stays with friends...but not with me. Different strokes for different folks. I love her to pieces and we don't have to be a matched set. Simple...but not necessarily easy, I agree.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Scoop

Quote from: pam1 on August 07, 2012, 09:11:15 AM
Scoop, does your husband ever risk his mothers wrath?

Pam - no, never.  Not even as a teenager did my DH ever stand up to his mother.  On the one hand, I know he's been conditioned to never question her.  FIL would always back MIL, no matter what, when DH or SisIL would fight with her.  MIL also had some rage issues, so there was some self-preservation in there too.  On the other hand, DH doesn't judge people, he thinks "she's my mother, I love her, period".  He can't separate the 2 ideas, as in, "she's my mother, and I love her, but I hate when she does xxxx".  And he would not know how to tell her "I love you, but you have to stop doing xxx".

I know that he doesn't have an adult relationship with his parents.  They think of him as a 'kid' and he still 'goes behind their backs".   So really, I guess, now that I think about it, it's asking too much of him to be able to smooth things over between me and the IL's.  He can't even do it for himself.  And sadly, MIL has used up all of her chances with me.