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My Story - New Here

Started by enorton, July 03, 2012, 04:07:52 PM

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herbalescapes

IF DS and DIL "just had twins" I think they deserve a lot of leeway in their behavior.  Two babies to take care and no sleep, plus DIL has the whole hormone thing to deal with.  To some people any advice seems like criticism of themselves, no matter how gently phrased.    To some, it doesn't matter the length of the communication (email, phonecall, text), it's the frequency that matters.  So a daily or weekly "how are ya doin?"  seems invasive whereas an every-other-month 3 hour interrogation wouldn't matter.  People are different.  Follow their lead.  I know it will still hurt, no getting around that, but it may preserve the future relationship. Good luck.

I laugh when I see the argument that it's more often AS rather than AD that get cut-off (or do the cutting off) from FOO.  Look at Hollywood and all the high-profile family estrangements involving daughters: Jen Aniston and her dad, Lindsay Lohen and her mom, Tori Spelling and her mom, Angelina Jolie and her dad, and it goes on.  Or just look at all the posts here involving an AD cutoff from her FOO. 

JaneF

Welcome E.!  Glad you found us.  Sadly I think issues can arise whether you have sons or daughters.   ::) 
There are a lot of very wise women here, and they have given me much support in the recent past.  J

Grammie

Luise, I guess I always placed the blame on DIL because I simply could not believe that my son would treat me so poorly.  When our situation began he looked me in the eye and said that he wants us to have a relationship with his children, he loves me, they're working on it, it's going to take time.  As time went on it morphed to telling his brother that we were never there for him and never would be and finally after 4 months he accused me of mistreating him his entire life.  All false!  He always was one to exaggerate and distort the truth but this is way out there.  My question is if he feels this way why did he bring his family to live with us for 3 months?  Why did he allow me to babysit his children regularly?  Why do I have over 300 cards and letters telling DH and I how wonderful we are and how much he loves us.  Now he refuses to speak to us and won't let us see our GC but he still sends greeting cards for ever occasion.  My Mother's Day card was generic but the Father's Day card did say Dad.  None of it makes any sense.  He told his brother he would stand by his wife no matter what.  So far that's the only thing he hasn't lied about!       
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~

Pen

Grammie, as Luise often says, there's no way to make sense of the nonsensical, or words to that effect. None of it seems to make any sense at all, but I suppose somewhere in your DS's mind/emotions & for whatever reason he's justified his new belief system. When these things happen to me I want justice, darn it! I want my turn to tell my side, to ask questions, to state the facts...and it makes me angry & sad when I sense that there won't be the opportunity for a fair discussion, but it I feel so much better when I stop beating my head against the proverbial wall.

Sometimes giving AC the space they say they want helps them get a more realistic perspective. At the very least you will have the time to take care of yourself...and that's always a good thing, no matter what happens.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Grammie

Pen, I know exactly what you mean, I feel the same way.  I had my say to my detriment.  If I had just kept my mouth shut except for an apology I might not be where I am now.  My reasoning, explaining and debating amounted to calling DIL a liar in their minds.  My greatest hope is not reconciliation but lies in a relationship with YS.  He is baffled by all of this and assured us that he will not turn his back on us.  I pray that he isn't lying too but so far so good. 
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~

luise.volta

G - I just finished writing this on another thread:
I never gave up on my son. I (eventually) gave up my expectations, hopes, dreams, wants and perceived needs regarding having a relationship with him after he became an adult. I couldn't change him and he had the right to choose his own life path...but I did have the right to move through shock, pain, self-pity, righteous indignition, any sense of fairness and his "logic"...so I could heal. It never made sense and never will but I make sense to me. I may stand accused (of what I've never been quite sure) but I will never accept the verdict of guilty. I know who and what I am and rewriting history and trying to make me into someone else is something I am not going to accept. I accept that my son has the right to reinvent me to his own specifications...for whatever reason or no reason at all. I have, however, taken back his right to destroy me.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Grammie

Thanks Luise, that makes a lot of sense.  I knew that I would encounter a lot of change as I reached retirement age but this change is something I had not anticipated.
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~

luise.volta

G - I reached retirement age a quarter of a century ago...and I am still learning and growing every day. There have been negative situations "I had not anticipated" (as you so aptly put it) that were negative but for the most part, it has been and continues to be positive. For instance..."talking" with you this morning!  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama