Right back to where we were before it seems, so very tired

[JaneF]

Update on my soap opera life!     I will try to tell it and keep my sanity.  Apparently daughter and husband have been using drugs STILL, even after scare with arrest etc.  Problem is that it's advanced to needles now!  Great.  He has made false police reports about stolen meds to get more prescribed (he admitted to me).  Daughter left him again about 2 weeks ago because she even said his drug use was getting way out of control.  But remember they met in drug rehab...so DUH!  I refused to help her when she left the last time as I had told her I would.  But she conned her ex into coming to get her!  He WAS clean only a few weeks himself, now using again.  The womens shelter had no vacancy at all, I checked.  I was going to have her and the boys go there because I have had all I can take.  The temps have been in the hundreds, and too hot for boys outside anywhere (for safety sake).  They came to my home on a temporary only basis.  She was due to get her own place by the first of August.  Her husband and her were sneaky though and he planned to drive down to get her AGAIN.  No surprise.  He borrowed a VERY NICE newer vehicle from an uncle.  Well, he apparently chose to be under the influence of the needle when he drove down, rolled that vehicle and got ejected, was life flighted in critical condition.  Had emergency surgery on spleen, has broken pelvis, shattered shoulder etc.  Daughter had called police to report him making false statement to get drugs, she called his doctor to report his abuse with the needles etc.  She told me and so did he (via conference calls) that he was buying methodone and vicodin, morphine and lyrica from a guy that gets them from the V.A.  Daughter admitted that the expenditures every month for the pills reaches into several hundred dollars a month.  He gets only $300 a month after paying his child support, my daughter gets disability and welfare on the 2 boys.  He needs her $ to survive and keep his habit.  But guess what?  She is planning to go right back.  I told them both I will be calling family services, his probation officer, the police, prosecutor, doctors, and anyone else I can call.  I told her I will fight for custody of the boys because I have enough to win for sure.  I can easily take care of the granchild I already have (age 13), and one of the boys (age 9 now), my problem is the little one not in preschool yet.  Of course if she chooses to leave I caanot and will not stop her.  If she takes the boys legally I cannot stop her.  Sadly I have been thinking (as hard as it is) that I should just let it go.  I told her if they leave I will NOT help again and she will not use the boys to hold me hostage.  I think I will say goodbye, make the phone calls I feel I should make, then let things run their course.  Any advice from you ladies that might help?  I just really do not know whether to keep fighting or not.  I do not get needed support from legal system or child protective services.  Every time I think she may do better, she reverts back to this.  I am not shocked though, just disappointed.  She cannot see that this guy only wants her for her check, food stamps and kids $ to support his drug habit.  Nothing more I can do.  I feel okay in knowing I have done my best at least.  I said I will change phone numbers and will not respond to her cries for help that I know will come within a few short months from now...but I am done with it.  Am I doing the right thing?  I guess I need validation that it is okay for me to let go for my health and sanity!     Thanks for lending an ear ladies.   J

[Beth 2011]

JaneF,

I can see you are trying to make a tough decision and that you are worried for your GC and DD.  Once things ran their course, would you be able to get the GC right away?  Maybe once they are taken from her care and her income is limited, her BF will be a memory.  Is that what you are thinking too?  And that she will clean up with him out of the picture and provide a stable home for the GC?  You are a very strong lady.  Good Luck and God Bless on whatever decision you make.

[Doe]

  I told them both I will be calling family services, his probation officer, the police, prosecutor, doctors, and anyone else I can call.  I told her I will fight for custody of the boys because I have enough to win for sure.

Hallelujah - at least now those children will know that someone cares enough to fight for them.  Right on Jane, you rock.

[Keys Girl]

JaneF, at some point in time you need to be protective of your own health and sanity, no sense in jumping out of the lifeboat into the water.  It's an incredibly difficult situation but you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of the GCs and keep yourself on the path for your own sake.

You put the oxygen mask on in an airplane before you put one on the child, so you need to take care of yourself first.

Are there some kind of drug addiction supportive groups in your area? You are on a difficult path, but maybe there is help out there for you that would help you deal with the GCs.

Take care,
KG

[not like the movies]

When it comes to life's soap operas we do get to choose what part we shall play and direct our performance only. We have no control when others forget their parts or their lines. Sometimes AC need another set of cast members that are professionals. I had to learn when the stage setting was larger than life and exit the stage. Not easy to do when I had been so rehearsed in my former role.
I took on a new role. I am happier and more productive on my own stage that I set.

[Keys Girl]

When it comes to life's soap operas we do get to choose what part we shall play and direct our performance only. We have no control when others forget their parts or their lines. Sometimes AC need another set of cast members that are professionals. I had to learn when the stage setting was larger than life and exit the stage. Not easy to do when I had been so rehearsed in my former role.
I took on a new role. I am happier and more productive on my own stage that I set.

Well said, and very wise.
KG

[luise.volta]

We are here for you and you are alone with it. Both are true. My take is that there is no doing the right thing or the wrong thing, either. Everyone matters...and the bottom line is that if you don't take care of you, there will be no you to be there for others. Sending love and deep compassion to all of you...

[Sparrowlove]

I got my oldest son from parents like your DD after his sisters death.  After you get the kids please get them some help because we don't know how the drug use have affected them as kids.  My son did not do drugs as a teen but he was angry. They my need some help to work out their feeling. Sometimes in life we have to the hardest thing is  JUST STAND STILL AND WAIT AND PRAY that it will work out for the best.  You are in my thoughts and prayers to save your family

[Pen]

Thinking of you as always, JaneF. I hope everything improves for all concerned.

[JaneF]

Thanks for the replies dear ladies (once again). I am feeling a bit less stressed today, possibly due to the fact that I did have another sit down pow-wow with my daughter. I just told her how I felt, and what I was willing to accept and what I refused to accept. I also just told her she is an adult, and she will be the one to suffer any consequences of her choices because I refuse to help her or RESCUE her from a bad choice she might make. Even if this involves the grandchildren. I will not allow her to use them as pawns. She SAID she has no plans to return to the husband or that environment...but time will tell right? I did have a frank discussion again with my wonderful husband and he supports me. This too shall pass, and I will return to my normal self. I sometimes just get so frustrated at some that seem to never learn from mistakes, and also expect others to pick up the pieces after they screw up.  lol  I'll get over it! My daughter knows where I stand for sure, now she has to decide what she intends to do from here on out, and she knows she will have to live with the choices she makes now. Thank you for the wise comments as always. I have a business trip coming up in September, so I am looking forward to a mini vacation alone for 4 days in a lovely hotel and good meals, as well as time to just enjoy some time with several other female co-workers. It will be a great treat, even though it is work related! I do love my job so it isn't really like work to go on these trips! Have a most fabulous day ladies.   J

[JaneF]

*SIGH*  Daughter sneaked away in the middle of the night Tuesday, or early Wednesday morning I should say.  On the 25th.  And she had just told me she had no plans to return to husband on the 22nd!  Sadly, we were not shocked by this.  She took the boys again too, of course. Didn't bother to tell her daughter goodby either, just left her without a word, again.  Luckily she is a happy, stable 13 year old and took it in stride!  Great kid I have to admit.  I spoke to son in law Thursday the 26th and told him simply, I am done.  I cannot and will not put up with their drama anymore.  My daughter left him and ran off with her first husband three weeks ago, ended up at my house 2 weeks ago because the ex is not better still... , now she sneaks off and goes back to second husband that just totalled a relatives suv because he shoots up drugs, and he got out of hospital this week.  lol  This is the life my 2 young grandsons live.  I did speak with family services like I think I mentioned in another ...post, and was treated pretty badly by the caseworker actually.  She mentioned lawyers and accusing them and harrassment!!!!  Well guess what ladies???  My daughter sent me text messages last night at 11 pm and said she and husband plan to go to rehab, and admitted to still using drugs!  I so wanted to call family services back and tell them HA, I told you so...and why don't you do your job???  I am waiting to see what happens next. My daughter said she found a rehab center that allows women only, and they can bring their children with them...hmmm, not sure how I feel about that just yet, I am still shocked that there is a place that does that...but who knows?  I will wait and see if she actually goes first, of course there will probably be a bit of wait time, so we shall see.  Her husband is looking into a place too she said.  I will believe it when I see it ladies!  They are wearing me out and they are not even near me now!  lol  I see a nice relaxing tub soak in my near future and maybe a relaxing music cd...ahhhh.  Have a most delightful evening ladies!  J

[luise.volta]

Oh, J., you must be wiped out. I'm so sorry. I know as this situation goes on and on what the odds are from reading other posts here. It seems like a miracle to me that your 13 year-old granddaughter is dong OK. What a blessing! And you are that blessing, of course. Sending love...

[Pen]

Enjoy your soak

[JaneF]

Luise, thanks so much for your kind response, but to be truthful that little 13 year old has been the real blessing in all of this.  We have her to focus on which allows us to have that joy, and it gives much less time to dwell on upsets!  You see my husband did not marry until age 34 (luckily I am that wife!)  lol, but I had already been married and divorced, had all of my children, went through the death of a son and then before I was 24 I had to have a hysterectomy.  So my husband helped me raise my kids, and they were ages almost 11, 6, and 4 when we met.  He never had children of his own, so since we got this grandchild right straight out of the preemie icu when she was barely over 4 pounds when we brought her home, it is like she was really our own child. My daughter took her away for a few weeks (too long a story for now), we fought the state because daughter signed adoption papers on her...but we hired attorney and gor her back!!!  We have full custody.  So you see, she really IS a blessing!  My daughter called today again, and arrangements have been made for her and husband to go to different rehabs (on a short waiting list which is normal)...she found one near that allows women only, and they can have their kids there with them!!!  This may be perfect for her (if she follows through). The kids gets counseling as well, they can get schooling on site, she can get parenting help, help to get her bipolar meds straightened out, and address the drug abuse issues all at this place.  I am never dropping my guard, but I am hopeful for my grandkids sakes. Thanks again for all of the responses and kindness ladies.  Just another chapter in my soap opera life!  lol    J

[luise.volta]

J - I wonder if you have an inkling...just a tiny bit of insight...to be able to get what a totally amazing person you are and what a diference you are making. Sending love...