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conflicted

Started by not like the movies, July 08, 2012, 09:49:22 am

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not like the movies

opinions? DD has been on the attack the last few days. nasty emails. yesterday her car broke down a few hours after an email bomb. she had her boyfriend (we like him a lot) call for help. They need a new starter. They have no money or skills to fix it. We have both. When we do for DD we always wind up eventually here where she forgets all the help rendered while she attacks us. You all know this song I am sure. Should we help again today? We look at it as helping the boyfriend we like. He shows appreciation and respect. However DD benefits since its her car as well. She has the  boyfriend make the rescue call appearing she is not asking for the help even though the request for him to call us is a direct order from her. She says jump he asks how high. uggghhh and we had plans to go boating today with some friends. I am of the mindset to follow through with our boating plans. meeting our needs. Let them figure it all out. the heart pull to help comes from the desire to help the boyfriend. he is out of work now and actively looking for work. a car helps with that.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

lancaster lady

If it was me ....I would say I have other plans , but could maybe help you tomorrow or the next day ,
that's the best I can do , take it or leave it !
Happy boating , NLTM ...... :)

luise.volta

I think I would help him and make it very clear that's the whole point...and if it weren't for him, you wouldn't lift a finger. I'm serious. I'd let him know I appreciated his respect and he had earned mine.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

SCW

Just a simple question;  Does he know how she treats you?

If so then I would say nope, I'm done helping the both of you. 

If he does not know, then I would probably do it, but on my time.  Enjoy your boating :)

This is only my opinion. 
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.
Junvenal

not like the movies

thanks for all the input. much appreciated. you WW are wonderful. hubby went over to help. he is going to have a talk with boyfriend while they work on car. a chance to see if boyfriend knows the whole story of what goes on with DD and us. Hubby only went because of boyfriend. Hubby very disgusted with DD behavior. Hubby let boyfriend know that. Hubby figured best to help boyfriend make it to a few scheduled job interviews this week. Better chance if he gets a job act independent next time the car needs fixing.  I am going to take a nice long nap. Thanks again to all.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

Pen

Next time, why not help but only after telling DD how her behavior makes you feel and getting a signed agreement that she will stop treating you poorly (outline exactly what that means.) The consequence of breaking that agreement is no more help. BF could be involved, if he chose, to the extent that he could remind her about it when she's ramping up for an explosion. That puts it back on her where it belongs  - she chooses whether or not it's worth the consequences to behave badly.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

constantmargaret

I would have gone boating.

Let her see you're not at her beck and call. Just once.

Begonia

Does BF not have either a car or a job?  This puts him dependent on DD and ultimately on you.  I would say no to helping from this moment on.  The hardest lessons sometimes are the ones that produce the most strength afterwards.  Don't reward bad behavior.  As nice as BF is, that does not pay the bills.  Just my tough love take on things...I know these are very difficult decisions for good people to make.  Best to you and keep posting. (and boating!!!). 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Doe

I would let messages from them always go to voicemail just to give you time to decide what you want to do.   

I think I would have gone boating then DH would have called afterward with an offer of help only if DD helped him out.  And at a time convenient to DH.   If 'BF' was 'SIL', I would have involved him.

Really, they need to start figuring out how to handle car problems on their own. 

Footloose

Very hard as we want to help.  No car, no job, no money, no food, etc.....

The car is so important than why do these TWO adults keep it in repair?  If u went boatin, they would have contacted the next on the hit list for help.

I havbe to agree w/ others here an the best thing would have been to go boating.  i would also NOT say anything to the BF cuz it WILL get to DD and u will be tagged for behind back drama.

I plan on doing it like this if they ev call me again. 

Let it go to voice mail.  If they leave no message, I will take no further action.

if they leave message, I can have time to decide what to do

If they ask for help, I may apologize and tell them that we are unable due to personal financial reasons or previous time commitments.

I will ask for a meeting with them both before we can go on with any future relationship.  I have a right to explain what I will and will not tolerate in any relationship and that includes my AC.

By me accepting crumbs and last minute impositions, just to get any piece of time with them is unhealthy for me and I must stay healthy for me, my DH and others who count on me.  (and my dear pup)

All this time, I am teaching them that they can treat me any way they want and I'll still be there and that is my fault.

just sayin.....let them be!