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Communication and Contact with Grandchildren & Son-In-Law

Started by michellealane, April 29, 2010, 12:26:42 pm

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My daughter lives with her husband and two daughters in her parents-in-law's home.  Her family has a basement apartment that is connected to the rest of the "McMansion."  This arrangement was made when my daughter and her fiance found out that they were pregnant.  Her cats weren't allowed to move in with them because of zoning laws and allergies.  It was proposed that they would have a seperate entrance and that her brother and I could come visit whenever we were invited.

It's been about 3 1/2 years since all this began, and I am not really allowed at the house.  My son, her brother, is allowed at the house.  In fact, as far as I know, most everybody is allowed at the house.  All holidays are spent with my son-in-law's family.  Rarely is the phone picked up when I call the house, so I can't even make arrangemets to see my grandchildren.  When I ask to see them, if it fits into my daughter's schedule, it happens.  I'm not really complaining about her.  She's great and does her best.  I try not to stress her out.  My son-in-law has been diagnosised with MS.  He cannot drive.  Our relationship is up and down.  He doesn't answer the phone is I call when she's at work.  I can't go pick up the kids or him.  I've been told that it's his mother that doesn't want me around.  She takes care of the grandchildren while my daughter works.  I'd be willing to take of my granddaughters, but not allowed.  I have not been invited to my granddaughter's birthday party for the last two years.

I was a single parent.  I lived my life for my children.  My ex is a terrible person.  It is killing me to go through this.  My son-in-law's family doesn't like me for some reason (I was a Welfare mother?), and I am being cut off from my grandchildren.  I have to find a way to go forward because I am practically suicidal over this.  Every holiday with them and not me.  No birthdays.  IT'S KILLING ME AND I WISH I WAS DEAD!


Dear Michelle, you've come to the right place. There are women here who have gone through similar things and can help you much better than I, but I'm sending you good wishes and support anyway. My heart breaks hearing your story. Although my situation isn't the same, I am dealing with shunning by my DIL and her family. It affects everything, and I know what pain you're in. Please stay with us and see if we can't help you make things better. {{{hugs}}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Welcome aboard!  You will find the support and understanding you need here.  We are all going through some relationship issues and that's why we sought out this forum.  We are like a family!  I hear the pain in your words and I hurt along with you!  Anyone with a heart in your situation would be devastated.  I wish you didn't have to go through this.  :(    It sounds like possibly your daughter is allowing the financial benefits of her in-laws influence her judgement.  Life just isn't fair sometimes - definitely not in this case.  Don't give up hope - eventually she may have her fill of her in-laws and turn to you.  I feel the same as Pen stated, "There are women here who have gone through similar things and can help you much better than I".  I'm here to give you support and encouragement, but others are better equipped to give you advise.  Since you are feeling "practically suicidal" I would like to suggest that you also seek out a therapist if you haven't already.  We are not professional therapists, just caring women.  Hang in there and know we are here for you! 
Hugs coming your way...........Hope


michelle:  I am sorry to what is happening to you.  I am a newie too.  I had problems with dil  about 2 or 3 years ago.   I also wanted to die.  I cried all the time because she made me feel like if I wasnt the grandmother and did humiliating things to me.  (long story).   My son didnt want to have problems with my dil  and when he was present when she was disrespecting us (in-laws), my son would kind of fight with her lightly.  I didnt want them to have problems either so I just took all and never bother my son telling on her.  It was worst because I went into a major depression.   Everyone got to see my grandchildren more than me.  When my son gave me the baby to hold she was just staring with a face that I dont wish to remember like if I would harm the baby.  I think it was a time she hated  me.  But when I didnt have anything to lose I did speak to my son only to let him know that I would step out of otheir lives because I couldnt take it any longer.  Well everything changed....but it took about two about one year for these to happen.  Now everything is different (I got lucky) and get along pretty well. 

Michelle:  Just hold on there.  Keep your distance for a while.  You have to sort out all your feelings and come to the acceptance of things.  Things we cannot change (or people we cannot change).    I feel that in your case is different because she is your daughter and she will always come back to you.  It will take a lot of strength, probably therapy but it will work out fine for you.   You should not center all your attention in your daughter and grandchild.  You have a son.  He will probably make you a happy granny.  Dont lose hope Michelle.  The only thing that I hold on was to God.  I would put my problem in his hands.  And most of all taking the decision of not letting dil hurt me anymore made me feel much better.   These problems are a blow to our our self-esteem and we should never let anyone make us feel diminished.   And that is our choice.  I will pray for you and other women in this site that have exactly the same story.  May God Bless us all.
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:


Thinking of you and sending love...

None of us can understand the kind of rejection you are facing but/and many of us have experienced it. If wishing you were dead is just an expression that's one thing...if it is at all real...you need to move past our Web-forum and on to crisis intervention, please...right away.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama



I have BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, and for years.

PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.  As Hope suggests, get what help you can.  Meanwhile, you can write to this list and know that at least some on this list will understand you.  Be warned, there will be a few who will find fault and lay the blame on you and this right now you cannot take, so ignore it.

You will also find a lot of sage advice and real support here.  Plus the opportunity to let your feelings out and see what they look like written down.

But I am worried about you.  You MUST NOT take this out on yourself.  You must do whatever it takes to get some distance from the situation.  It may or may not change, and I pray that it does, but in caring for yourself you are changing the way you react.  And that can mean everything.

Keep writing,



Dear Michelle..You sound pretty desperate.  But, it does sound as though you have an ace in the hole with your daughter.  She is kind of stuck in the middle but with a little talk and discussion with her about your feelings might help a great deal. Let her know how much you love and care about her and the grandchildren and how you miss being with them.  Why not suggest a holiday at your house this year given she has had the last two or three with his?  It's pretty lonely out there. If not the holiday day, make arrangements for that week or the following. Sounds to me like the Mother of the son has absolutely no compassion at all.  However, maybe she really does.  If you heard she doesn't like you, then maybe she has heard you don't like her. If I thought for one minute that setting up a time with her and the daughter to make arrangements for a holiday or sharing the grandchildren would solve the problem I would pick up the phone and make that call.  Don't put yourself through this agony.  Let them know how you feel. Nothing wrong with that at all. It can be done very diplomatically.  Try it..You have nothing to lose.


Does your daughter have a cell phone or an email address of her own?  If you can get her an inexpensive pay-as-you go phone just to be able to talk to you, if she's amenable to that, it may circumvent her husband and MIL somewhat.  Do you get to talk to her at all?
This too shall pass.  All is well.