How to deal with Adult Children

[Heidi60]

I have had a severe case of PTSD for over 20 years.  This has given me personality and other changes.  Around 10 years ago my DD needed a blank check for $10,000 for her divorce.  I refused a blank check but made it out to the attorney and told her I needed this to be repaid.  I also helped her to moved out of the apartment and watched as her then husband fractured her arm.  I testified at her divorce hearing to this event.  She also wanted to buy my truck from me a year later.  I told her to have it checked out before buying it, she refused and then accused me of selling her junk.  I asked to to repay the $10,000 and she ignored me.  Then she filed bankruptcy so I could not claim this money from her.   About 5 years ago my oldest DS was killed.  This ripped out the rest of my heart.  My AD called me and asked if I needed support and I said yes, I didn't hear from her again for 6 months.  Instead she went to my AS wife and stayed with her for 2 weeks although the wife had her family around and she moved in her ex-husband the day after my AS was killed. Since this time my AD has blamed me for the problems in her life and tells the rest of the family how much I hate her. We have not spoken to each other.

My other AS is married to a very manipulated wife who dictates there lives. For the last 3 years Christmas was a 2 hours visit because DIL had to visit with the rest of her family,although they celebrate the whole month of December.  2 Christmases ago I bought them a new refrigerator and snow blower.  This last Christmas they celebrated the two Saturates before Christmas and Christmas Eve with DIL's family but I was not to get any time with them.  I blew up and said I was tired of being second fiddle and deserve time with my AS and family.  The DIL got so upset and told me that I would not see any of them again.  I have not talked to any of them since the blow up at Christmas.  In fact, I still have my GD presents that were not given to her.

I could add more to this but you get the general feeling.  OK, so now how do I deal with all of  this?

[jdtm]

Heidi - I so get the Christmas episode.  Several years ago our son and DIL (now ex-DIL) and grandchildren spent six days with her relatives at Christmas (they live less than 20 miles apart).  For us, they stopped in on their way by - it was supposed to be for 20 minutes but, instead, they stayed 40 minutes (I guess we gave them too many presents to unwrap).  Her family was so upset they spent so much time with us; after all, they were late for Christmas dinner.  Having a son, I never expected "equal" time with her "side", but this was so lopsided ...

Since then, I plan our holidays around our younger son and his family.  I inform our older son what we are doing and he chooses whether to attend or not.  Surprisingly, he and his children attend more often than when we tried and tried to accommodate them.  (His wife left our son and abandoned her two children over three years ago).  Things are gradually getting better but will never be "great".

What we did was to begin living our lives "without" them.  Funny thing - our elder son and his children did not like being "left out" and began suggesting ways for all our family to be together.  By the way, we rarely celebrate holidays on "the" day; but usually hit the holiday week and we're all fine with that.  I'm not saying that your family will react similarly to mine; but we do need to take responsibility for our own lives and not theirs.  As a mother who tried to "fix" things, I found this very difficult.  What I "thought" would be, is not, and I have accepted this and am moving on (although there are days when I backslide).  When my husband and I became "seniors", we decided to put "us" first - such a foreign idea - but gradually, it is giving peace and contentment (and even joy) to our lives.  And yes, some of our family members are upset at our "selfishness" - we do not run at every beck and call (in fact, sometimes I don't even answer the telephone when I receive a call from a relative/sibling/child/parent - they only call when they "want" something), and lately, our pocketbooks tend to stay closed.  Oh - I'm bad ....

I'm sorry you needed to find us but glad you are here.  This site has helped me to find peace in my life, accept what is, and be truly thankful for what I have.    Welcome Heidi -

[luise.volta]

My number one suggestion is that you take a full day, when you can, and read the posts here from start to finish. Sending love...

[Doe]

ditto - and zip up that purse!   

I would retire immediately from the 'mom' role and start scoping out your next big adventure.  It sounds like you all need a break from each other. 

I know this is painful.  We can help you move on if you stick around.

[pam1]

Welcome Heidi60

If you haven't already done so, please read the highlighted items in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not because there is anything wrong with your post.  Glad you found us!

Wow, there is a lot going on for you!  Do you go to any counseling or groups for PTSD?  I've heard that is very helpful, even if it was long ago when the PTSD was triggered. 

IMO, it's best just not to go there about holidays with other adults.  For one, it'll only leave you feeling bad because if they did want to spend the holiday with you, there would be no need to say anything to them.  They would just do it.  And secondly, most times any adult will back away from criticsism any time, but most especially how they choose to celebrate the holiday.  They don't want to feel bad on holidays.

[Pen]

Heidi60, welcome to the site. I agree w/the others - stop! Put the money in a travel account and be in some fabulous locale for the holidays.

I know it's hard. But it will get easier.

[Elise]

Louise's suggestion is great. I have read and read here and still reading sometimes. Many many hours - hours well spent. I have learned so much from these wonderful ladies of all ages and perspectives. I am sorry for your pain. Sometimes the only way to learn to live our lives for ourselves beyond 'momdum' is to go through the pain and "find our courage". Another poster said something to that effect recently - sorry I do not remember who - and it sticks with me.  It is good to believe some growth will come in time from all this angst if we are willing to do the work. Best wishes for you.

[Pooh]

Welcome Heidi and sorry for your losses.  I have nothing to add to what the wonderful ladies have told you.  Deep breaths.

[Keys Girl]

Welcome Heidi, it's a rough way to be treated, more like a personal banker with deep pockets than a beloved family member.

I would stop giving them money and if you ever are back in touch with them and someone asks for anything, I would tell them that I had some big credit card bills and would certainly accept any help.

The dynamics of being the one who is doing the giving and not getting anything back can take a long time to change, and there is no guarantee that they will ever change to a spot where you like them, but getting on with your life and finding some positive people to fill it can make a big difference.

Time to make some plans of your own for this Christmas, you don't want to be sitting around waiting for the phone to ring.

KG