Have any of you actually ever just given up ?

[Sheen]

I was just wondering if any of you have reached the point of giving up the notion of ever reconcilling with your estranged children. In my case it has been eight years since I last saw my AS and at this point, I have no idea where he is living, how he is doing etc. I have tried getting in contact with him over the last years and short of hiring a pi , it has not been a successful search.  He has not only cut me out of his life but also his three sisters, aunts, uncles etc.

Our original disagreement concerned money but that was fourteen years ago and it ended up I wiped the slate clean of over 85,000 dollars in hopes it wold mend the relationship. He has never actually said what his problem was although I gather it was because I made the incorrect assumption that he would actually pay back the loan as agreed. In his eyes, it was totally wrong for a parent to expect that and it should just be taken as a responsibility of the parent.

As far as my dil , I really have never had any type of relationship with her as we have never lived close enough for that to happen. For the last fourteen years I have lived outside the US and when I did live there, we were on different coasts. They are both in their early forties so I don't hold much hope that they might reconsider their relationships with our family for whatever reason. They have two children which I have seen once, eight years ago. For the first few years I sent birthday, Christmas gifts but never heard anything and the last year I sent them they were returned because they no longer lived at the address I had. 

Like many of you, I do not understand how a son who I had always maintained a close relationship with, suddenly turned into this person I no longer know and although I have gotten to the point that I accept this is the way they want it, there are still those days when I can't help but feel so confused by the whole thing. My relationships with my three daughters has remained strong and constant and I feel badly that he has chosen to just eradicate them as well as me from his life.

In cases like this, we all do go on with our lives but no matter how much we try to bury the pain , it still does surface from time to time. 

[Pen]

Sheen, it's good to hear from you! I was wondering the same thing recently. It would be interesting to hear what the others have to say.

[SCW]

Hello   
I wonder if you are talking about just giving up, or acceptance of the situation as it stands.

I think I have come to accept that my DD will always have bad feelings when it comes to myself and DH.  It has been probably 8 years in the making for us as well.  Although she has made it sound like it began when she was 14 years old (27 now.)  I have gone through the grieving process with DD and I think always knew things were not right with DS.

Giving up, to me, would mean there will never be any contact, they would never accept me as their mother, that we all just dissipate into oblivion.  That there is no afterlife where we will see each other, and forgiveness will come.  I still hope that on my death bed they will be there saying that they love me and are sorry for all of our lost time.  (lol, I think it will be too late to change my will by then, and they may hate me after the reading)

I think it is acceptance is more accurate.  Acceptance of the status quo until that time when all is well.   Yes the pain still surfaces.

[Doe]

I agree with the point about accepting the situation as it is.  The words that came to my mind were "just letting it be".

My situation is still fresh with my son/DIL (about a year) but I have no expectation of seeing my GC and DIL in the future and I've come to accept that.

This reminded me that I have a sister that I don't plan to ever see again.  When we were younger, she did something that was unforgivable in my eyes, then added to it a couple of times.  She never asked forgiveness and I never gave it.  We were close while we lived under the same roof and I did suffer the loss for a while.  It took me several years to give it up but I hardly think about her anymore.   

Your situation is different - not knowing the exact cause can stick us to a situation.  Like trying to put a puzzle together when you're lacking all the pieces.

I'm glad for you that your daughters stayed in the family and do understand that it gets tough at times.

[luise.volta]

I never gave up on my son. I (eventually) gave up my expectations, hopes, dreams, wants and perceived needs regarding having a relationship with him after he became an adult. I couldn't change him and he had the right to choose his own life path...but I did have the right to move through shock, pain, self-pity, righteous indignition, any sense of fairness and all logic...so I could heal. It never made sense and never will but I make sense to me. I may stand accused (of what I've never been quite sure) but I will never accept the verdict of guilty. I know who and what I am and rewriting history and trying to make me into someone else is something I am not going to accept. I accept that my son has the right to reinvent me to his own specifications...for whatever reason or no reason at all. I have, however, taken back his right to destroy me.

[Sheen]

Thanks for the opinions, I guess give up is the wrong phrase because giving up implies that I would not welcome him back in my life if that is what he wanted. What I mean is since it has been so long since I heard from him, despite my tries at trying to locate him, I have just given up with the search persay.  Neither I or my daughters have moved since all this happened and if he wished to contact any of us, it would not be hard to get our numbers or addresses. 

Luise, I like the way you put it that you stand accused but refuse to accept the guilty verdict. I too know that when it came to him, I always did what I could for him and helped in any way that was possible. I was a good mom to him and no matter how he wishes to rewrite history the facts are facts. I believe he thinks that we are the only ones being punished in this situation but I think to completely alienate his children from their relatives on this side is also punishing them.  They have aunts, uncles and cousins that they have never met and for all general purposes know nothing about and I think this is unfair to them as well.

We all have said that we find it difficult to discuss our situations with people that do not know and I have often wondered how he handles those questions that pertain to his family. I am pretty sure that he has chosen to be the victim in those conversations .
At any rate, thanks for your views,  was just having one of those days . We are planning a trip back to the states in the fall and will have Thanksgiving with our daughters which is great. But every time I do visit I always feel that I should try harder to contact him or something. Temporary lapse I guess.  So glad this site is here for our weak moments .  Hugs

[luise.volta]

S - Weak moments and humanness go together. That's a lot of what we share here and learn to live with. Sending love...

[Grammie]

SCW, Allowing them come apologize as I lay sick or dying is one thing I will not accept!  If they show up at my deathbed or funeral they will be sent away.  Perhaps in time forgiveness will change my mind but not now.  I see that as a chance to clear their conscience rather than bring me peace.  I won't allow them that opportunity.  That is between them and their higher power and I want no part if it.

[luise.volta]

In time you my want to forgive just to let go of judgment and the discomfort it brings...no matter how well-founded. My take is that carrying it around hurts us, not them. However...(I love that work!)...trust once broken is a thing of the past for most of us. We give our hearts openly and willingly...and if need be, we take them back.

[jill]

I think I have given up the hope that odd and I will ever have a normal mother/daughter relationship, there has been too much hurt for that, and I do not feel I could ever trust her again.   I took her out for lunch for her birthday recently, (I was surprised she actually accepted)  and for a while things seemed okay although I could sense the anger in her voice, then she started on her rant about the same things she has gone on about for the past 3 years.  I have apologized for hurting her till I am blue in the face, and she told me she will decide when I have apologized enough, and she said she will probably forgive me when I am dead.  I am now realizing that as long as she holds on to this anger, things will never change, but strangely enough, I am starting to feel at peace with the situation.  I know I will continue to have ups and downs, it has taken a long time to get to this stage...........Jill

[Keys Girl]

I have given up on the expectations that I had that my son and I would have a close knit relationship, as we had while he was growing up (and we had our rough patches but they were worked out).   I don't know what the future holds for him, his wife, maybe some children.  I do know that taking care of myself and determining what my future holds and what direction I want to move is Job #1.  There are still times that I think of him and wish that things had worked out better, but I'm holding firm that the most important part of my life is me.

KG

[Ruth]

If in 'giving up' you are alluding to a state where the loss wouldn't hurt so much any more, then I would have to say no.  Mother love seems to be a unique form of love.  Its persistence and tenacity will go the distance under the most rigorous strain, it seems to me, where it can strike out with a sibling.  It took a long time, but I eventually came to terms with the reality that my DS had a personality which does not lend itself to the kind of loving, compassionate relationship I longed for.  He is gradually connecting to me now, in his own way.   I have a sort of new grief now to work through in the form of a much deeper grasp of my DS personality and as a result, a deeper sense of the loss.  I am painfully aware now that what it is, is pretty much what it will be.  I was stuck for many years in the loss and grief state, blaming myself.  On top of all this, I have some degree of grief now about how much of my life that self blame ate up.  I mean, it was just so unfruitful because it wasn't even reality for the most part.  Years I can't get back.  It has been a hard path, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody else.  As far as forgiveness goes, I never had an issue with it toward my DS, the unforgiveness was always directed toward myself.  Sheen, I'm pretty confident that at some point your DS will resurface in your life.  All of us probably share the same emotions when that happens.  Its just as painful and unmanageable as the estrangement was.

[SCW]

In holding on to the guilt you will never be able to forgive them or yourself.  But not forgiving is hurting you and giving them the power over your life that no one has a right to.   Grammie, your pain is very real and your anger is still very fresh...but it is geared towards someone who does not deserve to hold that power over you.  Only you can forgive and give yourself freedom from that anger and hurt. 

I have apologized many times to my children...for what I really do not know.  I have told them I did the best I could, and what I knew.  I have also forgiven them the hurt they cause me.  This allows me to live my life, without them.  I still hurt, I still hope.  I also wish them the best, and do not hope they fall off the earth.  I hope that I will see them on the proverbial death bed and we can tell each other one last time how much we love each other. 

For you, Grammie I wish peace.

"Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge."    Isaac Friedmann

[Pooh]

Hmmm....now see I'm torn.  I believe, in time, I will be able to forgive my Son.  I don't dwell on it any longer but I can't honestly say I have forgiven him.  Even if I get to the point of forgiving him, I still wouldn't want him to just show up at the hospital if I was majorly sick.  I have to admit, I would feel the same way as Grammie.  I can forgive someone but that doesn't mean I want them around.

Sheen, I think it's acceptance too with no expectations.  That's not a permanent closing of the door.

[Doe]

I find etymology fascinating and had to look up "forgive" since it's always been a mushily defined word for me.
Here's what I came up with (synonym.com):

O.E. forgiefan "give, grant, allow; forgive," also "to give up" and "to give in marriage;" from for- "completely" + giefan "give" (see give). The modern sense of "to give up desire or power to punish" is from use of the compound as a Germanic loan-translation of blah blah blah blah etc etc.

An interesting concept - to give up the desire or power to punish. 

If that's what it's all about, I have forgiven people in that I don't feel the need to punish them, but I've also lost interest in them.  I don't know if it's worse to be unforgiven or to be ignored?  If you are unforgiven, then at least the person is still fixated on you somewhat.  Being forgotten or ignored is a bigger blow, imo.