Have any of you actually ever just given up ?

[Grammie]

Doe, I love that, "give up the desire or power to punish".   I could forgive my son today if he were to put a stop to his ridiculous behavior.  When I told my family doctor what was going on she said "maybe he'll come back one day, if you'll take him back".  I thought that was an odd thing to say but as time goes on I'm beginning to see her point.  I think it's more a matter of boundaries for me.  If he wants back in my life after I have suffered, and grieved and learned to live without him then it won't be on his terms.  I did not walk away from him, he walked away from me.  I will respect his right to make his own decisions but I will not compromise my boundaries.  If he wants back it had better be while I'm healthy enough to enjoy my GC.  That's not punishing it's allowing him to suffer the natural consequences of his poor choices.  I am not the type that will apologize and beg for a place in his life.  I have not and never will insist that he apologize to me for the pain he has caused. I would be happy to put it in the past and move on.  Things will never be the same and I will never trust him but I would welcome a phone call or email.  Deep down in my heart I believe that he would never have done what he is doing of his own accord.  But regardless of the reason the hurt is the same.  It may come back to bite him though.  When wedding plans were being made DIL wasn't keen on the big wedding her parents wanted her to have.  When I asked her what kind of wedding she dreamed of as a child she told me that she never dreamed about her wedding because she hadn't planned to marry.  I'm guessing that if we're expendable he is too.

[firelight]

Sheen, your story reminds me of a dear friend my sis and I grew up with.  There were the parents, then 3 sisters with 1  brother.  A very close-knit fam for many years.  When I was around 18-19 (I am now 47.....48  next month!) the brother married (he married at an older age).  All I know is the new wife was very negative toward his fam and he eventually just stopped coming around till he was "estranged" for many years.  He even skipped his own dad's funeral, even though informed of it.  His behavior threw his fam into shock at first as they just didn't understand the power this woman had over him.  He was not the person they all knew.  He is only just now coming around his mom and talking to her on rare occasions.  Who knows what all took place as I only hear the story from my friend.  I know her brother's behavior hurt her mother very deeply for a very long time.  Point is, who knows what the future holds.  If it is important that even in your heart of hearts you do not give up, you need to self-preserve through the pain.  Most mom's hold that hope of a better day.  I can't help but wonder if your DS has someone or some thing who/that is influencing this estrangement.   I never had a lot of respect for my friend's bro due to being so easily swayed by this wife he chose.  I don't understand it....I know he didn't have a lot of girlfriends to date then when she came along, it seemed to be all over for his immediate fam ties.  His wife must have been the big negative influence and had nothing but complaints and negativity toward his family, but we all make our own choices.  Everything is a choice.  Why he would choose a person like this is unknown, but maybe in his own way he was desparate in some way (obviously).  Maybe he felt if he didn't have her he'd have no mate...who knows why in creation he would allow this, but he did. 

I really hope that you find peace some day in all of this, but as a mom I know these situations are anything but peaceful.  There is always that yearning.....

Warmest thoughts to you, Sheen.  You're in good company, my friend. 

[momnomore]

We have been estranged from our son on and off for 22 years now. It started with his drinking in High School. After a gun accident while drunk (shot himself in the toe) we grounded him and took his pick-up away.  Tough love.  He basically said screw you and went to a friends to live.  That didn't last long when my SIL stepped in and moved him in with her.  We ask her to stay out of it, hoping he would have to move back home and change his ways.  Long story short she partied with him and they drank together and had lots of fun. He finished his senior year living with her.  He didn't need his pick-up back because she had a new little sports car he drove.  We've never talked to her again.   That was the beginning of the end for us as parents.  Our realtionship with him has never been the same.  As far as giving up,  the pendelum swings back and forth.  The yearning has never seemed to go away for me, it just gets weaker I think. After all these years just this year I have seen a drastic change in how my DH feels.  I sense he has given up on him.    A whole year goes by and we might talk only a couple times to him.  It still hurts and probably will forever,  but the degree has lessened.   After 22 years you would think all hope would be gone and I'd give up....but there is still that tiny little glimmer of hope. 

[Pooh]

Reba, I removed your comment as it was not relevant to the topic.  If you have any questions about navigating the site that aren't explained in the posts, please feel free to email me.

[Sheen]

Hi momnomore
I was sorry to hear that you have been going thru this for such a long time. I thought eight years was long in relationship to so many on this site but you definately passed that. I am always encouraged to read other readers that hear from their sons or daughters even if the responses might not be what they wish for, at least they know they are well and making their own way in this world.  I really have no expectation of ever having a close relationship with my son or his family after all this time, but it would be easier to cope with, if I at least know he was doing ok . His sisters have gotten married, had children, family members have passed and thru all of it, he has never contacted any of us. I guess like you, I will always have that tiny glimmer of hope but also like you I have gotten to the point that I can supress it for the most part and continue with my life and enjoy the relationships I have with my daughters.
Firelight
I can understand the family's shock over the son's behavior as it threw all of us. I use to blame my dear dil and atributed much of the situation to her but to be honest I have not felt that way in years. He is an adult who was brought up to know right from wrong. He lived with all of us for 25 years until he enlisted so he knows what is true and what is not and there is nowhere to put blame for his behavior other then the guy who looks back at him in the mirror.
One thought has crossed my mind  and not sure if it comes into play with him or not. When my mom got sick, he made himself very absent in her last months. He would not discuss anything that related to her illness or her time on this earth being somewhat limited. He was extremely close to her for many years and it came as quite a shock that he took this approach. Once she was diagnosed he never saw her again and I am wondering if he finds this estrangement easier knowing he will not have to deal with my getting older etc.  It seems when I spend any time thinking about the situation, I just can't get past the how could he live his life like this part.  Oh well as Luise always says, there is no logic  so why spend your time trying to figure out.

Thanks all for the words, 

[momnomore]

Sheen,  Thank you for the nice reply. It's been a very long 22 years.   I think your right.  It's easy to find blame somewhere else other than our child, but at the end of the day we are all only responsible for what we ourselves do. We try so hard as parents to train our kids to do what's right but I think we can only mold our kids so far because they have a free will.  I do think that in order to survive we have to start thinking what is in our best interest for our own life and move in that direction.  Sounds simple, but when you have always put your kids first it takes real effort and thought.  It doesn't come natural. 

[firelight]

So true we are all responsible for our own actions and choices.   I still like to blame my SIL for what has happened with my DD and her choices.  Reality, though, is her choices are her choices.  No matter the outcome.  Still have hope she wakes up one day or he comes to his senses and does a big " man up". 

Till then, I will enjoy my GD when able and continue on with my Zumba!  It's a great release.

DD and SIL will either wake up or she/he won't and that's that.  She actually did find a part time job this week, so that's something.  SIL on the other hand is still sitting there, even though homeless (living in a pop up camper).  But that is her life and I don't have to live with her consequences. 

[momnomore]

Firelight, I don't know about you, but I don't want a front row seat watching our AC mess their life up.  I find I'm better off to stay busy and unattached from them while their making a mess of their life.  It's just too stressful and hurtful....and we can't change a thing....we've tried.    I just hope I live long enough to see them "wake up".

[Grammie]

I agree momnomore.  It is easier to cope if I disconnect.  My son posts pictures on FB of my GC but I have found that looking at them brings it all back.  Navigating past the comments and posts just upsets me.  I don't want to watch my GC grow up via FB so I no longer look.   

[momnomore]

Grammie, Your wise to disconnect for now.  It doesn't mean it will always be like this, but for now we need to protect ourselves from the hurt they're causing us.  I was coping o.k. when we were close to our DD, but now the "good one", our DD,  went bad and it was more than I could handle.  Our son has hurt us so bad and I wasn't able to cope when our DD turned on us.   We don't get to have our GC anymore and we miss our SIL too.  He's not proud of how his wife, our DD,  is treating us and has tried to make her see how wrong she is, but this is where we're at for now so we are trying to make the best of it.  Attitude is half the battle. Oh I do have my bad days, but they're not as frequent.   Stay disconnected and try to stay positive.   

[mywebb]

i have given up any hope of reconciliation i have accepted what has happened , forgiven my daughter and now just trying to live our lives ...sink or swim

[firelight]

Hi momnomore,

unfortuantely, you made an excellent point. 

[Reba]

right on momnomore!

[SCW]

As per Face book, I have cut off communication with all of my family except one DS, DM and ODS.  All of my offending AC are not even on my radar.

Of course I have Aunts who are just now getting up to date, but these are also WW, I trust them and their honesty, and life experiences.

DD and I have not spoken in too many years, except for her to say "I know" and giggle when I told her I was proud of her and what a good Mom she was.  Yeah....that aint happenin' no more. DS has beaten me up one time too many.

I guess I have given up. 
Given up on allowing myself to be hurt.
Given up on being a victim. 
Given up on trying to compliment.
Given up on speaking to those who do not deserve my time.
Given up on giving them my power!

[luise.volta]

My take is that sounds to me like "stepping up to the plate." The one that is about self respect. Sending love...