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back to her old tricks

Started by firelight, July 13, 2012, 02:35:04 AM

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firelight

Well, sadly, looks like my DD and SIL are drugging again.  It is with disgust and a heavy heart for my GD I write. 

I had my DD and GD spend the night a few nights ago.  Caught her in another lie and it blindsided me.  Her pupils were as big as Texas when she finally got in my car.  I quietly confronted her in her quick and well constructed lie that anyone would have believed by her sincerity.  My gut wanted to drive away and leave her there in the rat hole she calls a residence and I'm surprised she actually stayed in the car when I called her out on the lie. 

My gut is in knots.  Apparently the air conditioner I bought for them to use (new last year) has been sold after she went on about how wonderful it is to have it.  To make a long story short, the partner of their landlord was asked by my SIL to write me a false receipt as I paid the extra money ($60 for 2 mos of air conditioner use that is extra on top of the reg rent they are charged....I do not pay their rent) out of concern for my GD living in the hole with them in 100 degree days on some days.  Looks like they could care less how hot it gets for GD.   My DD and DIL went inside for a bit just before I was to leave with DD and GD.   The landlord's business partner took that opportunity to inform me that they do not have an air conditioner and he felt I needed to know because he could not write a receipt for what they do not use.  He told me he felt what my SIL and DD was trying to do is wrong.  The money is gone.  the air conditioner is gone that was not theirs to sell.  The rehab I assisted with getting them to is in the toilet. 

I do not think this is heroin use again just yet but most probably the oxycontin they admittedly used to take or yet some other drug that is leading back up to it.  Unsure as to what it actually is. 

GD seems happy and healthy for now and I was initially asked for a ride to the store to get the baby some milk which I of course agreed to do.  She agreed to accpet the invite to spend the night with my sis and I (hubby out of town so we thought it would be a fun girls night).  but once again, my DD found a way to ruin the evening unknowingly as her chronic lying and getting back into drug use was the focus. 

I quietly confronted her in the car and that's when she about jumped back out just before we left and I was actually hoping she would.  I left it up to her as to if she wanted to come over and she actually stayed in the car. 

I did not dwell on the issue for the evening once we got to my home but did talk to her about it the next day.  I initially had plans for us to have s'mores and hang out on the deck and just have a fun girls night but it was overshadowed by the darkness of her drug addiction and chronic lying that I see is not going to change.  On a brighter note, it wasn't a bad night since I left the hot topic off the table and my GD had her very first s'more which she loved.  but my gut was in knots during the visit.  DD did take good care of my GD while they were here in my home. 

I feel that if they are up to their old tricks selling everything under the sun for their drugs, then it must be time for me to call a lawyer and see what to do .  I am so worried about my GD as the last time they drugged and started acting like this heroin was the outcome and a bad scene.  I can't believe with all I saw them go through with their withdrawals they are back into the drug scene. That didn't take long.   My DD was in rehab a lot longer than SIL and he really didn't make much effort.  I dislike him like no other.  I wish he would disappear.  He seems to thrive on pulling her down in the hole with him and she allows it.  I will have to get a free consult or 2 with lawyers and see if I need to petition the court.  I do not want to raise another child but am very worried about my GD.  DD did great with her while her in my home and GD sure loves her momma.  However, with the rif-raf that slinks around those "rooms for rent" and the constant coming and going of  "bottom of the barrel" creepy tenents , I'm afraid something could happen to GD sooner or later since all DD and SIL (who is the champion chronic liar) seem to care about is their drugs and sleeping.  SIL constantly looks like he's been sleeping no matter what time of day I have shown up there.  My gut is so tied up my appetite is gone.  Losing sleep.   I had taken the GD's crib over so she'd have a bed and not sleep in the bed her parents have or on the floor.  Well, the other day I showed up unexpectedly and one of the "lovely" tenants let me in through the coded door and I witnessed the crib full of other items and filled to the brim.  GD had a "bed" of blankets on the floor in their small bedroom they live in .  The thing is, when I took her bed over my DD made up this big wonderful story about how the SIL turned it into a daybed (that it is a feature of this crib) and described how GD loved it into the minutest details of how she did when they put it up!  Only for me to see it was never done and is just a big storage crib.  I am very disturbed and do not know who my DD is or what planet she is from.  I'm sick.  Just sick.   Not to mention my own DM has had money coming up missing again a few days ago....and who was around?  My DD.  I left a message with a person whom my DD will be seeing this a.m. for her to call me.  Interested to see how she will react to what I have to say since we've seen this same scene before with her stealing from my DM.  My DM has had her clean for her as she can no longer do it very well......that's what she is doing there in the first place.  I want to throw up. 

I hope this post is understandable as I feel as if I'm just numb and rambling on at this point. 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

firelight

P.S.  My DM pays my DD for cleaning her home but I guess that's not enough and she feels entitled to help herself to DM's purse.  My DM is not in the best of health and also mentally ill which makes her a perfect target for a drug addict.  My SIL was also there recently getting her air conditioner to work better which it now is.....but it seems any time the 2 of them are around my DM, money comes up missing again.  DD is my only child (with the exception of a stepson, who is an AC as well) and that old familiar feeling rose up again that yells to me:  "fail".  I mind tells me it is not my fault and I hear luise's wise words but it all just hit me like a ton of bricks and the ugly word just rang in my ears. 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

firelight

Right now I feel that if it weren't for my sweet little GD, I wouldn't hesitate to tell my DD never to darken my doorstep again with her presence.  I withhold those words because I want to see my GD.  It's all just so sick. 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Elise

You are perfectly clear in your description and assessment of what is going on with DD. Will they let you spend time having your gd alone.  That may be all you can do for now - provide stability to offset the destructive and erratic actions and non actions of her parents. How old is the little one? This is a nightmare I so wish no one, and most specifically you, had to deal with. I have no idea what to do, and the tough love approach is pretty impossible with the little one, though maybe there is some modification of same which would remove you at least from some of the problem in time. Please remember to do things for yourself to mitigate the being 'sucked down' effect of all of this. 

Doe

(((((firelight)))))))

About the failure part - I don't think you failed as a mother raising a child but you aren't winning at directing her life for her.  We all fail when we try to live our AC lives or change their lives when they don't want to be changed, don't we?   Raising a little one to learn how to live in the world is a much different task than trying to inspire another adult to be a responsible person.  I know it feels awful to see a loved one digging deeper and deeper holes for themselves - but you're not to blame if you're standing on the side reminding them that they don't have to do it.

Is there some way that you could have more time with your GC?  Or does she feel threatened when you offer to take her?


Monroe

Dear Firelight --

I am so sorry for you pain.  You are right to be thinking of the little one.  She has to be your one and only priority.  Have your daughter and SIL been reported to the social services agencies?  I know you don't want to turn your daughter in, but the alternative is to let the baby stay in a dangerous environment - which is risky.  If she and SIL are drugging, it is probably time for the agencies to step in, do their investigation, and take whatever steps are necessary. 

Perhaps they will determine that your GD is safe.  If they determine GD is at risk, wouldn't it be better to take preventive steps now rather than wait until something awful happens to the baby?

If you don't look out for the baby, who will?

firelight

Thanks everyone. 
Yes, I can spend as much time as I want with my GD.  I did tell my DD she is the only one who can change her situation or choose to live this life.  I told her nothing will change unless she changes it.   I did ask her if she wanted to be around for GD because if she continues to travel the hard drug road, she may not be.  But the thing is, when people are doing the type of drugs they are doing, consciences and morals seem to go out the windows and only the chronic lies remain to get that drug.  Apparently, neither of them have hit their personal rock bottoms yet....it kills me because I held her in my arms as she went through heroin withdrawals at my home.  Part of me died then.  To witness that, makes one wonder how one could ever even remotely think of going back to drugs.  But it's part of the addiction....it's horrible horrible horrible.  I just hope she doesn't resort to that one again.  I did pay her to clean my home that I haven't done in a long time.  She did that the morning after they spent the night. 

Our leather jackets (DH and I ride motorcycles) and some jewelry of mine were stolen last time she lived here just before she went into rehab.  She admits to the 1 item and then lies about the others.  I guess she thinks if she tells a partial truth, it's ok.  There's just no reasoning with a drug addict.  I hope I don't end up having to bury her one day.  I still want my SIL to disappear and I did turn in their address as he has warrants out for him.  I don't know if he's home today or in jail.  She seems to do better when he's not around.  She once told me they were bad for each other and how. 

I haven't been put on "the list" yet so I am able to see GD. 

I have called CPS twice in the past and then my sis also called once around Easter.  I called the police this a.m. just to see what my rights were as far as removing the 17 mo old GD.  They basically told me I have no rights (would be kidnapping unless they were willing to hand her over which they are not on a permanent basis, or at least until they get it together)  and to call a lawyer.  I called a lawyer for a free consult and they told me the same.  I have no rights.  Lawyer told me to keep calling CPS.  I am only thankful GD is happy and healthy and I know she is loved.  She is clean and fed and dressed properly.  I am worrying about the "what-ifs" if things escalate as they did before.  It all just sucks.  I will stay on the sidelines and watch from afar and keep taking my GD when I can.  My SIL's aunt also takes her at times so at least she can get out of the rat-hole "bedroom" they call home.  uuuuggghhh.  I so hate this.  Seems like I keep trying to get help and I keep hearing "you have no rights".  I guess GD doesn't either. 

Monroe, the very 1st time I called CPS almost killed me and I cried all the way through the phone call.  Doe and Elise, your words of encouragement and support are really helpful.  Makes me feel like I'm heard.  I am so grateful for you.

My heart is broke to watch and I just feel like a broken record.  I have to say though, this time around I am not bawling as hard as I did when all this came to light initially at the beginning of this year.  I just have that heavy feeling and sorrow.  I will keep myself busy and do what I know to do to move on once again.  I have a sticker on my motorcycle helmet that says:  "It's not the speed, it's the sudden stops."  That is so true of life.  Thank you sweet WW family.  My DH is out of town with the guys and he doesn't know this yet.  This will go over like a led balloon when he gets home.  He hates my SIL like no other.   
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

luise.volta

F - DD is doing what they do. I get that. The price you are paying for not abandoning your GD is beyond anything I can imagine. Please know that this is your soul-home and we care deeply. I have no solution. No suggestion. I couldn't do it. I know that. It would destroy me and my GD would be left with no one. I admire you greatly and I am sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Keys Girl

Firelight, I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

Don't even think about the "F" word, that's a judgment call, and one that isn't an accurate one when you are trying to fight drugs, alcohol or any kind of substance abuse.  I would think the "H" word (as in Hero) would be more appropriate, you are trying to see your DD through these demons and do the best for the GCs. 

I'll keep you in my thoughts and send you all the positive energy and vibes as you go down this difficult path.

Hugs, aplenty,

KG



"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

firelight

thank you both very much.  This site keeps me going and helps me to press on.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

not like the movies

hell on earth. so sad. I had a friend this happened to. she wound up getting custody because her daughter went to prison. best place for her if you can imagine that. one never knows what the future holds. life can turn on a dime. sorry for the anguish you suffer and the unmet needs of your grandchild. better days ahead is all one can believe in. often we are blessed with them.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

Pen

FL, thinking of you and yours. Tough times, tough path. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

firelight

Thank you not like the movies....your words hold weight for me.  Thank you too, Pen.  It really is a very dark place to be.

not like the movies, if I hadn't worked in a woman's prison as a nurse, I'd say you were right about it....but I know too much. 

Just as I was about to write "I want to have a good cry, but I can't"....like feeling nauseated and wanting to vomit because you know then if you could just get it out, you'd feel better....the flood gates opened up.  I'm dying here and was on my knees literally.

I had hope with the rehab, but I know too many horror stories and if the drugs have returned yet so soon, I am feeling a bit in despair tonight.  I'm very upset at my SIL also as he plays a major role in all this.   I want to have hope.....but I'm feeling afraid for her now.  I feel like my beautiful, sweet daughter has died and I am in  mourning.  It does feel like a death.  It's like a darkness I can't stop for her and it's really scary.  My heart is breaking and I've cried so much in the recent past going through all this not long ago with her and SIL I am surprised I have anything left to leak out.  But it is indeed.  It's most unpleasant to work a long shift and end up in a crumpled heap bawling on the floor when you get home over all this.  I'm a diehard and still wanting hope......it seems going through this the 1st time with her I was broken but felt stronger for her.....I became "strong like bull" even though I felt crushed and cried a lot.  but tonight I have a genuine feeling of fear for her.  and there's nothing I can do about it.   

Dogs are great.  you can cry and cry and they're right there showing concern for you and staying right by your side.  Love my furry friends today.  DH is due home tomorrow and I'm going to try my best not to be a depressed mess.  Wanting it all to pass.  It will pass alright, like a kidney stone.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

firelight

Thank goodness for a good cry and a new day.  I am feeling much better today.  The DH is aware of all that has been going on as well. 

But, today I tried a Zumba class for the first time and loved it (and am I feeling it!).  It was fun and you move every muscle in your body doing that!  I plan on going more often and will go again Thurs a.m. on my next day off.  Trying to round up a few pals to join me but going alone is just fine also.  Lots of people show up alone I noticed.  Gonna work off some of that fluff.....  I saw a sign at Zumba class that said, "I'd quit chocolate, but I'm no quitter!"   Cute. 

Have a vacation planned up north next month and also want to take a few day trips over to Lk Michigan sometime soon.   

Still might write one of those letters to my DD some are writing under that Grab Bag section, guess we'll see.  Those were great! 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

luise.volta

 F - Good for you! I do Zumba at Curves but don't last through the whole session. Love it!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama